this is tough...please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
this is tough...please help
3
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 4:35pm

So I'm not doin too great. I broke up with my boyfriend for like 8th time. I'm hoping that with time I realize it was the right thing to do. Well it's that time of the month so my emotions are all over the place. I miss him a lot. Sometimes I feel like maybe he is the one. But this is exactly what I used to do, just constantly think about it. I think I have sort of figured some things out though. I think I stayed with him so long (8 months) because I just kept thinking about what I had hoped for the relationship, and wanted it to be. I kept thinking it was something that it was not. Has anyone else kept going back to an ex yet they didn't know how they felt???

I hate it because it feels like none of it was real, on my part...but on his part, it was all real. That makes it so tough. But I know I wasn't in love, I mean I just don't have feelings like that for him. I don't understand why though. He cares about me, loves me, would do anything for me. It's like bam, you get what every girl dreams of, and then you just don't feel it? wtf? I have been thinking lately, and think that I like the chase, and that I want a guy to play hard to get in a way. Well he didn't, he was all over me from the beginning, I never had to question what he felt. Could that be possible? If so, how do I get over that or do I have to find someone to chase to make it work?

Sometimes I feel like I will date other people and what not, but will end up going back to him, but I am scared that the gut feeling of it not feeling right will just always be there...so i would be afraid to chance it with him down the road. I guess I feel like if I can get over him (which I feel I can) then he is not the one. But if I find myself still missing him and not the idea months later (cuz I think I just miss the idea of it now) then i will go from there. This brings another question...Has anyone ever broken up with someone only to find that they were the one? If so, how long did it take, a few weeks or months? Did you date around before you realized it? I just think I should have felt it by now. I don't know, I am really confused. Hopefully I will meet a guy that just turns everything around and makes me feel what its like to be in love, so that I can know that it isn't love with this guy now. I just have nothing else to compare it to, so that is why I think I keep going back, because I just don't know any better or what it even feels like. Allright, advice please! and if you can answer any questions I have said, I would appreciate it, Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 4:58pm
take your time. Stick to your instincts. This too will pass in time its hard at first. But if you believe in your heart it has to end then make it that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 05-03-2006 - 7:45pm

Breaking up 8 times in about 8 months is not normal nor healthy.

Counseling might help you figure out the need for the 'chase.'


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:51pm

You said-

"Sometimes I feel like I will date other people and what not, but will end up going back to him, but I am scared that the gut feeling of it not feeling right will just always be there...so i would be afraid to chance it with him down the road."

Maybe you need to take a break from dating and spend some time ALONE. IMO, one of the hardest things about a breakup is getting used to being by yourself again. It sucks, but at the same time, you need to do it. It lets you really figure out why the ex wasn't good for you (8 breakups in 8 months- that means he's not the right person for you) and what you will/won't do in your next relationship. It sounds like you keep going back to him again and again more because of a fear of being alone than because of your feelings for him. Be strong and focus more on hanging out with your friends, family, whatever than trying to find a new boyfriend.

Erica