Trying Again - Am I Crazy????

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Trying Again - Am I Crazy????
20
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 9:09am
Ok - so here we go.....again!!!

I told my ex I would give it another shot... Not a full on relationship at first, but I told him I would not date anyone else and we could just go on dates with each other, maybe just a couple of times a week for a while and see how we do.

I figure since I can't seem to get over him and vice versa and now that we've had everything out in the open (discussion wise) that it couldn't hurt... I promised myself that I would work on my jealousy issues, he said he will introduce me to his dad in August and that he will give me all of his passwords and never do anything online again.

Sounds good, right? I might be dillusional. He is having dinner with a female friend of ours (more his than mine) Wednesday night. This is a girl who tried to sleep with him 3 years ago before we started going out and then has slept with many guys in our office. I am jealous already....

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:36am
Well, we're all dreamers, I guess, and probably all romantics. But sometimes you prefer the dream to cold hard reality, and that's when it becomes destructive. Creating a dream around this guy, believing he's your "one," and allowing that dream and belief to lead you to accept treatment you'd never otherwise accept, or to behave in ways that make you feel bad about yourself, that says that you prioritize the dream, the fantasy, the feelings, over reality (and over your self respect - you are worshipping at the altar of love even if that means sacrificing your pride and self-respect). That's part of the outlook of a passive commitment phobe. It is always chasing after a dream rather than an available guy who is, frankly, not as interesting or as challenging or as compelling as Mr. Hot and Cold.

But recognize that choosing to chase the dream, to pick the fantasy, that means you are choosing to continue with relationships that are not fulfilling and have very little chance of succeeding in the long run. And why would you do that? Set aside, for the moment, "feelings" as a consideration in your decision-making process. You, Malena, had 2 choices. A nice guy who doesn't necessarily rev your engine all the time, but treats you well and has potential (or maybe not the specific guy you dated, but the whole available pool of similar guys). Or your on again-off again, cheating, charismatic, rollercoaster ride of an ex. Which did you choose? If you heard a stranger describe the same situation, which would you tell her to choose? If you'd make a different decision for her, then it's only your fantasies and your feelings (and your fantasies about the significance of "feelings" as a way of steering your life) that could account for your decision. And if you are consciously choosing to run away from the possibility of a functional, happy relationship based on mutual respect, and toward a relationship based on jealousy, fear, anger, passion, longing, pain, and drama, then recognize you are making a *choice*, and your choice is not a commitment-based choice, it is, in fact, a choice that frustrates the possibility of a committed relationship. Read He's Scared, She's Scared and I bet you'd be surprised to find some of yourself in there. I was married for 5 years, and I was a terrible CP, always needing distance and space, completely incapable of imagining having a family with him, totally panicky and creating distance in a hundred different ways, including by fantasizing about "the one" or how love ought to be. You can be committed and yet afraid of commitment (you keep sabotaging it, or choosing to be committed to inappropriate or unavailable partners). It's all about whether you choose to chase dreams and feelings and fantasies rather than get down to the business of making mature choices based on boring reality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 7:26am
I should have posted the message "SHOULD I try again or WOULD I be crazy?" Atleast I would have received all of your great advice before hand.

The reunion did not go as planned..... or am I being a baby and expecting too much?? We got 'back together' Sunday night. He, the one who begged me, seemed 'hesitant' when I finally agreed but in the end was happy. The whole thing happened while we were sitting in my car, because Sunday night we went out with a group of friends so we had no alone time until then. I asked him to come over but he wanted to go home and do laundry. (Understandable for a Sun night).

Monday night he had dinner with a former colleague, but said he would come over after dinner. About 10:30pm, he called. He was at home? I said "Weren't you coming over?" "Well, I'm tired and I have some work to finish up..."

I just kept thinking - is this the SAME guy who begged me to come back? Who begged me just to let him sleep on my couch to be near me? I finally agree to try again after weeks of his calls and texts and tell him I believe that he will change and now this?

On any other night, being tired and having to get work done would be a pretty normal and acceptable excuse, but we just agreed to get back together! I will not be home tonight and he is having dinner with that girl Wed night. Then Thursday I leave to fly home for the long weekend, as does he so we really have no face to face time.

Maybe I am wrong, and tell me if my expectations are too high, but when people decide to get back together (and the man was begging and crying for you to take him back), wouldn't he want to be with me right now?? Wouldn't that be normal or am I romanticizing?

I just began to cry on the phone as he told me he wasn't coming over because I thought... here we go again. He just wanted me to want him, he didn't want me to move on, he was just playing me, and now that he has me again, nothing is going to be different. He got mad at me for crying, saying I was purposely trying to make him feel bad and guilt him for not coming over and that he was tired and just wanted me to leave him alone so he could go to sleep. I told him I was just upset and asked him to stay on the phone a little longer. He said "Any other guy would have hung up on you by now". So I did...

I called him this morning to apologize for crying (it was kind of humiliating) and he was just like "its ok" and rushed me off the phone. This is my other problem... Something upset me (usually him) and I call to apologize.

