too heartbroken to function, please help
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too heartbroken to function, please help
| Tue, 03-14-2006 - 9:00am |
I was dating someone for a month (yes, I know that is not a long time, and that may actually be the only thing in my favor, although I've yet to see it). We fell hard and fast, but did agree to take things slow and see how they developed, not wanting to throw the "L" word around. He was sweet, attentive, generous and treated me well. There seemed to be no hiding of anything or anyone, he always did what he said he would do when he said he would do it, he was anxious to introduce me to his friends and family, and I would spend weekends at his house where he would wait on me hand and foot. We were open and honest and talked about everything, including mistakes of the past, present shortcomings, etc. and we were both open-minded and accepting of each other, or so I thought. One of my problems was being able to trust he wasn't going to leave me, as I had been hurt very bad in the past and trusting was extremely difficult for me. He constantly reassured me this was something I never had to worry about, he was happy, looking forward to our living our lives together, he was not going anywhere. He made a big speech about this the night before we broke up. The next day, he said he was "thinking" (don't you just love hearing that?). Now, first he said he didn't see anything developing into a "love" relationship. That didn't sound right, so I questioned him some and then he said he lied, the real reason was that he didn't want to have to constantly reassure me. I was stunned. He was sensitive and careful like me, as he had been hurt bad before too, and had always told me he understood my fears and was not bothered by them. Now all of the sudden it's a problem, and one to break up over??? Not even to try and work out? There are other factors I think may have played a role that he would never admit, but I figured I'd save that for later till I see what everyone out there thinks so far...I need help bad. I stayed home from work today because I can't stop crying. I can't get the image of him out of my head, his wiping a tear from my face and telling me he's not going anywhere, the way he would hold me, kiss me, he was so gentle and affectionate, how could he just turn like this??? Thank you so much for any help.

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So I'm understanding right that you two are now broken up? It sounds like he's just confused about what he's feeling. I'm sure having to constantly reassure you probably bothered him after a while; it would me. Insecurity is unattractive to a man (and to a woman, actually!). You should feel that you are so beautiful and wonderful, any man who is with you couldn't even think about leaving you and if he does, it's his loss. I know that's the ideal that we all need to work on but sometimes it helps to project that image even if you aren't feeling it 100%. I just don't think it's good to constantly feed into his head that you're scared he's going to leave. It makes you seem needy and dependent and puts a lot of pressure on him. And it almost subconsciously plants the idea in his head that he SHOULD leave.
There is still a possibility things could work out but what you need to do is pull yourself together. Whether this works out or not, you need to work through your fears of abandonment and stop punishing your current boyfriend for things that happened in your past. I do think it's WAY early for the two of you to have been talking about looking forward to living your lives together. He's probably just gotten in over his head. How about having a talk with him and explaining that you know things have moved a little fast, but maybe you could start over and move more slowly this time? If he DOES agree to come back to you, lose the insecurity. If you're so scared he's going to leave, why would you be opening the door and pushing him through it?
Steph
Hi Steph,
Thank you for your reply. I understand and agree with you 100%. The thing is, the insecurity thing was something we both had in common; we would joke about how similar we were including us being both very sensitive. That is why I was shocked when he said this was his reason for breaking up. That, and the fact that he just decided to "pull the plug" without even trying to talk and resolve it first. That is what is bothering me, WHY?? It just makes no sense. I am afraid to call him; from what I've heard, isn't that a bad idea, because it gives him a chance to rake you over the coals again, possibly worse than before? (He wasn't overly compassionate the first time, another very big deviation from how he had always been). Also, doesn't that look desperate and like I am begging? Also, I am a very independent person, and he knows this, as I have told him I need to do things for myself and it is very important for me to have time to myself. So I don't think that played a part in his worrying about having to reassure me. I'll mention a few other things that were "strange", or at least stood out from the many other men I dated...."manliness" was a real obsession with him, much more than the usual guy, he would only wear literally, and I mean literally, three brands of clothes, claiming the rest were too preppy, metroseuxal, etc. His place was a typical guy place, and when I mentioned "I notice you don't have tissues, potholders, hamper, etc." he got real uptight and said he likes things that way, he is not changing a thing. Things that you wouldn't even think of were too "girlie" for him. It was even an issue about the type of soap he would use (seriously) His brother (who is supposedly extremely shy and has no interest in girls) lives with him, and one day he came home and found us talking and laughing and seemed annoyed. He would describe other times when he was "f**cking angry" and it would startle me someone so soft-spoken and gentle could react like that. One time when we were having sex all of a sudden (now he always claimed to be very submissive) he started holding me down, covering my mouth, putting his hands on my throat, and pulling my hair. He said to me "Tell me to give it to you," and ask me
"Who's p***ssy is this?". When I questioned him, he said he was curious about being dominant, as he had always been the submissive one. He would say one day he had plenty of money and that money was never a problem, he wanted to "spoil me and give me the world", then the next day he's complaining how low his cash was.
