is "too busy" ever legitmate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2007
is "too busy" ever legitmate?
7
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 2:47pm

I was very recently dating a man who was pretty close to perfect, by far the greatest guy in every way that I've ever dated. However, earlier this week I noticed a significant change in him and new what was coming. His aunt passed away recently and the funeral was Monday this week. He said that it's made him start to re-evaluate his life and he's realized that he's got too many things on his plate which could very well be true and that he doesn't have time for dating right now. After all, he does have a few business ventures on the go that he's pushed aside over the last little while and business partners are beginning to get antsy - this is something I was aware of before the dumping. Even still, when I hear the words "too busy" I tend to jump to the conclusion that he's just not interested anymore and that situation I can understand somewhat. What threw me off though was this . . . he suggested that we have a conversation in a week's time to see where things are at that time. I told him that I didn't see a point in that really since his situation wasn't likely going to change in a week. He thought for a few moments and then said that I've presumed to know him and what's going on in his life. To be fair, I don't know him that well just yet as we'd only been dating about 3 weeks. I realized in retrospect that one of his work contracts is coming to a close - the one that he's been to every day over the last month or so, so perhaps that's why he was suggesting that we have another conversation in a week's time.

About 20 minutes after I got home, he text messaged me and said "I'm sorry to have upset you. It would not be fair if I cannot put the time in to get to know you and make a relationship. I would like to keep in touch." I told him that I would be ok and that I was open to keeping in touch but that he'd have to be the one to take those steps. He replied with "That's fair".

I suppose my question is this . . . is it really always that when someone is "too busy" they're simply not interested OR are there some rare cases where they simply just have too many things going on right now? And what would his motive behind keeping in touch and suggesting a followup conversation in a week? I've never heard those two before so I'm not quite certain as to how I should go about processing them.

On a side note: He is by far the best guy that I've ever dated. He's emotionally stable, financially stable, responsible, and extremely considerate and sweet. He's always treated me with the utmost respect and has been the first and only man that I've dated to make me realize that I deserve that. All of the others have only torn me down and made me feel less of myself but he showed me that I am better than that and not once did I feel self-conscious around him. Even though he's chosen not to see me anymore, he's the first man that I've not felt anger with for that, only sadness. I now realize that I deserve to be with someone amazing. If it's not him, then it will surely be someone just as amazing or perhaps even more so. So for that, I am truly thankful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 2:51pm

too busy does mean lack of interest or maybe they're seeing somebody else & want to keep you around. my recent ex tried to use it with me. i mean he did. but he tried to get me to believe it. which i don't. i know he has time for his friends.


i've heard from guys that they're never too busy for who they want to see.


sorry to agree with you... :(




Edited 10/19/2007 2:52 pm ET by devuchka

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 3:15pm
omg this is so true the last time i talked to my 'bf " soon to be ex said "i was busy" i'm like wth? too busy for me that is thats bull sh!#t. u mean you're gonna put work before me? i dont think its called for at all
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 3:40pm

Welcome to the board squirrelly-girl,


That's a tough one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 4:24pm

MMMM.

I'd have to say that I disagree with devuchka and cuteness up there. I find it's a difference between chronic busyness and acute reasonable busyness, if you understand what I mean. If he has a reason for his unavailability and he's upfront about it (and it's a once or twice case) then yes, I'd be willing to accept that. I'm busy sometimes too, and it's nice to have someone just give me space and support me from afar while I deal with things. But I'd be UPFRONT about it. I mean, when I have 6 grant applications due and papers to write, the last thing I want to deal with is how you feel there's not enough relationships time. In those cases, I'm definitely interested in you, but I have some pressing things to do. that's it.. And to be fair, even when I'm busy, I'm not TOO busy to pick up the phone once in a while and just let them know I'm thinking about them and I miss them. I can spare 5 minutes out of my day.

I anticipate it will be the same if you marry one day. Some days your husband will have off days and stress at work and he won't have time to give you the usual I Love you routine. But it doesn't mean he doesn't need the marriage it work, he just needs to deal with whatever is going on at the moment.

Flip side, is, I guess Cuteness's scenario would be a good example. The guy is busy ALL THE TIME for no concrete reason. It screams not interested.

But you'll have to determine what you're willing to live with or which category he falls into.

cheers

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 4:45pm

Based on your description of the situation, my BS/avoidy/disinterested detector isn't going off. It sounds to me like he thought he had time for fulfilling dating, and life circumstances are giving him second thoughts about how or if this can work. Without talking to him, you can't really know the details of that, though. He could want a few days to get some intense business taken care of, maybe slow things down a but, or he could be looking at a much longer period to hold off dating. How do you feel about hearing and considering what he has to say? There's nothing to say you can't listen to what he has to say and still say "no, thanks".

There are no right answers.

Good luck!

Claudia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2007
Sun, 10-21-2007 - 4:40pm

Twinflame: Thanks for your response. You mentioned that when two people were in love that they'd find a way to make it work. We'd only been seeing each otehr for aobut 3 weeks, maybe 4 so "love" wasn't really in either of our vocabularies just yet. I like him but it certainly hadn't reached a point where l thought I loved him. I think for the most part, I've decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and take his word for it that right now, he really IS too busy. While I personally would have FOUND time to carry on if it was me who was too busy, I know that not everyone reacts the same way, especially when someone has just passed away. He's also emailed me once, likely just to test the waters to see how I would react to him contacting me, just to say hello, and that he hopes I'm well. He didn't make mention of wanting to see me again but it's a start, I suppose. At the same time, I've also decided that I'm going to start going on other dates. I am realistic in the sense that I am aware that the chances of him suddenly not being busy and also wanting to pick things back up are slim. If he wants to then I'd consider it but know that I wouldn't be able to just jump all the way in again carefree and fun like it was before. How would I be able to know that he wouldn't drop me again the next time he gets stressed?

Unicornsong: I would have settled for maybe having dinner once a week and a few quick 10 minute phone calls but at the time, suggesting other options other than not seeing each other at all didn't quite enter my mind. As I mentioned above to Twinflame, he has emailed once to see how I am (it's only been three days since we stopped seeing each other) so I suppose that maybe he was actually being sincere about being too busy. Time will tell, I suppose. Thanks for your comments. They were helpful. :)

Claudia: I loved your message and your opinion/thoughts were very helpful yesterday! I've been doing a lot of thinking about the situation and most of what I said to Twinflame & Unicornsong above is the same as what I'd say to your message as well. Please read. :) Thanks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 3:02pm

Hi Squirrely, I read your post and can totally relate. Im sorry your dealing with these feelings, I too am going through a similar situation.