Truly on my way... :)
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| Thu, 01-06-2005 - 4:07pm |
Well, it's been awhile since I've posted...and there's good reason for that!
I've been feeling SO much better lately. I have not had any contact with my ex recently--it's been nearly two months since I wrote him that last e-mail, and over a month since he has contacted me (he sent me a text message not long after I sent the e-mail). If you saw my last real post ("Annoyed"), then you know how I felt about that. I was quite upset that my ex had contacted me after I specifically told him not to anymore in the e-mail...I felt disrespected, and I was also confused. His text message managed to spark that old glimmer of hope in me once again.
But it's been awhile since that happened...and you know what? I'm doing great! I have been focusing on myself for once and it's wonderful. I have been spending more time with my family and friends (both old and new), and I've started concentrating on doing the things that make ME happy. It is SO nice not having to worry about my ex anymore--I don't have to worry about making him jealous, angry, etc. I love being in control of my life. I don't think that I've ever felt stronger than I do right now. I'm very proud of myself for not contacting my ex anymore. I told him in the e-mail that it would be the last time he would be hearing from me, and I am glad that I haven't given in. Contacting him after I said that would only hurt me and make me look weak/foolish. I don't even have urges to contact him anymore...what is there left to say?
For a long time, I desperately tried to hold on--to nothing. My ex and I broke up over six months ago, and I had a very hard time letting go of him. I struggled with no-contact, and also with the idea of him forgetting me. I was jealous of his new girlfriend and confused about what he wanted from me. I also blamed myself and wanted to "redeem" myself to him. I wanted to make things right between us, and I convinced myself that I could be his friend if only he would let me. But I was wrong...I was in denial. I'm not ready to be his friend, and I will probably never be. And he has proven to me that he isn't somebody that I want in my life. I'm not interested in dating him anymore, or even being his "friend." I have accepted the fact that we have different expectations/morals, and that he does not treat me with the respect that I deserve. It isn't that one of is the "bad" person in this situation, or that he is wrong and I am right...we are just different.
Of course, there are times when I feel nostalgic or lonely, and I miss him. And I don't doubt that a part of me will always care about him in some way. I will never forget him...but that isn't going to stop me from moving on with my life. I have learned so much from this experience--as painful as it has been, it will make me a better, stronger person. I am finally becoming content with myself...I've been working on my issues and insecurities. My relationship with my ex was not healthy for me...it just wasn't right. And it's taken me awhile, but I've finally realized that I AM better off without him. I honestly believe that this whole thing happened for a reason.
I guess I just wanted to write this in order to give you all an update and to let you know that there IS hope :) Six months ago, I never would have believed that I would make it to this point. I really thought I'd be stuck on my ex forever...I thought that I had lost everything. My self-esteem had definitely hit an all-time low. But as time has passed, the pain has faded--along with my strong feelings for my ex. I still have my weak moments, but those rarely happen anymore.
It really is a day-by-day process...something that you have to "get through," not something that you can just "get over." Sure, there are plenty of times when you feel lousy and like the pain will never heal...but eventually you will reach the point that I have--acceptance. I no longer believe that my ex will change his mind about me, nor do I hope that will happen...because I no longer believe that he could be the person I want him to be. He is who he is. I could never take him back after everything that has happened. I wasn't really mourning the loss of him...I was mourning what could have been. The person I thought he was and the person he truly is are two very different people. I know that my ex does not have the qualities that I find so valuable...and that I could never trust him again.
Somebody on this discussion board and I have been e-mailing back and forth, and she mentioned to me that she was feeling sad about closing this chapter of her life. In my reply, I told her that I had been feeling sad about this as well, but I had thought about it some more and realized something very important: the chapter of my ex that I miss (the love, the good times, etc) closed a LONG time ago--over six months to be exact. That chapter ended when we broke up, or maybe even before then. A new chapter opened up when that happened--this horrible, painful time in which I've been trying to deal with getting over my ex. And you know what? I am EXTREMELY excited to close this chapter of my life! I am so glad that the new year has begun...it makes me think that I can finally say goodbye to some of my baggage. It's just really refreshing when you think about it like that. It's time for changes, time to say goodbye for good.