I have no one to blame but myself. And even now I wonder, am I reading more into this little event? Or is the cycle beginning again??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 10:16am
Sounds like he already has you sucked right back in. You're not asking for too much. We all deserve everything we want out of a relationship, and nothing less. Hold your head up high and just walk away. Is this the kind of relationship you want? Save yourself, and leave now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:23pm
Malena,

Are you angry? You should be. This all sounds so frickin familiar I want to scream. My ex has pulled that s**t so many times, doing whatever it takes to rope me back in and then backing the hell away the precise instant he knows he has me. It makes me so angry that yours went SO FAR to get you back in, with the pleading and begging and agreeing to counseling, now you must see how blatantly manipulative he was being, right? Just get out. Don't ever talk to him again. For real. He is a complete ass. He is not worth your grief. And don't ever apologize to him again either!! (I've done that too, when I have been in similarly "roped in" states of mind and just want to "make it better" but you have NO REASON to apologize for anything AT ALL). OK your post hit a nerve this morning, it is just too familiar like I said. I hope your complete jerk of an ex never has the satisfaction of hearing your voice again and winds up miserable and alone like he deserves. No amount of loneliness and wanting him can be worth putting up with a person like this, really. I'm telling myself the same thing too, because even though I'm so disgusted and angry at my ex there's an sick twisted part of me that still thinks about him all the time. I'm sure we'll look back at all this when we're finally through it and wonder what the hell was going through our minds when we were still caught up in it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 5:06pm
I hate to say I told you so. But, anyway, it's CP and you know it, that driving need to have you and immediate ambivalence once he gets you. Get off the rollercoaster, now.

One thing I will say - sometimes you have to recognize the inappropriateness of your own response to see how inappropriate his behavior was. Like, you have to sort of back into realizing that he is acting like a jerk, by recognizing that you feel stupid for how you responded. Apologizing to him because he made you cry, that's a clue that he's behaving like a jerk, just typing it out made you see it, right? If it makes you feel better, here's a toss-up between my two lowest moments with my ex - (1) me bargaining with him to get him to go to the hospital with me when I had surgery for cancer (I won't tell the doc you're with me so she won't come to describe the procedure to you, you can come late, you can just meet me outside the hospital, it will just take a couple of hours, "please, I'm scared") or (2) me apologizing to him for making him abandon me when I had cancer (actually, it wasn't very rational, so I'm not sure I can actually explain how that convo went, something like "it was all my fault" and if I'd been a better girlfriend he'd have loved me enough to be there for me). That's just so sad, I really hit rock bottom before I realized I had to get out. And I had to hear myself saying those things before I really was struck by how wrong the situation was, by how unacceptable his behavior was that prompted that kind of ridiculous response from me. I'm sorry you had to go there, too. At least typing it out made you see that he's still horrible him, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 7:11pm
Sometimes we create our own hell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 3:13pm
I hope you all take this as a lesson from me!

So I took him back (just like so many of you say you wish you could) and we spent last night together and went biking together today. He logged on to his email and left it up, so I checked it while he was in the shower... He did cancel his dinner with that girl BUT he told her it was because he was too tired.

He also told her that he and I were on shakey ground and we were 'trying' to work things out but that he didn't think we would end up together. Then he asked if she could get together this weekend instead. She was busy but said she really missed him and wanted to see him soon, so could they hang out next week.

Well, there's my answer. It was all crap. He only wanted to make sure I would take him back. Please, take this as a lesson.

If you are on the road to recovery.... DO NOT let anyone pull you off. Stay on it. Keep recovering. You will get there and you WILL be okay and better off than you ever could have been taking back a heartless, soulless, selfish person like your ex.

Good luck!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 8:18pm
Oh my gosh, I'm sorry, but I wish I could say I was surprised, and I'm not.

So what did you do, did you tell him to take a hike? What was his reaction? What's your game plan when he comes back around?

And have you read HSSS yet??? You need to!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 9:49pm
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry that happened!! I know that has to hurt. Call me crazy but it almost seems like he wanted you to see those e-mails....why else would he leave it up? Whether it was to check to see if you would check them or because he doesn't value the relationship...I'm not sure. Regardless I hope you 're ok and you know we're here for you. I wish you the best.













Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 9:29am
Well, knowing him the way that I do - he always has "one foot out the door", like any good CP. When I agreed to try again, I know he didn't believe it or trust it, and by telling her (and probably others) that he didn't think we would end up together, he was covering his own butt in the event that I did say "I don't think this is going to work out."

Even if that is true, it is no excuse. This has been the theme of our relationship for far too long: no trust + no faith = no future. I have seen him numerous times downplay our relationship to others (whether I was spying or just noticing how he regards us to other people). And whether or not he intentionally left his email up, there was no way I was not going to read it. Plus, I asked if I could read the messages sent through his online profile since he said I could trust him now and he gave me a resounding "NO", although he did tell me when he was begging me to come back that I could read anything.

He went out bar hopping with his friends again last night (same group from work that he is attached to at the hip), he does this every weekend. I guess its normal when you are 26, but he acts like he can't wait to do it. He rushed me off to the airport but fussed for about 30 minutes on "Do you think I look okay? Do you like this outfit?" And in the end, he went home after the airport, changed his clothes, and then went out. Why was he so concerned??

North, I will pick up "He's Scared, She's Scared" this weekend.

And no, I didn't confront him on the email. Partly because I knew why he said it, and also because he would blame this on me. I am actually home with my family for the weekend, 4 states away, so I'm hoping this distance and with the support of my family, I will be able to move on.

What scares me is that I have proven to myself (and I think to a lot of people) that I'm either weak or stupid, but clearly incapable of moving on. I called my sister yesterday and mentioned his name and she was like "You are NOT back together with him, are you?" I told her the truth and she told me not to talk to her about it and not to come crying to her when things go wrong, because she knows they will. It's pretty sad when even your sibling doesn't want to hear anymore from you. That's when you know you've worn people out.

You get hurt, you look for support, they give you support and advice, and you throw it back in their face by going back to the source of your pain. And in the end... the people who love you think you are a crazy idiot. I find that fascinating. I have come to the conclusion that the only thing left for me to do is to seek professional help. Obviously nothing else is working....

Pages