too heartbroken to function, please help
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too heartbroken to function, please help
| Tue, 03-14-2006 - 9:00am |
I was dating someone for a month (yes, I know that is not a long time, and that may actually be the only thing in my favor, although I've yet to see it). We fell hard and fast, but did agree to take things slow and see how they developed, not wanting to throw the "L" word around. He was sweet, attentive, generous and treated me well. There seemed to be no hiding of anything or anyone, he always did what he said he would do when he said he would do it, he was anxious to introduce me to his friends and family, and I would spend weekends at his house where he would wait on me hand and foot. We were open and honest and talked about everything, including mistakes of the past, present shortcomings, etc. and we were both open-minded and accepting of each other, or so I thought. One of my problems was being able to trust he wasn't going to leave me, as I had been hurt very bad in the past and trusting was extremely difficult for me. He constantly reassured me this was something I never had to worry about, he was happy, looking forward to our living our lives together, he was not going anywhere. He made a big speech about this the night before we broke up. The next day, he said he was "thinking" (don't you just love hearing that?). Now, first he said he didn't see anything developing into a "love" relationship. That didn't sound right, so I questioned him some and then he said he lied, the real reason was that he didn't want to have to constantly reassure me. I was stunned. He was sensitive and careful like me, as he had been hurt bad before too, and had always told me he understood my fears and was not bothered by them. Now all of the sudden it's a problem, and one to break up over??? Not even to try and work out? There are other factors I think may have played a role that he would never admit, but I figured I'd save that for later till I see what everyone out there thinks so far...I need help bad. I stayed home from work today because I can't stop crying. I can't get the image of him out of my head, his wiping a tear from my face and telling me he's not going anywhere, the way he would hold me, kiss me, he was so gentle and affectionate, how could he just turn like this??? Thank you so much for any help.

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I am giving you a hug right now, and that seems so empty to me, but you must know you will be okay even though you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I cannot see it either, but I KNOW it is there. None of us truly know what will happen in the future.
Hang in there with us, please. We truly understand what you are going through.
We have each other. C
Karen, I'm sure you're not in a place right now where you can even fathom pulling yourself out of it. I'm not even sure you'll be reading anymore after yesterday, but just in case you are, just know that people care about you and are concerned, both on here and in your life. It is possible that what you are suffering from is clinical depression and if so, you can get help for that. My mom has it -- it first became really noticeable when she went through her second divorce. She would do nothing but sleep, couldn't focus at work, just keep sinking deeper and deeper. Your thoughts of life not being worth it, of not feeling like doing anything, of being unable to stop crying... I know a lot of us are going through or have gone through those emotions in our break-ups but when it is to the extreme you describe, it makes me wonder. Either way, please seek help from a licensed therapist. Someone can help you through this.
Steph
Hi everyone, it's me again *blush*. I know I said I wasn't up to posting, but I do have one more question I can't seem to get answered, if anyone out there wouldn't mind offering their insight...it seems that everyone advises during a break-up NO CONTACT...no phone, email, IMs, etc. In fact, people seem to take some pretty extreme measures to ensure they don't slip up and reach out. My question is, how do you know if your ex is not contacting you because he really doesn't want to, or he is not contacting you because he is figures you don't want to hear from him? Because I have a very strong feeling my ex (who is EXTREMELY insecure, if you haven't noticed by now!) is "doing me a favor", but I have a feeling if I contacted him, he would be relieved/happy. HOW DO I KNOW WHAT TO DO?? AAARRRGH! I don't want to bother him, or worse, make a fool out of myself by contacting him, but I don't want to let him slip away either. Ok, now to make it even worse, I am SLLOOWWWLLYY starting to feel a microscopic bit better, and a teeny-tiny- barely-noticieable-little part of me is saying, "Are you sure YOU want him?" Also, if he rejects me again (and maybe not so nicely this time) I don't want to backslide!!! Thank you again all you super people!!!
