Transitioning to friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
Transitioning to friends?
3
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 12:55am

Background: My ex dumped me several weeks ago. This was the second time he had broken up with me (and it will be the last - I'm finding me someone who knows they want to be with me!). He claims that "it" wasn't there and I was really more like his best friend (which, in retrospect, is probably true, though it still hurt). I didn't speak to him at all for a while, but then let him know that it was okay to talk to me.

My issue: Now, he calls/IMs/emails all the time (usually, multiple times a day). I really enjoy talking to him, but I feel like he keeps crossing lines and isn't receptive when I tell him that certain things are not okay (like whining about how much he misses me, or pretending(?) to be really sad when I can't talk - be assured, I do not mimic this behavior). Worse yet, if I call, he never seems to answer the phone and calls me back on his time. In short, I feel kind of manipulated - like he wants me to be available to him all the time (purely emotionally - I haven't agreed to see him since the breakup). My fear is that I'll become accustomed to this behavior and then one of us will start dating someone else and, "I talk to my ex all the time" will no longer be acceptable. Or, he will tell me about how super his new girlfriend is and I will freak out and be hurt all over again (or vice versa). And I will have lost a great friend.

Has this ever happened to anyone else? How did you set boundaries? How do you transition? I *do* want to be his friend, but I don't feel like this is friendship. It seems...strange.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 9:09am

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It feels strange because it's too soon to friends with him. There are still unresolved feelings with your ex. And you're right, if you stay friends with him now, you will run the risk of hearing him talk about his new girlfriend(s)or become a booty call. I would just tell him that you feel it's best that you two do not stay in contact for a while. At least until you're both dating other people and the feeling of being together in a relationship has subsided. I mean really ask yourself, what is your real motivation for wanting to remain his friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 2:38pm

Just think Positive, relax, focus on yourself,do yoga or any form of exercise (it is said that exercise releases and eliminates stress and depression), go dancing, and just enjoy life. When you focus on everything that you want to do then you'll know if your over him. This guy clearly dosn't deserve you, and there are plenty of men in this world you just got to wait for the right one.But let me tell you something when people focus, care, and love themselves they attract people.So don't give up on love, because like i said you deserve so much more.Don't be afraid that there aren't any good guys because there are tons of good guys you just got to find out where they all hang out, and some more advice when searching for someone new open your horizons!

If you want to keep him asa friend and only a friend then you have to set up boundaries, and you have to let him know "what's ok and what's not ok".....so don't let him manipulate you and be strong!!!
Good Luck,
Alexi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 3:04pm
It is strange because it's on his terms. It's one-sided. He gets what he wants, doesn't care about your boundaries, hounds you when he wants to, complains about missing you (why? does he want you get back with him? And if so does this mean he's only staying friends to try to win you back?)


Carrie