Torn between 2 men

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Torn between 2 men
3
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 7:37am

Hi, I'm dating a man who is the same age as me, 25 for the last 4 years. I was very happy with him and I loved him. But the last 2-3 weeks I have gotten to know this other man who is 21 years my senior and I have so much to talk with him. I've met this man a few times for around 1 month.

I live with my current boyfriend for the last 5 months but I do most of the housework from cooking to cleaning. I also work part-time on top of a full-time education. He is in the same education as me.

My boyfriend I felt has been neglecting me and now take me for granted. He doesn't enjoy what I am interested and vice versa for me with him.

This new guy shares a lot in common with me in terms of interests and what I like most about him is that he cares about me. He praises me and he is funny. He calls me and emails me almost everyday. My boyfriend is a less frequent caller. He likes to spend more time with his friends, family or his computer. He isn't a romantic. He doesn't like to include me in his activities.

When I told my boyfriend that we have to go on our separate ways because we're drifting apart and we don't seem to enjoy each other's company anymore, he was making a big fuss by crying and promising me he'll do more housework. I don't think it will last that long. I feel the flame in my heart has died out for him and I couldn't prevent it. I don't know how this happened and I feel terribly guilty.

I don't know what to do. I can't make people sad like my current boyfriend sobbing and being angry with me. I feel guilty but at the same time, I feel unhappy. I've lost my appetite and weight.

My boyfriend can't promise to marry me but yet he says he doesn't want to lose me and says that I'm the only one. Yet he can't name anything that I feel is unique to me what he likes about me. He doesn't still know what I like.

And also I was quite unhappy with him during the first few years of our relationship because he spends time with a girl-friend of his. A few times he has come home at around 1/2am because he went out watching movies with her or went down to the pub or went studying at her place. She once even hung her knickers over the radiator in his bedroom to dry them when they were living in the same house and were sharing the same drying rack. I feel insecure because of my previous relationship and the way they are comfortable with each other. When I bring up the issue and get upset; he becomes angry with me and says I don't trust him. I know she's a friend and she's also my friend but I feel she kinda of treads on my territory a bit. Once he also hit me when I tried hurting myself because he won't listen. He also have said things like that he was buying me history books to improve my knowledge.

Good things about him is that he does help me out financially and sometimes he tries his best to fit in with my friends.

My current boyfriend is a good and decent person but now I don't know if I can be happy with just that.

I need advice asap!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will appreciate any that you can give me!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 2:52pm

Sounds familiar... I'd been dating my boyfriend for 4 years... and I don't know if he noticed, but I haven't be happy for a while... he's a great guy... but we want such different things out of life, that I knew if he proposed, I wouldn't be able to honestly say yes without restraints... Big red flag... So last night, I broke it off... and he was shocked. And I feel like a jerk. Tonight, he wants to talk about it... I know he's going to try and get me back... but I have to be strong and stand my ground... I know you're already doing that, but as my best friend told me... Sometimes you just have to say, look, the emails, texts, messages, they aren't going to bring us back together.

Hope that helps! Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 9:09pm

Wow...I feel for you both, but it is good to know I am not alone. I have been in a relationship for the past 5 1/2 years, and he is a great guy, but over the last 6-8 onths things have just kinda 'lost the spark' between us. To top it all off, I met someone else online, I actually started chattting to him about 3 years ago...friends only...but then something changed and we met a few weeks ago. I felt really bad meeting him, as I am in a relationship and it didnt feel fair to my current b/f. We also took a 'Break' and he left for about a week. But in that time, even though I asked him not to contact me, he sent me text messages and did call. He hasnt been crying, but close to it (at least not in front of me), but he makes me feel really bad.

My big fear is that I am just a a stagnant point in my relationship and i'm gonna make a big mistake and walk away from a really good thing. He treats me like gold, and is attentive etc...but you cant force yourself to feel something that is not there. I do also wonder if I feel like this because of this other guy and maybe if he werent there then I would feel better about my current relationship, but I dont know.

Anyway, I cant say I have any advice, but obviously there are others out there in the same boat as me, so hopefully someone with some good advice will come along and help us all out.

Avatar for alsatia23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 1:08pm

Okay ladies.







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