torturing myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
torturing myself
5
Sat, 11-10-2007 - 9:59pm

i apologize in advance...this story is going to be a bit long...


so, i met this guy about a year ago, through a mutual friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
In reply to: alyson_5
Sat, 11-10-2007 - 10:32pm

Dear Alyson_5,


He seems like a nice guy, but if he has a girlfriend now, stay distant from him. You may become tempted to make a pass at him and end up making a huge mistake. Then you'll be that slutty loser, who slept with another fellow female's girlfriend. However, he seems to be the type of guy that is faithful, especially since he told you in advance about stopping the physically relationship with you when he and this other girl get intimate. (There are soooo many men, who would have gone ahead with the new relationship and kept sleeping with you because he could take advantage of your vulnerability).


Since he is the kind of guy anyone would respect and like, I can see why you have feelings for him; however, we cannot be friends with guys, who we have romantic feelings for. We can have guy friends, who we may be physically attracted to, but when it goes deeper than that, we only set ourselves up for misery.


Call up another guy, who's always had a crush on you--even if you're not the least bit romanticly interested in him. Just acknowledging that there are other guys out there, who are and will be interested in you will make you feel less upset about this strike out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
In reply to: alyson_5
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 12:20am

No judgements. You did what you thought was right at the time and it backfired. C'est la vie. What's important is that you learn and move on from them.

In terms of friends with him, best ask yourself if being friends is for the sake of being friends (right now) or in hopes that he'll suddenly dump this new girl and realize what he lost with you. I'm leaning towards the latter here. I think the best solution is the moment is just to take some time off from him. Go out with some other friends, pick up a class, build a life away from him and revisit the friendship at a later date. If he's the kind of friend you want, he'll understand you need the adjustment period.

I can't say i agree with the call up someone to feel good about yourself. It smacks too much of using them to make yourself feel good - an faint echo of what your ex was doing to you. And secondly, it tells you that you can't feel good about yourself without someone else making you feel good. It's best to get to a place where you are happy with where you are without needing justification from anyone else.

All the best


- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: alyson_5
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 3:58pm

Welcome to the board alyson_5,


::i want so much to still be friends with him, to still have him in my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2007
In reply to: alyson_5
Sun, 11-11-2007 - 8:32pm

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's a difficult time for you right now, but I think the best thing for you to do right now is to stop contacting him. From my perspective, it sounds like he just wants to keep you around for the sex under the premise of being 'friends', but once he finds someone else he likes better, he cools things off with you. I've been where you are, and you can never be friends with an ex until you are completely healed from the relationship.


Right now you need to focus on you and work on building your self esteem so that you're not sucked back into being his 'friend'. Just because he didn't want to date you doesn't mean you don't have a lot of positive qualities to give to someone who will want to date you. One of the messages from the book "He's Just Not That Into You" is 'don't waste the pretty', meaning don't give all your love and affection to someone who doesn't appreciate it or reciprocate it.


I know you think he's being a good friend to you and that you enjoy spending time together, but you need to heal yourself first, otherwise this friendship will always be a source of pain. I wish you the best.


hugs, lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: alyson_5
Mon, 11-12-2007 - 10:02am

I categorically disagree that this guy is the type "anyone would respect or like." I certainly can't respect his actions as described by the OP, reason being because he's dating one girl and using the other for no-drama sex until his real girlfriend gives it up to him, at which point he's told the sex-buddy OP that she gets cut off in favor of the real one, thereby ensuring his access to sex and his own pleasure isn't cut off.

I question your interpretation of the word "faithful" you've ascribed to him, since he is so clearly not that. Maybe you're not aware that in general there are so many better men than this, men of higher personal conduct and standards, who wouldn't continue to use someone they selfishly call "friend" for sex when their real object of affection is someone else. He IS, in fact, most certainly taking advantage of her vulnerability and knew that-- KNEW THAT-- the very fist time it happened, which is why he apologized to begin with. I'm not saying he's evil, I'm saying he's weak. And who wants weak?

And the OP or anyone stuck in a FWB situation or rut because they don't realize that they are only holding themselves back from their own fabulousness by holding onto dreams instead of facing reality, could not possibly be termed as either "slutty" or "losers" since neither is true. I'm surprised you would use those terms when in the same breath, you talk about "fellow females."

I appreciate your heart is in the right place with the input you made, I'm just wondering what personal place you're coming from since the way you see certain things tells me that maybe your view of relationships and how men and women should act toward each other seems a bit distorted.

Have a good day,

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