HUGS AND HUGS,
Karen
I'm glad you're still posting. I've been worried about you after your post of last Thursday. You do need to keep asking the question "Are you sure you still want him?" That's the important thing. Sometimes we get so caught up in the fight, we lose sight of what we're fighting for. It just becomes all about winning.
I'm in the same situation you're in, where I'm pretty sure my ex isn't contacting me because he wants to do me a favor. He feels he needs to leave me alone to go on with my life and you know what? He's right. If these men aren't going to know, 100%, that they want to be with us, they need to step on and let us find someone who does. It's that basic. I have this hanging on my computer to remind me to stay strong and not do something stupid like e-mail him. It's from "He's Just Not That Into You":
"If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will."
Steph
I have a simple solution to this issue. When I tell an ex that I need to not have any contact with him so I can heal and move on, at the same time I say something like, "if, in the meantime, you decide that you are 110% commited to working things out with me and addressing , I'd love to hear from you. Otherwise, I'll contact you when I'm ready."
That way, he knows that if he's committed to making things work, he is welcome to contact me. And I also know that if I *don't* hear from him, it's because he's not interested in or capable of working things out.
Sheri
Hello again, girls, and thank you for answering my question...
Steph,
I like what you said. It makes a lot of sense. I am starting to think, yes, even if a guy thinks you'd be "better off without him", I still think he'd stick around if he really wanted to. I just don't understand comments like "You never have to worry about me leaving, I'm not going anywhere," or "You give me something to look forward to," made just hours before the breakup. (Although my friend at work had a simple answer today, she just said "He's crazy.") Frankly, though, I am getting a little tired of trying to figure it out. And if he did come back, well, at this point now I don't know what I would do...part of me still misses him very much as he treated me well and we did have a lot of fun together, but part of me doesn't want to play babysitter or psychologist to him either! I have enough of my own stuff to work out. I wish I knew if he missed me, but what's the point at this point, right? Guess it's more of an ego thing. It's just weird that I have had to tell guys "Please leave me alone!" and they persist and persist and the one I wanted to stay with takes off! Go figure!
Sheri,
I am SOOO glad you told me what you did!! That is basically how we left things; I said, "Well, I'm not doing anything drastic, if you want me, you know where to find me." And he said, "I have your numbers and email, I'm not erasing you." So that really does leave the ball in his court. Like I said to Steph, if he wants me bad enough, he'll be in touch. But, oddly, since I am now ambivalent about whether or not I want to be with him, I am kind of hoping he DOESN'T call, so I don't have to wonder what to do. Plus, I am slowly starting to rebuild, I don't want to be teared down again!
Thank you again, and I'll keep in touch to let you know what's going on, especially if something interesting happens, like if he shows up in a hot air balloon or something! (Yes, I have an active imagination!)
LOVE AND HUGS!!!
-Karen
am in excatly sam situation, he was all over m, howing pics of his parents, we wnt on vacation, lots of compliments an how happy he was aetc.
Your story is very familiar. then one day he was crying yhay we could not spenf nigh to grthrt rtc blsbl. resd my post if u can. dudeely out of thr bur, hr disd hr id not hookrf into snf hr csnt drr sny fututr togethrr without future dsmsge.
\it hit likr s bombb do i brok uo eith him by emil dsying thst how cn even think like thst after 2 months.he asked if we could remsin friends to which i did not even reply. he csn dresm on.
i asm so hurt i feel for you. ctuslly shivering so much cnt typ properly so sorry for typos.
i will nver understand what happened but only wish for 2 things\; that he comes back and tell me that he did love me and why he acted like this or that I jut get better.hve not ben to work for 2 week, i m hurting so much ao i knoq how you feeL and all my thoughts are with upi
lots of hug. pls chat/email anytime
xoxo
I feel like I need to be out of the flat and be doing something since I know he is. It's almost like I'm competing with him. Trying to get even or prove to him I am enjoying myself without him. But it doesn't quite work.
This weekend I have no prospects and I am lost. I broke down and called him today just because I missed talking with him. I got his VM and actually left a message. AArgh....
But tonight, I don't know, perhaps another batch of Vongo.. (worth every penny)
Good luck. You'll make it.
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