too heartbroken to function, please help
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too heartbroken to function, please help
| Tue, 03-14-2006 - 9:00am |
I was dating someone for a month (yes, I know that is not a long time, and that may actually be the only thing in my favor, although I've yet to see it). We fell hard and fast, but did agree to take things slow and see how they developed, not wanting to throw the "L" word around. He was sweet, attentive, generous and treated me well. There seemed to be no hiding of anything or anyone, he always did what he said he would do when he said he would do it, he was anxious to introduce me to his friends and family, and I would spend weekends at his house where he would wait on me hand and foot. We were open and honest and talked about everything, including mistakes of the past, present shortcomings, etc. and we were both open-minded and accepting of each other, or so I thought. One of my problems was being able to trust he wasn't going to leave me, as I had been hurt very bad in the past and trusting was extremely difficult for me. He constantly reassured me this was something I never had to worry about, he was happy, looking forward to our living our lives together, he was not going anywhere. He made a big speech about this the night before we broke up. The next day, he said he was "thinking" (don't you just love hearing that?). Now, first he said he didn't see anything developing into a "love" relationship. That didn't sound right, so I questioned him some and then he said he lied, the real reason was that he didn't want to have to constantly reassure me. I was stunned. He was sensitive and careful like me, as he had been hurt bad before too, and had always told me he understood my fears and was not bothered by them. Now all of the sudden it's a problem, and one to break up over??? Not even to try and work out? There are other factors I think may have played a role that he would never admit, but I figured I'd save that for later till I see what everyone out there thinks so far...I need help bad. I stayed home from work today because I can't stop crying. I can't get the image of him out of my head, his wiping a tear from my face and telling me he's not going anywhere, the way he would hold me, kiss me, he was so gentle and affectionate, how could he just turn like this??? Thank you so much for any help.

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I agree with strong2006, that one month really isn't that long. Believe me when I say it'll be much easier to leave now than if you get back with him and let another month, three months, three YEARS go by. Sometimes it seems like it hurts a lot to end things when you're still in that early passionate stage, to not go through really getting to know them and seeing it through to the end, but I think overall it's almost easier. Because then all you have are good memories. I wanted to leave my situation three months after it began but I couldn't. I felt like I needed to see what happened next. But honestly, staying in it for another eleven months or so only made it harder because with each conversation, each encounter, we were creating memories that would haunt me. The way he talks, the way he laughs, the way he kisses, stays with you and you grow more and more attached. If you have the opportunity to run after a month and you already are seeing these red flags, believe me, TAKE IT! Otherwise a year from now you'll be looking back at this very moment and wishing you had. If you leave now, a year from now where will you be? Possibly with someone who's really good for you and don't you think you'll be extra-glad you left when you did?
Steph
Hi Steph,
I agree with you once again. It's true, there is nothing "bad" to think about so it's harder to get over. Today I feel a tiny bit better. What's hard is he always called at certain times, like around 8:30 or 9:00 to say good morning, or right before I went to bed to "tuck me in". It's those sweet little gestures that has me missing him the most, that is what breaks my heart. Another thing that bothers me is that even though he has these "issues", I feel I wasn't important enough to hang on to. It was like it was so easy to let me go. It makes me feel so unworthy and unwanted. I hear about these girls, whether they are the breaker or breakee and these guys go crazy doing anything to get them back. No guy has ever done that for me, and I am always the breakee, never the breaker. It really has me thinking I am not worth holding on to!
You weren't important enough TO HIM to hang on to. It was so easy FOR HIM to let you go. It makes me feel so unworthy and unwanted BY HIM. Let's clarify that because he is one person and one person's opinion is not the majority. We could line up 100 men and they could all say they didn't want you and still that wouldn't make you unworthy and unwanted because the 101st man we found might want you and then you'd be wanted. And all you need is one (especially if he's HOT!). But, really, a man wanting you does not make you worthy. Now...it is possible you are continuously attracted to/attracting the same kind of man. They say we're attracted to people that represent the parent we are most conflicted with... Think about that. Think about the commonalities between these men, the issues that came up that were similar. It may not be anything you're doing but the men you're choosing in the first place. Are they all commitment-phobic, coming on strong in the beginning, moving things along really fast, then jetting just when you thought things were really progressing?
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results -- so, next time maybe try doing things differently from how you normally do them. Take things slower, don't rush into a relationship so fast, even if he wants to. I really don't think it's anything you're doing, though, as much as it's the men you're choosing. If this guy is representative of what you normally date...remember all the issues you mentioned yesterday? Are they always like that?
I read something recently in one of those self-help books I have that said "All of your relationships will fail until you find the one that doesn't." I liked that. So if they all keep failing, that just means you haven't found the right one yet. It's all trial and error -- we all have to kiss a lot of frogs before we find our prince.
Steph
Hi Steph,
Very interesting. I am comparing him with my last serious relationship (ex-husband, actually)and yes, there are some similarities. The two that stick out the most is the relationship moving along quickly and, while both were mature as far as being hard workers, emotionally they were very immature. It just seems like even with casual dating I seem to be so easy to let go, even when there is an obviously strong physical/emotional connection. I feel so disposable. I am having a very hard time at the moment. I felt like I was getting better, but now I feel worse again. I just cannot stop missing him and I can't believe how he could just move on so easily and not miss me. It is an ache that I can't even describe. The only good thing is I can barely eat, so I'll probably lose a lot of weight, which is always cool. I didn't go to work today again, I'll have to force myself to go tomorrow. I am absolutely dreading the weekend. I used to go to his place Friday evening and stay all weekend and leave Sunday. I am going to look for a therapist to talk to, because I just can't stop thinking of him and crying. I'm starting to lose my will to live, it just seems like there is no end to this unbearable pain and there is no man out there who will ever stick with me. Well, thank you again for the reply, I'll keep you posted.
