Took a break, back with ex. Flame is hating me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2012
Took a break, back with ex. Flame is hating me.
4
Fri, 10-26-2012 - 9:57pm

Okay, first post but figured this is better than writing in my journal.

I've been with the same man for almost 5 years.  We took a break because I was confused and wasn't sure if he would ever step up and want to move to the next level.  During that break, I had a little something go on with someone im in nursing school with.  Knew it wouldn't really go anywhere since he was the complete opposite of what I usually date.  I usually go for clean cut guys while this guy was a biker dude with tattoos everywhere.  Anyways, i did develop some feelings but i think it was more lust than anything else.  Anyways, my ex at the time, started calling me again, and we worked things out and are back together.  I told "exhibit B" and he wasn't really surprised since most of the time, I'd been attempting to sabotage the "relationship" with him since I have trouble hurting other people's feelings.  So it ended with him and I'm not kidding, within an hour he had already slept with someone else. So I thought things would be fine and we'd be classmates again.  Unfortunately what followed was extreme coldness from him.  Undecided

Okay so the complicated thing is that I now have to go to school with this guy.  And from what he's said to me, he thinks I'm a gold digger who went back to my ex for security.  Which isn't true at all.  However, for some reason, I give a crap what this dude thinks of me.  And it's bugging me.  I care about the guy but won't go as far as saying I'm still attracted to him.  I really just want things to go back to the way things were before anything happened between us so our friends won't feel as if they have to choose sides.  And I've said that to him but he feels insulted by a comment I made when we called it quits about my ex being a better man than he was.  But I wasn't allowed to get mad over the gold digger remark.  Anyways, how should I deal with this when at school?  I see him every day and he either purposely avoids facing in my direction or is super quiet when sitting with the group as if he doesn't want me there.  It's affecting my concentration when I'm at school!Yell

I shot myself in the foot when i dated someone from class and I should know better at my age (31) but obviously the convenience factor was there.  Oh and btw, me and my handsome man are happy and are working out our lil issues. Cool

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Sat, 10-27-2012 - 4:11pm

When you started things with the "flame", did you explain to him that you were "on a break" with your boyfriend and that this was no more than a casual fling for you? If not, I can't really blame him for being angry. 

DblkwdwD wrote:
And I've said that to him but he feels insulted by a comment I made when we called it quits about my ex being a better man than he was.  But I wasn't allowed to get mad over the gold digger remark.  

Well, did you make your comment first? That was pretty hurtful and unncessary. You could have said your boyfriend is more compatible or a better man for YOU. Instead you basically just called your "flame" a loser and dumped him. No wonder he is lashing out by making digs about you being a gold digger - sounds like he's just giving you a taste of your own medicine. And you don't like it. Shocker. Now you know how he feels. 

Quote:
Anyways, how should I deal with this when at school?  I see him every day and he either purposely avoids facing in my direction or is super quiet when sitting with the group as if he doesn't want me there.  It's affecting my concentration when I'm at school!

Why is it affecting you so much? He's just ignoring you, which is not all that hostile - he could be really rude or nasty to you, instead, he's just trying to not deal with it at all. I would polite to him but not push or expect any interaction from him in public.

In private, if you haven't already, you need to apologize. Tell him you handled the whole thing very poorly and that you're very sorry you hurt him because that was never your intention. But if he's not ready to let go of his anger, you need to not let it bother you so much. You can't control how someone feels about you. You caused this and now you have to accept the consequences. You can not expect to dump someone, insult them, and then expect everything to go back to the way it was. 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 10-27-2012 - 7:49pm