I'm so sorry to run off like this, but I like I mentioned before, I just wanted to point this stuff out too, as I wonder if it played a part in any way. Thanks for your patience!
Hugs,
Karen
I know you're hurting, but hopefully as time passes and you gain some distance and clarity, you'll see that there were a whole bunch of red flags indicating that this guy has ISSUES with a capital I!!!
I think you dodged a bullet, frankly, and are lucky that he broke up with you when he did. He could have done a lot of emotional damage to you. I know it doesn't feel that way now but hopefully in time you'll see that.
Sheri
MAN, this guy has more issues than Time Magazine! Do you really need to get a blow-by-blow account of why it's not working for him? He's just going to tell you all the things he thinks are "wrong" with you when he's got some things of his own he needs to deal with. I really don't like him holding you down during sex. Unless that was consensual and agreed upon, that's forceable sex and reason alone for you to drop him.
That said, the whole thing about independence is a little complicated. Yes, most men like a woman to be independent and confident BUT so many women have become so independent that it's left men feeling unwanted and unnecessary. Asking a man to kill a spider for you or give you advice on picking out a car or take a look at your computer makes them feel important. You just don't want to seem like you are emotionally dependent on them to the point that you come across as clingy. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I don't know... Are you sure you really want this person in your life?
Steph
Hey Steph,
Once again I agree with you. Actually I got up the nerve to call him and we talked a while. Now he claims that (after 3 weeks-whew, long time, huh?)he "didn't feel any real feelings developing" (which was what he originally said yesterday before the insecure excuse) According to his past relationships (the first one lasting a whole 3 DAYS)love happens very fast, and he just didn't see this happening with me. I told him real love takes quite a while to develop, is he really sure he wants to give up so soon? He said it wasn't fair to me, to keep seeing me and have nothing come of it. I asked him if that meant we were free to see other people. He hesitated and said "he guessed so". I told him I would give him time if he needed it, but he said he didn't want to make me wait since "guys were after me already". So I ended it by saying I respected his feelings and he knew where to reach me if he wanted me, I wasn't doing anything drastic. So that's that, I guess. Can't force him, right? He certainly seemed hesitant, but I gave him every opportunity and thensome to work things out. I still hurt real bad and miss him, but at least I got a little closure. I can't thank you enough for your help!
Many hugs,
Karen
Hi Sheri! Thank you for you response; it meant a lot to me. I think you are right, it's just hard now because it does still hurt so much even though I know it is probably for the best. Hopefully it will get better...
Hugs,
Karen
He is mixing up love and infatuation. He's looking for some grand passion right away and when he doesn't feel it, he moves on to the next one, looking for the same thing. It's an immature sort of puppy love he's looking for -- probably what he had in his earlier relationships. Maybe the idea of real love scares him. Someone once told me that men who bolt early on in relationships often do so because, deep down, they're afraid of letting a woman get to know them. They are "posers," putting on a facade to the world. A lot of players fall into this category, but other men as well. You say he's been hurt before -- maybe he feared what he was feeling for you and so he ran. You'll never know but it sounds like you're ready to move forward with your life.
Steph
Hi Steph,
Very interesting. That sounds like it could very well be the case. I also posed the question to him that we could just be friends so we could see what could develop without any pressures. He said that sounded "complicated", but he'd think about, he had my numbers and email and wasn't "erasing me". Gee, thanks, I guess, right? I just can't stop thinking about him. We really did have such a great time when we were together. I am just still so confused by what he said/did in the past and what he's saying/doing now. (Like talking about how nice it is not to be single and have someone to look forward too.) God, I know it's probably for the best but I miss him so much. I just feel so empty and quiet inside. I almost wish he had done something terrible so I could hate him. It would make this a hell of a lot easier.
Hugs,
Karen
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