Trust issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Trust issues
5
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 1:34am
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and we've had a quite serious and intense relationship with much talk of the future together.

For a long time I've had problems trusting in a relationship, and this came up in conversation not too long ago. This has led to us breaking up. He took it as a personal insult, though i've tried to explain that it's not him, it's me. I do see why he's upset, but I don't know any better way to explain to him that he didn't do anything to make me feel this way. He doesn't want to be in a relationship where trust is an issue.

I love him so much, and don't want this to end. What am i supposed to do, and what CAN i do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: jill2055
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 7:29pm
(((Jill))) I'm so sorry you're going through this. Give your ex some time to cool off and then try to explain to him your feelings and how you want to trust but don't know how. Explain how you love him and you don't want to lose him and you'll do whatever it takes to get over the trust issues because you don't want to let it come between you....and then keep your promise. Even if he doesn't go for it I think it would do you good to find a way to deal with your trust issues so it doesn't wreck havoc on any of your other relationships. I sense you have insecurity issues and/or self esteem issues?? If that's the case work on improving those....do things that make you feel good about you (new haircut, exercise....whatever makes you feel good) and make look and see if their is a support group in your area.....and of course you can always come hear for advice and support. Good luck and keep us posted!!











Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
In reply to: jill2055
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 1:40am
Thanks for your input Heidi...I think I've said about all I can say to him. I know he definitely needs time to cool off. But now I'm feeling angry, that he is this easily willing to throw us away. Makes me question everything. I know everyone handles things differently, but it's just so confusing. Grrrr!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: jill2055
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 1:43pm
Jill,

I am in the same position as your boyfriend. My b/f has major trust issues; after being hurt so many times and being cheated on, left, lied to, etc, he has very much reason to be skeptical of who he trusts and I understand that. But I've also told him how important it is for him to at least try to. I've too, told him that if this is the way the relationship is going to go (him not trusting me), then I don't want to be a part of it much longer. Not because I'm willing just to throw it away, but because I need to feel that I can go for coffee with a girlfriend w/o him thinking I'm going to meet another man, or to spend an afternoon away from him, and come home w/o him feeling bitter and suspicious that I'm able to have a good time without his presence always there.



I have, several times reassured him that I'd never cheat, I don't want to be with anyone else etc. Thats what I have to do, and I'm fine with it. But if he'd just TRY to see it plainly for what it is, instead of jumping to conclusions about what else I "might" be doing, then things would go alot smoother. The harder you hold him close b/c of your trust issues, the more he's going to try to pull back.

I know it's uncomfortable, but loosen the leash a little and just have faith that he's not out to hurt you.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jill2055
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 2:09pm
A man who was right for you would take you as you are, with the issues you have, and deal with them. It sounds like he's not willing to do that, so he's not right for you. That is, of course, assuming that you are doing all you can to overcome your trust issues, including counseling if necessary.

I'm going through this issue with my SO...I was lied to in my last r'ship by someone I trusted, and it has really done a number on me. So I've explained to my SO that I need to not trust blindly this time around (this is something I discussed with my counselor). If I ask him about something (like who was the woman on the phone who just called him), it's not because I'm *accusing* him, but because I need clarification and reassurance. He started off reacting very defensively but I think he's starting to understand the difference between accusing and just asking questions. I'd like him to get to the point of volunteering the information so I don't even have to ask (which is what I do with him) but we're not quite there yet.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
In reply to: jill2055
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 1:40am
Darn, i sent an email. Ok, I waited for almost 3 days with no word from him, 3 days is a loooong time to be trying not to contact someone! :P I caved, and sent an email, basically asking if there was anything left to talk about (because it doesnt' seem so on his end). I had to say something, otherwise I may never have heard from him again! And frankly, for him to run off like this and avoid me, really pisses me off!

K, that's my venting for this evening, thanks for listening.