Trapped!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2007
Trapped!
3
Sat, 07-06-2013 - 11:56am

Hello everyone - thanks for listening. . . . .

I am feeling totally trapped in my current relationship. I have been living with my BF for way too long - 5 years. He moved into the house I own because he was a renter. He has never really contributed his fair share for expenses. Lost his job about 6 months after moving in and decided he wanted to be self employed. He thinks he can earn a living blogging or designing websites and hasn't really earned any amount of money in all this time.

I could maybe handle the responsibility of supporting him if he was communicative about the situation, but his his vague and evasive. He is extremely moody and really difficult to be around. I dread coming home from work and being around him on the weekends.

I really want to break up and have him move out but he has nothing. He has no money to support himself and literally no friends or family (he has not spoken to his family in 3 years.) to help him out. I am trapped. I don't know how to get out of this relationship.

Thanks!!

phoenix

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 07-06-2013 - 5:28pm

You just have to put your foot down and tell him to move or he may stay there forever.  Bascially he is not being a boyfriend, but a free-loader.  It is sad that he does not have the money to support himself and no friends and family to turn to, but that is not your problem.  It is your home and sanctury.  It is not fair that he made it so unpleasant that you dread going home.

To protect yourself, in case he becomes violent, I would have some burly friends on stand-by (like waiting in a car in the next block within cellphone reach) when you tell him to move out, and again, have friends around when he is moving.  After that, change the locks.

The longer you wait, the more difficult it gets for both of you.  In fact, by allowing him to not contribute to the household expense for almost five years you have sent him a message that it is OK.  Now you must do the hard part and tell him it is not OK.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 07-07-2013 - 12:03am

Unless you really want him around forever, you need to tell him that he has a certain time to look for another place and then stick with it.  You might also want to check with a lawyer to see if he has actually become a "tenant" who you will have to give legal notice to evict him.  You might think it's sad that he has no place to go but it's not your fault that he doesn't have money--he was the one who decided to try blogging instead of getting a real job--hey, much easier to live off the girlfriend than have to work.  I hope you learned from this experience that you wouldn't put up with this again.  If you have someone move in, you establish what he has to pay in expenses.  I can see making an exception if someone is hurt or sick but not just cause he doesn't feel like paying.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 07-09-2013 - 3:35pm

He sounds like he is depressed.  Being unemployed and being self-employed haven't worked. You ask (reasonably) to see progress and he can't show any, so he is vague and evasive.  It's a dreadful cycle.

Having said that, there's no reason you need to prolong this scenario.  You need to tell him it's over and he needs to move out.  Period.