DblkwdwD wrote:
<p>Okay, first post but figured this is better than writing in my journal.</p><p>I've been with the same man for almost 5 years.  We took a break because I was confused and wasn't sure if he would ever step up and want to move to the next level.  During that break, I had a little something go on with someone im in nursing school with.  Knew it wouldn't really go anywhere since he was the complete opposite of what I usually date.  I usually go for clean cut guys while this guy was a biker dude with tattoos everywhere.  Anyways, i did develop some feelings but i think it was more lust than anything else.  Anyways, my ex at the time, started calling me again, and we worked things out and are back together.  I told "exhibit B" and he wasn't really surprised since most of the time, I'd been attempting to sabotage the "relationship" with him since I have trouble hurting other people's feelings.  So it ended with him and I'm not kidding, within an hour he had already slept with someone else. So I thought things would be fine and we'd be classmates again.  Unfortunately what followed was extreme coldness from him.  </p><p>Okay so the complicated thing is that I now have to go to school with this guy.  And from what he's said to me, he thinks I'm a gold digger who went back to my ex for security.  Which isn't true at all.  However, for some reason, I give a crap what this dude thinks of me.  And it's bugging me.  I care about the guy but won't go as far as saying I'm still attracted to him.  I really just want things to go back to the way things were before anything happened between us so our friends won't feel as if they have to choose sides.  And I've said that to him but he feels insulted by a comment I made when we called it quits about my ex being a better man than he was.  But I wasn't allowed to get mad over the gold digger remark.  Anyways, how should I deal with this when at school?  I see him every day and he either purposely avoids facing in my direction or is super quiet when sitting with the group as if he doesn't want me there.  It's affecting my concentration when I'm at school!<img src="/forums/sites/all/libraries/tinymce/jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-yell.gif" alt="Yell" title="Yell" border="0" /></p><p>I shot myself in the foot when i dated someone from class and I should know better at my age (31) but obviously the convenience factor was there.  Oh and btw, me and my handsome man are happy and are working out our lil issues. <img src="/forums/sites/all/libraries/tinymce/jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/img/smiley-cool.gif" alt="Cool" title="Cool" border="0" /></p>

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 10-27-2012 - 7:50pm

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Quote:
" Knew it wouldn't really go anywhere since he was the complete opposite of what I usually date.  I usually go for clean cut guys while this guy was a biker dude with tattoos everywhere.  Anyways, i did develop some feelings but i think it was more lust than anything else."

You knew it, but did he? Apparently, it would seem you led him to believe something other than what you're saying now.  It may have been lust, a convenient distraction and just something to do while you waited out your boyfriend, but it sounded like what you're saying now isn't what you were conveying to him while you were lusting after him.

Quote:
, I'd been attempting to sabotage the "relationship" with him since I have trouble hurting other people's feelings.

It doesn't appear as if you have any trouble hurting other people's feelings if this is how you proceeded with this guy. Treating him as an inconvenience--your words--IS offensive if he didn't agree to provide that service for you in the first place.  The fact is: you blatantly used him for gratification--all it was about was lust on your part--if the shoe was on the other foot, you'd be incensed that some guy used you as a convenience, a distraction while the woman he really wanted to be with got around to making up her mind to be with him--and then slapped you in the face by saying "she's a better woman than you are" whether or not you meant it. By the age of 31, you should have some command and understanding of the words you use with people.  Not being able to understand how a statement like that would bring about the hostility you now find yourself getting from him, at your age, is breathtaking.  If you were 15 years younger, yeah...

Things are not going to be going back to the way they were before--sex has a way of obliterating that kind of a line especially when you didn't tell the other that that was your plan from the get-go.  They could have decided if they wanted to throw in with you or keep theirs to themselves.

As far as school is concerned,  you're going to be faced with the consequences of your actions every day for the foreseeable future should you continue to attend this same school and take the same classes. You're right--he doesn't want you there reminding him of how you bested him. You may not think that you did that, but that's what's going on in his head and it's from there than all of the animosity created by your actions stems.

There is no getting away from that unless you change your schedule or school. People in your circle of classmates may start giving you the cold shoulder or stanky side-eye and silent treatment for how you chose to proceed with their friend--and as an adult, those are the consequences of the actions you willingly took, so you're going to have to pull up your big girl pants and take it.  Not much else you can do. Complaining to one will get around to all and then you'll be starring in the big campus drama with everyone watching to see what your big, weekly denouement will be.  When he's done letting his hurt feelings have a run off their leash, he'll eventually move on to something else.  Til then you are just going to have to cope--or make a change in your class schedule/location. That's about all you got right now.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 10-28-2012 - 7:08pm

I'm not surprised that exhibit B called you a gold digger.  While you may not be a gold digger, his words were those of someone who was feeling hurt and used - and to make matters words had been insulted by you during the break up.      What on earth possessed you to tell this poor guy that your ex was a better man?  Such a comment can only lead to unnecessary hurt.

If you want to make things better at college, start by giving an unreserved apology to B.    And don't mention his comment about you being a gold digger because you brought that upon yourself. 

He may not accept your apology, but it's truly the only option you have.