Totally Broken or Just a Break?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Totally Broken or Just a Break?
4
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 4:07pm

Is it putting pressure on my Ex to ask him if we are on a break or we are officially Done?
The reason I ask is that last Friday when we talked he said that he had not intended to break up with me, just talk. I came out and asked him how he could have let me cook his favorite meal, tell me to get wine, have normal conversation over dinner, and then take me outside to see the sunset each with a wine glass in hand. He then kissed me and said that at this very moment it felt so right but he couldn't be with me. I didn't know what hit me!!!

I should have asked him when he brought it up last week but it didn't occur to me then. I mean when I think about how he said that he Loved me/I am beautiful/smart/etc...BUT he just couldn't do a relationship right NOW. I suggested that we not talk for awhile and maybe have dinner or something in September when all the kids were back in school. I then made it a point to stress that this was not a date set in stone, just an idea. He said he couldn't promise me anything but he couldn't say that he didn't love me. My therapist said that once things calm don for him, she believes that he will be back but I must take back some of the cards as he knows he is holding them all right now. She said that when he calls, I should be the one to end the conversation. Tell him I can't talk right now and when he presses for a reason, I am just busy or about to walk out the door. No explanations.

What do you think? I know it has to be No Contact on my end. I did send a Birthday card but just a funny one, just signed my name.. No I Love You or anything like that.

He may NOT even call I suppose to thank me or anything. No expectations I guess.

Thanks for any help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 9:15pm

From what he said, this isn't a break, it's very much a break up. Sorry :(

I would very much start acting a bit stuck up with him, that's the best way I can put it. Really, if you don't then he IS holding every one of the cards, and you do need to take them back. Doesn't matter if it's "now" or "later," what he said and how he did this was pretty dumb, girl. You know that.

When dumb things come flying out of people's mouths, they need to be shown what the consequences are. If he does call, you need to make him work for your attention, just like your couselor said. If you never did that in the first place, when you first started dating, now would be a good time to learn how.

Oh yeah, no more suggestions or ideas from you about getting together in the future, even just to talk. Don't sell yourself cheap that way. He needs to feel the pinch.

And oh yeah, no more cards. Not now. Wait until he performs a head-butt extraction.

Good luck!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 10:18pm

Thanks.. I am having one heck of a crappy day. Of course he Didn't respond to the card and even though we said last week that we wouldn't even talk for awhile.. I don't know. It seems unlike him not to respond.

I told him in one of our Post Break Up conversations that he doesn't even deserve to be talking to me at all but because I thought we had something real, I was willing to talk. He said that he thought we had something real too and that he loved me and that is why HE still wanted to talk.

How do you break up with someone by accident?? You know, I thought I did a lot right in this thing. I waited to introduce him to my kids, I took it slow. He was even getting to be friends with my Ex Husband who liked him and was grateful that I was with someone who was so good to our kids. I had to laugh when you said he needed to get his head out of his you know where because my Ex Husband said the same thing except he wasnt so polite about it. (LOL)

This is so hard. I believed and trusted in this man. I was too much the last couple of weeks but I was just at my wits end as to why he refused to get anything done. I still never nagged... I would just follow up with him after he would say he was going to do such and such. I do one thing wrong and I am out? I was ready for our new life together. Our relationship had been mostly good and when it got bad, it was during Real stress. I had been willing to take on a stepson with a disability. I had been willing to work on a house remodel. I quitely put up with his Mother who liked to pretend that this marriage was not happening. (She was nice to me at some family events and when she came over his house once but she did not allow me in her house)

I know...now you are thinking Why Bother but I talked to other people and Mother In Laws from Heck are not that uncommon and it wasn't like we were gonna have more kids or anything.

I want to Hate him. What he did was so screwed up and I am sick of wasting my tears on him.

Some things were just so good. He was sweet and attentive. You know when you go out an you see these couples that are so into each other? We were that couple. Shared values, good conversation, humor, all of what you are supposed to have in a good relationship. We did not deal with conflict, that was the downside. We really never had any which is pretty strange for 2 people going on 2 years together. It almost seems to me that whatever I did that was bothering him (Which all I know for sure is he was sick of talking about his son) caused him to End it all rather than discuss it. God knows what his Mother was saying.

His friends loved me, his sister loved me, His kid, Him, my kids cried when I told them. I really thought I was approaching this relationship with eyes wide open and by "playing"by all the rules. We discussed blending our families, finances, what we wanted out of marriage, what we didn't want. And we were so connected. He told me recently that I made him feel alive...3 weeks before the break up he sent me a dozen long stemmed roses..With a card that simply said I Love You.

I just don't know what happened. :-(

I don't want to be like this.I even gave others on this board terrific advice but today I can't follow any of it myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 11:31am

Hey Norah -

Its me again! Our relationships sound very similar. Mine we also had very little conflict. If we did have disagreements, we'd talk about it and one of us would eventually back down. We got along great and had a great time. His whole family loved me, his kids loved me (which we'd also taken it slow and i hadn't met them for the first year). Thats why this week is a little hard for me because he has the week with his kids and I'm not involved at all. :( Even after we broke up he said they'd want to see me but I haven't been invited yet and they go home tomorrow. Ouch.

We also had been together for about two years. We'd always talked about our future and made plans to be together forever. And as recent as like yours, 3 weeks before, he had called me out of the blue to say I love you and hadn't done anything like in a while.

I'm going back through and reading and printing Sandra's resources. :) Helpful... right now I feel like I'm flailing in the quick sand. :(

Like you I am torn between confusion at knowing exactly what went wrong when overall we were so good together. But wanting to be angry and hate him because of how I've been treated since.

We need to be strong and really start to put into practice these things we say, although its insanely difficult, huh?

Lisa

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 1:39am

It is insanely difficult but I made a HUGE step today. He texted me Thanks for the Birthday card, it was great. I miss you.

I went back to playing volleyball.

I was at a club when my phone rang around 11pm. He left a message and said he Had a strong feeling that he Had to call and he hoped I was alright.

He sounded terrible and I really felt bad until I remembered how Hellish my day was yesterday.

I don't know what is going to happen. I suppose I will text him at some point in the morning and tell him I am Fine and Your Welcome. Didn't get your messages until his morning. Or something to that effect.

I have real feelings and he trampled on those feelings so what does he expect? It seemed to freak him out when I didn't reply to his text.

Maybe now he is enjoying a rather sleepless night?

I am not in to playing games but No Relationship means just that. If he cares that much, he would not have broke it off. He CANNOT have it both ways.

We owe to ourselves to not let a man have power over us in this way. This is not to say that I don't want to work things out but I will not go back so soon only to have him change his mind again. I can't allow him to put me through that.

You have the same strength that I do. Sign up for a class, do yoga, join a book discussion, get out there and live because you are have Value... Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. No guy can stop us from Living.