Toughest 2 months...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2005
Toughest 2 months...
3
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 8:14pm

Hi everyone,

I'm new. Figure meeting some new people who are in similar boats like me can't hurt.

Like the title says the past couple of months have been extremely hard. My boyfriend and I broke up after dating for 22 months. A bit of background, we started dating in college and he was 2 years ahead of me in school. We dated for just over a year at school before he graduated from college. We had long discussed the entire job search matter and both knew it was not realistic for him to focus his search in the area wherea our school is (slow job market here). Anyways, long story short, he accepted a great job three states away, 450 miles, 9 hours driving... We didn't think this was a reason to break up and tried to keep it together. No, it wasn't easy, and our relationship wasn't perfect, but we loved each other and made the best of the time we did have together...

During the 8 months that we dated long distance, I really started having doubts. Not about him or our relationship, but what we were going to do next, after I graduated from college. The idea was that I would find a job in his area, move up there and then start planning a wedding. Honestly, all that freaked me out. He was my first serious relationship and I was having a hard time imagining how I would get married at 22. To me that age seems young...

When I visited him in January we really hit a wall. We both decided that it was best to take a break during the next couple of months. I returned to school back in my home state and its been an emotional rollercoaster ever since.

I love him, he loves me, we care about each other and yet, we have broken up. It really doesn't make sense to me. I wish I could just be content in getting married young (like a lot of the girls I am around here at school). We have talked every few days since January, I know, I have heard this is a no no. But, anyways we have, and have tried to get back together a couple of times, but have ended up unsure about it all, and re- breaking up. Like I said, an emotional rollercoaster for all involved. I was thinking about heading up there for spring break, but at the pleading of my best friend I am going on a roadtrip to VA and TN. Should be fun, and I know deep down that it's for the best, but I can't shake the thought that I should be heading up to see my boy...I miss him terribly. We haven't talked in over a week now and that is driving me nuts too.

If you are still reading thank you. I know this post has been long. All I am really trying to say is "Hi! I am new!" LOL Anyways, any support, comments, suggestions you may have is very welcome. Can't wait to get to know all of you better!

Thanks,
Jay

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 9:23am

I think it is a very brave and wise thing to break up and take time to regroup at this point. If even the smallest part of you feels you aren't yet ready to get married, listen to that instinct. I got married at 23 and am now divorced. There are a lot of people who do not believe in divorce so, essentially, what those people are saying is that you are to be held accountable for the rest of your life for the decision you make when you get married. And I will go to my grave insisting that at 23 years old I was not informed and mature enough to make a decision that I'd have to stick with for the rest of my life. I changed a TON in my 20s and continue to change in my 30s but I can say, had I gotten out on my own after college and gotten to know who I was before getting married, I probably could have made an informed decision by my mid to late 20s. That said...I'm not entirely sure why it's all or nothing with the two of you. Why do you HAVE to get married once you graduate? Why can't you continue to be together but not living together, get your careers and lives together, and then marry later? The distance is probably eventually going to get to you... I would say I'd think long and hard before moving to his area just for him. If it didn't work out, you'd be stuck there, knowing no one but him. I don't know; it just seems like this shouldn't have to be all or nothing.

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2005
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 1:03pm

Hi Steph,

Thanks for your thoughts on my situation... I think I am hesitant about marrying young because my own Mom went through a similar experience to yours.

I just wanted to clarify why things have turned into an all or nothing situation. It's partially me, we almost dated 2 years and so the next logical step is marriage, I suppose. Like I said I have hesitations concerning getting married young. Also, he is my first serious relationship and as crazy as this sounds, I feel the need to date other people/be single for awhile. This is very hard because I feel as though my ex is THE one. In a way it seems like he came into my life when I was too young or something.

So, that's my side of it. I will now say things are all or nothing because of him too. He feels that if I am having hesitations about marriage, then I am not fully committed to him. In a way I think he believes I will never be ready to marry him. Also, he is OK with living together for a little while (max a year or so), but the way he sees it is: well if we are living together like a married couple, why shouldn't we be married?

It's a tough situation, but in a way I feel like I have things left to do with my life before I get married. I love him, but I guess I am learning the hard way that that's not enough.

~Jay

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 2:07pm

First, let's tackle the notion of "the one." From the time I started dating, I believed every member of the male species I was involved with was "the one" at the time. Like everyone else, I had short-term memory loss once the relationship was dead and buried and said, 'I always knew SOMETHING wasn't right, deep down.' I'm 35 years old, divorced, and my first relationship outside of my divorce was with a man who had a girlfriend of 7 years he was 'trying to leave.' We could talk for hours about nothing and I said, REPEATEDLY, that I'd never clicked with anyone the way I clicked with him. He must be the one, right? Heck no. And once I finally woke up from my little fantasy world and saw the truth, my conversations with him suddenly were no longer so magical. I fully believe that when we are falling for someone, we get into some sort of crazy fog that makes us think we're Cinderella and he's Prince Charming. Then once it's over, we move on to the next one, who becomes the REAL Prince Charming. ("No, I promise, this one really IS it. The others were just practice..." :-))

That said -- yes, love is all about timing. But I believe people are going to come and go through all our lives over the course of a lifetime and they will be exactly what we need at that time. The man you are going to marry will appear when you're ready -- not because it's magic but because you will be open to it and will see him when he appears. You are completely right that now is your time to be single and explore your options and the fact that you are mature enough to realize it makes you way ahead of a lot of other women your age. It also means that when you do find "the one" (i.e.: the guy who is most compatible with you on every level and happens into your life at the time you're ready to find him), he'll probably be "the one" you live "happily ever after" with.

Steph