-Karen
Karen, Karen, I SOOOO know how you feel. I had a phone call from my Ex every single morning at 8:00 for SIX years! I still look at the clock every morning, but now I know that at 7:00 a.m. he is on the internet to his new girlfriend in Poland. He "met" her just a month ago. He has dropped me cold for someone he hasn't even met. How that hurts I cannot even begin to describe. I hate the mornings because I have to face the whole meaningless day.
I have neglected my work, feel nauseous rather than hungry, and have my days and nights reversed. And I have been basically broken up for three months. It seems unbearable and is not getting better.
BUT please, please know there are many of us going through the same feelings as you, and we are here for you. We will all get through this in time. I spend so much time reading this board just to forget that I am not at his house in the evenings like I was for six years. Whether you were with your BF one month or six years, I know how excruciating your pain is. Just keep doing whatever you need to to get by. The time will pass.
No man is worth losing your will to live over. In time you're going to look back on this and be unable to believe you ever felt that way. I already look back at how I felt a month ago and see how much progress I've made. It sounds like these men have really done a number on your self-esteem, which may or may not have been high in the first place. Yes, a therapist sounds like a good idea because she can help you work on YOU, which is the important thing right now. I think a lot of us have probably felt at times like no man wants us, like there must be something wrong with us. But you have to know that you are worth fighting for and there will be a man someday who realizes that. There are so many reasons relationships end and the very least of them is that we are unworthy women. Sometimes it's the opposite -- sometimes you are SO good, the man feels like he'll never be able to live up to what you'd expect. In other words, deep down he knows you're too good for him and someday you'll probably realize that and leave, so he leaves before you can.
I can't remember what you said -- did the breakup happen this week? Monday or something? If so, it's understandable that you're still going through this grieving. And even a short relationship can be powerful if you're seeing each other as often as you guys were. I think it will really help to get yourself back out there in society. The distraction of other people sometimes provides just the little jolt we need. It'll seem horrid at first; you'll feel like you just want to go back home and crawl into bed. But force yourself to get through it and each day will get easier. And this weekend, try to distract yourself by doing things you like to do. Go shopping, go see a movie, get together with some friends. Getting back out there and staying busy will not only get your mind off of him, but it'll remind you that life does and will go on.
Steph
Hey Karen,
I just wanted to tell you to hang in there. :)
I just read through your story -- and our relationships and breaksups sound so very similar. I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I do know that you're hurting....and I hope that you feel better soon.
I think that we've both been given some great advice on here, I'm so glad that I posted.
Sheri's advice to me last night was an AHA moment for me, and I'm already starting to see things a little more clearly (it still hurts and it still sucks, though!)
I definitely agree that real love takes a while to develop, and I think that I definitely ignored the little voice in my head that told me to slow down when things were progressing so quickly. That voice is so easy to ignore when the guy is saying so many wonderful and "right" things, though! I had never been in a whirlwind relationship like this, I'm usually a lot more cautioius and I usually wait for real feelings to develop (but all of those relationships ended, so I thought that maybe I just hadn't been in a "good" relationship yet, where a guy was open and honest about his feelings.)
Sheri described these men as "infatuation junkies." I was blinded by my ex's charm before, but I can sooooooo see that now. He just came on so strong, and it was such a whirlwind romance, and we really couldn't get enough of each other....but, now I can understand that that just isn't healthy. I think that these men definitely don't know the difference between "real" love and infatuation. What I'm wondering though, is do they realize this about themselves? I was so shocked when the ex unexpectedly bolted for no apparent reason, but he must have been a scared little puppy when things started gettting "real." Sounds to me like your ex did the same thing. He just couldn't handle anything "real."
I defintely agree with you that this is so hard to get over because all of the memories were good. I also agree that it's hard that they are probably moving on so quickly. But you know what, screw them! They are not worthy of us, they were never worthy . . . and I think and hope that someday soon, we'll both be counting our blessings when we are both in real, healthy relationships with emotionally available guys who will cherish everything about us (even our imperfections!)
I know that it is so easy to blame ourselves, I have been asking myself over and over what the heck is wrong with me....and I'm just now starting to realize that it wasn't me. I didn't have these doubts before I met this loser.
Please give me a holla if you want to talk about things -- and hang in there!!
:) Karen (great name, I know! tee hee)
To Steph, Sheri, Karen and all the other wonderful, wonderful people here on this board: I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your advice and kind, gentle words of encouragement. I just wanted to say I won't be posting anymore, I just can't even try anymore. Nothing is working and I am getting worse, not better. The thought just hit me that I will never see him again, feel his touch, smell him, hear him, laugh with him, and it is simply more than I can bear. I don't care how long we were together, how much better off I am, how good a person I am, what a loss it is for him, who's waiting in the wings for me, how to distract myself, etc. etc. I've heard and read it a thousand-fold at least and none of it makes a dent. Each day I slip further away, and I feel like this is something he felt he had to do, not wanted to do, and that just makes it worse. I want to go to him so bad and tell him he is perfect inside and out, like I always did, and please don't give up. But I am afraid to at the same time. So I just sit here, frozen and crying.
Anyway, sorry for the dramatics. I wish EVERYONE here the absolute best life has to offer, and I hope everything works out just the way you want it.
Lots of love, hugs, and kisses,
Karen
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