Torn between....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Torn between....
5
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 6:36am

I'm confused, torn and just generally walking around dizzy.

I found out my bf had been having an affair for 8 months and we've only been together 18 or so months, which is hard enough. But he and his family were abused by his drunk father and has never emotinoally recovered.
Now after a lot of reading on the net I'm understanding ppl in his situation more and more and why he does the things that he does. I'm not absolving him of the guilt that he should rightly feel but I'm torn between dealing with the affair or dealing with his issues first. I have made the choice to put my feelings aside for the time being and try and support him through this stage of getting help for this, which he is doing and is appearing to be fairly serious about it, then we can tackle the affair when he's feeling like he can handle it. I just don't know what else to do or how else I can handle it. I know that I don't want to break up, I know that I do want a future with this guy but I also know that becasue of the abuse he thinks that it is better for us to break up and for him not to have to handle my pain becuase it just adds to his own.
For all our conversations he says he wants our future too but then he reverts back to the feeling that why would I want to be with him????? I'm better off without him, it annoys me so dman much because if I thought that I'd be better off without him I wouldn't be with him.
Yesterday was a bad day for us, he's convinced that he is worthless and can't do anything right. A simple trip into town to buy mothers day gifts ended in tears for us both. He just feels he is a f**k up and has only ever f**ked up his whole life, every job, every relantioship everything. But he doesn't get it that if ppl actually thought that way then ppl wouldn't employ him, be friends with him, talk to him, see him, be in love with him. I don't know how to support him through it.
So, I'm torn between taking the advice of ppl form the betrayed girlfriends board and put distance between us and let him come running back to me or trying to talk to him, tell himm I love him and support him through like I should according to the abused vitims support websites. I don't know that I'm doing the right thing for him or us at all!

HELP!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
In reply to: gscrow
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 7:05am
Hi, you may need to focus on yourself and your needs. If Alcoholism is an issue, there are programs like Alanon (or perhaps counseling, many 12 step programs). I don't think putting your feelings aside is healthy. He's an adult, you can't take care of him. If he's big enough to have an affair he's big enough to take responsibility...he needs to want to get better, you can't fix him. You really need to get some help and support yourself, and he may see you getting stronger and want to get help himself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
In reply to: gscrow
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 9:58am
He sounds very depressed. I agree with the last poster and you shouldn't put your feelings aside. I hope he doesn't cheat again, and good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: gscrow
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 12:06pm

Hi gscrow and welcome to the board.


I'm going to breakdown your post and comment on specific things.


::I know that I do want a future with this guy but I also know that becasue of the abuse he thinks that it is better for us to break up and for him not to have to handle my pain becuase it just adds to his own.


Sorry, to me that's his way of NOT owning up to all the emotions, feelings, and RESPONSIBILITY of his affair.



::For all our conversations he says he wants our future too but then he reverts back to the feeling that why would I want to be with him????? I'm better off without him, it annoys me so dman much because if I thought that I'd be better off without him I wouldn't be with him. Yesterday was a bad day for us, he's convinced that he is worthless and can't do anything right.


This is about his low self-esteem. While you want to help him and see potential, love him, want to support him, it doesn't work that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
In reply to: gscrow
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 12:21am
I've been where you are. I think I'm still there. I know you're thinking that loving him will move him to become a better person. There are cases in which people do change but your job right now is to focus on yourself. I was in a relationship for 3.5 years with a guy who's father abandoned him since birth and his mother was a very bitter person. She didnt want him to be happy aside from her. She was the 3rd person in my relationship. Nevertheless, he never dealt with his emotions regarding not knowing his own father. I think that led to self destrcutive behavior. I remember once asking him what was his worst fear in regards to our relationship and he said he was scared that he would do something to mess us up. He knew that I was good for/to him. He somehow made the conscious decision to sleep with someone else, and I found out right around the time we were about to live together. I was going to move to be with him after I graduated from college. I really thought we were going to get engaged and I would continue my education closer to him. He started sleeping with a women who was 10 years older than us. She had similar issues with drugs just like him so they connected. Despite what I knew I tried to work things out but somewhere along the lines I started to think what about me? How come I was able to stay faithful even though he wasnt emotionally there for me? I think you should walk away and only revisit that part of your life after he gets help for his issues and genuinely shows you that he is sorry and willing to do EVERYTHING that it takes to win your trust. Life is hard, its even harder when you have someone who doesnt care about himself or you, in your corner. I say focus on yourself. I personally have taken a new interest in my health and education. I go and get my hair and nails done every payday. I go out shopping, to the movies and restaurants with my friends. I sometimes have relapses and stay in bed thinking about what could have been. Thats why I feel that I can relate. Its hard but you have to start something that you can immerse yourself in, like school, the gym, or volunteering. Also pray. Pray for him too, not necessarily that you guys will end up happily ever after but that he will get the help he needs so badly. Remember you are allowed to mourn for as long as you need to, put all of the stuff that reminds you about him in a box. Don't torture yourself. God Speed and reply if you can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: gscrow
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 5:09pm
All,
Thanks for all your replys and I totally understand where you are all coming from. He is seeking help and seems to want to do it and help himself in the process, if anything this has helped him reslise he can't keep living his life like this. I'm not trying to fix him as such I just wanted to support him through so we can then sort out our issues on a more level playing field. If he's not in the right head space he's not damn use to me.
I know that putting off my own feelings is wrong but I'm too scared to handle them if I'm honest. It's so hard! Right now it doesn't bear thinking about.
We're not together, we talk but that's all. I've not taken him back and quite honestly I don't want him near me in that way right now.
Every day is a new day and I'm just getting through one day at a time, bit by bit. When I'm ready I'm going to go to a drop in centre and talk to some one of the counselors there.
I honestly don't know what else to do, apart from keeping it together I don't know how else to handle this whole situation.