Traumatized from my breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2012
Traumatized from my breakup
6
Sun, 11-03-2013 - 1:15am

My on-and-off boyfriend of 9 years broke it off last year in August and it was incredibly hard on me.  We were living together, I truly believed this was it and we would eventually get married.  Without elaborating too much, it was an abusive relationship and the breakup came as a big shock to me and I literally had a nervous breakdown from it.  He left for a week and left his loaded 9mm for me (for protection) and I had never felt so suicidal and desperate before in my life, the anxiety attacks I was having were crippling and all I could do that week was panic and cry and throw up and wonder what I was going to do... 30 years old, had lost my job a year prior so I was in college full time and collecting unemployment.  I literally had constant anxiety for a week straight and couldn't function, and I couldn't tell anyone how bad it was because I was even afraid of myself.  If anyone reading this has ever suffered from anxiety attacks, they are terrifying and horrible and I can't help but think the only solution is death, but I would never do anything to harm myself.  I have to remind myself it will pass.... Well it's now been well over a year since the breakup.  The anxiety came and went for a long time, and I thought it was gone completely until I started dating again.  I started seeing a man on a regular basis and I started to develop feelings for him, which in turn started to give me massive anxiety attacks again :(  While he was with me I had 2 anxiety attacks and not only was it humiliating to confess to him, it is extremely depressing for me to think that I may have to live the rest of my life with this crippling anxiety.  That man has since decided that I am not ready for anything more than friendship.  He was very understanding and comforting when I had the attacks but he's not looking for a woman with issues..no man is.  Well that was about a month ago.  Since then I started to see a new man and I spent the night with him last night... I woke up at his house and I was fine initially, but then anxiety kicked in... It seems the moment I start to like a man, I start having panic attacks.  I am so terrified of having my world turned upside down again.  I don't want to get hurt again.  I long for the companionship of a man in my life and the affection and everything, but I am absolutely terrified of being hurt again and this fear is now ruling my everyday life.  I don't want to live with this anxiety :( I am scared now that I will never be the same, and that I will never be able to love again. It's so depressing :( At least this new guy also suffers from anxiety attacks so he totally understands but it felt pretty lame telling him this morning that I was having anxiety and that it was because I like him.  I can't believe this.  I was in counseling for a few months to try to address this (she says it's PTSD) but since I got a full-time job (THANK GOD) my counselor had to end the sessions because she doesn't work after 5:00.  That was a big blow, just when I thought I was getting somewhere....  I don't know what to do now. I like this guy, I really liked the last guy.  I am very ready to have a man in my life, but my mind and heart are ruined.  So sad....

Avatar for slah54
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 11-03-2013 - 6:26am
Get yourself back into counseling. Either find one who works later hours, or find a way to get off work earlier. Could you start earlier on days you have an appt or see her at lunchtime? Maybe work a little overtime and take time off in lieu of pay? See her before you go to work?
Avatar for slah54
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 11-03-2013 - 6:31am

Oops!  Duplicate. Sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 11-06-2013 - 12:50am

Sorry to say you are NOT ready to have a man in your life.  You need to forget about dating until you get back into counseling.  You won't be ready until you realize and understand that you and your life do not depend on any man.  When you can understand that, your anxiety attacks should end, because you won't fear losing every man you've been involved with.  The first one was abusive, and he taught you to be reliant on a man instead of on yourself.......you have to learn all over again what it is to be happy within yourself, have self confidence and understand that no woman NEEDS a man to have a fulfilled life.  We all want one, but most aren't going to settle for the first one that comes along, or one who is verbally, mentally or physically abusive. 

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 11-06-2013 - 1:29pm

You aren't ruined.  You are someone who has been through an awful experience.

Please try to find a new therapist who can see you in the evenings (ask your old therapist for a referral).  Your new therapist may also refer you to a psychiatrist who can prescribe anti-anxiety medication. 

YES IT HELPS.  My 21yo son finally agreed several months ago to go on Zoloft for everyday anxiety and another medication for panic attack situations, and it has made a world of difference in his ability to handle the ups and downs of life, including relationships.  His cousin also takes anti-anxiety meds and he too has been able to manage life, including a job and a 5-year relationship with a lovely young woman who we hope will be his wife soon.

Please don't delay.  And btw I think the adage that you have to love yourself and be happy alone before you can have a relationship is nonsense.  I've never lived alone, I met DH when we were 19, and being in a relationship has helped us grow individually and together into strong, interdependent human beings.  Which is what human beings are.  We never were meant to be islands. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2002
Tue, 11-12-2013 - 3:56pm
I know how you feel...Im going through a breakup myself, though mine didnt involved a 9mm. Still it hurts when someone you love violates you. Get yourself back into counseling, I know its hard to trust again after youve been hurt, yet I also understand about needing the love of a good man. Give yourself a little time to see how the counseling goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2013
Mon, 11-18-2013 - 4:34am

Hi im really sorry about your situation, i was in same situation before some one gave me this book to read. The ebook helped alot.I have attached here for you to read also, hope it helps