My ex is just ONE person who walked away from me, who let me go. For awhile, I felt really rejected...but then I remembered--I have so many amazing friends and a loving family. I am SO lucky. Like I wrote in one of my e-mails to someone on this discussion board, sometimes I look around at all of my wonderful friends, and I think to myself, "Wow, I must be pretty great if I have these people in my life." Look around you and see how many people's lives you have touched, how many people care about and love you. Your ex is just ONE person who has failed to see what an awesome person you are. It is his loss, not yours.
I'm not saying that my journey is over. I still have a lot more to learn and I'm sure that I will still feel sad about my ex sometimes. Sometimes I still wonder if I have really heard the last of him (which is why I'm considering blocking his screenname/phone #, something I was too scared to do in the past). But I have hope, and faith in myself. I used to think that I needed a boyfriend to be complete, and that I would never be able to find love again. But I've learned two things: 1) I am a terrific person ON MY OWN and do not need somebody else in order to be worth something...it is more important to feel secure within myself, and 2) I WILL find love again, if I'm meant to...I believe that there are some really great guys out there, and I think things will just occur naturally if I meet the right person. There are millions of people in this world who have loved, lost, and found love again....and I fully believe that I will get another shot at love. But until then, I'm going to focus on MYSELF...because I deserve it :)
I hope everyone starts to feel better soon...please take care of yourselves. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. Too many people settle because they are scared, lonely, etc...but you owe it to yourself to do what it takes to make you happy. YOU are the most important person in your life, and you need to always remember that. You can make it through this difficult period of your life...just give it time, and maintain no-contact. I admit that I was skeptical of the NC rule at first--mainly because I just didn't want to let go of my ex, and I was desperate for any crumbs he was willing to throw at me. But I slowly picked myself up off the ground and got back my self-respect. Now I'm a firm believer in NC...I know I wouldn't be feeling this great if I had tried to keep in touch with my ex. I realize that I did write my ex that last e-mail, but it wasn't for his sake. It was for mine...I really did have things to say/explain to him. I felt better afterwards, but that's because I truly wasn't expecting to hear back from him so there was no chance of me being disappointed. I wouldn't recommend doing that for everyone. Of course, it is up to you...just remember that it is only possible to achieve closure within yourself. Your ex may never give you the answers you are seeking...it is up to YOU to find acceptance/closure and move on with your life.
GOOD LUCK...stay strong <3
"Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution."
"'Cause if there is a reason for love, there is a reason for life beyond it."
"Things don't go wrong and break your heart so that you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down & build you up, so that you can be all that you were intended to be."
"A heart can be broken, but it will keep beating just the same."
"Every story has an end. But in life, every ending is just a new beginning."

I just want to thank you for your message. I've been reading through these postings hoping to help myself get over the pain and I think yours has at least provided some inspiration.
I'm sorry to hear about your breakup...five years is a long time. I'm sure you are experiencing a lot of pain right now, and my heart goes out to you.
But I'm really glad I was able to provide at least some inspiration for you through my post. These discussion boards really are a great help, aren't they? I am so relieved that I found them.. The people on here are very supportive and insightful, plus everybody can relate so well to one another. It makes me really happy to know that I managed to make you feel even just a little better :)
That's rough that you and your ex work together and have to see each other often...I can't imagine how difficult that must be, especially since my own relationship was long-distance. But please don't give up faith in yourself...you WILL make it through this and come out a better, stronger person. Just try to focus on making yourself happy and avoid your ex as much as possible. Be patient...it takes time to heal. Good luck <3
KCL,
Thank you for sharing your experience and how you are getting through it. We are all wonderful people, and you are a gem. Good luck in continuing to find out how happy you can make yourself.
Mimiche
Thanks! Your words are very kind.
You are absolutely right, we are all wonderful people and deserve the best...so let's not settle until we get it, ok?! :) Good luck to you as well, and stay strong...things can only get better from here <3
Take care.