torn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
torn
2
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 12:49am

So my boyfriend and I were together for more than a year.
He's got a few sticky situations, like an ex girlfriend of his who had a baby and told him the baby was his. at first she was cool about it and he got to see his daughter then she turned into into a "pay to play" situation and wanted child support. there were rumors that she had cheated and he wanted a DNA test but she refused. Getting a DNA test is expensive and it's even more expensive if you do it through the courts.
Well i waited for more than a year waited and waited for this dna test and he never got it. eventually the girl quit contacting him and never came after him for child support, but my parents, who were floored when i told them all this demand a dna test and want him to step up if the child is his (the right thing to do). Well, anyway...he said he didn't get the test cause of money, so i understood he didn't make a ton of money but he was trying to make a better life for himself, well then he gets a promotion and instead of saving up...he and his roommate got a more expensive apartment (this is the month after he told me he had to roll quarters to put gas in his truck)
so this made me really question his sense of money and his committment to us..why is he planning a new apt with his friend when we should be thinking about him moving in with me!
he has a bunch of debt and he dropped out of college so i think a career is going to be challenging for him. he wants to start his own remodeling company and he's amazing at that, but it's all word of mouth and it will take a long time to get going.
I felt like we were spinning our wheels, i was waiting for a proposal but he had so many things to clear up first and instead of saving money he was spending it on a new apt and a more expensive truck (for the remodeling) I know he loves me and I love him, he's a great guy, but i don't know if we think the same about money. after we broke up he came to my house and got really mad, he showed me the engagement ring he was going to give me, way to ruin the suprise if we ever get back together.

I told him i could only think about getting back together if something changed. he works 7 days a week so he can never go see my parents who are 4 hours away, i've never met his parents because they live 9 hours away and he's usually so tired form working all week that he passes out on the few days he has off and we don't get anytime together anyway.
He said he'd fix it all, but i'm scared to go back to all that drama, even though i love him. my life feels out of whack. I bought a house for our family, which we now won't be having and he did all this work on my house for free and i feel horrible about it.

I want us to work but I don't know how it will.

does anyone have any good advice on this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
In reply to: melly_mel2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 2:55am
I think you were completely right to break up with him. You cannot have a successul marriage when you and your spouse are at completely different places in your lives or I guess a better way to say it is to have two completely different mentalities. As for him bring the ring over, it seems like he was trying to make you feel guilty and it was such an immature thing to do. I think you need to tell him, here are the things that you need to do if we are going to get back together or ever have a life together and these are the things that will keep us from being together. Don't give in. Regardless of how sad or lonely you are now, you will be very upset with your decision later if you settle for less than you deserve, and right now it sounds like he is less than you deserve. Just please always remember there is always another fish in the sea. I know it's cliche, but it's okay when it's true. You really need to decide if you want to work on this with him or if it's just too much. Love isn't easy, but it's almost not impossible and it seem slike he's making the situation rather impossible. HOpe this helps. Jessica

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
In reply to: melly_mel2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 9:57am
thanks.
I actually did let him know that there are things that have to be done before i can even think about getting back together. it's one thing if someone has some debt, that is fixable, but the whole custody thing is something he has to do on his own.
thanks for your input!