Trying to Cope, Trying to move on...
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|Tue, 01-29-2013 - 3:30am|
I am lost and confused over mine and my boyfriends recent breakup. We were together for a year and a half. He packed his things and moved out while I was at work on Sunday. I had no idea until my sister called me and told me that he was "taking some things to the Salvation Army"... When I called him and asked what was up, he told me the same thing. I then asked for him not to lie and he finally admitted that he was moving out. This was all too sudden, I have been down lately but we haven't been arguing that much. We had a little argument earlier in the day over the same thing we argue over all the time; his ex. He has always been way too close to her. They would talk about everything and anything, mostly stuff that didn't have anything to do with their kids. She even told him that he needed to get fixed, and she would send him texts talking about their past together. I guess this argument was the last for him. He is a very passive person, and I am more passive-aggressive. He doesn't talk about his feelings and he hates confrontation.. I on the other hand need to talk about something as it's bothering me and it takes me a little longer to drop an issue. We've had our issues in the past and there was some things that I needed to get over and work on. I am very hard on myself and have some insecurities but I am motivated in life. I know what I want my future to look like. He is very unmotivated, and doesn't try to promise a nice future for us- ie marriage, a house, a better job for himself and is completely content working as a security officer. I was a little bitter that he didn't see us getting married anytime within the next 3 years. (it took him 1 year for his ex, and then to rub salt on the wound he said "you just know when it's time. He wants to have a good job and us have a house first but yet he's not working on getting a better job) and bitter that he didn't want to make life goals with me or for himself. When I asked him why he was leaving me he said it was because I didn't like his kids (I never said that, I said I didn't like his ex).. His kids come over so little when I am not working. He has them on days that I work swing so I am unable to see them. So the entire time that we have been together I have seen them maybe 10 times. I have not bonded with them yet because of how little I see them, it took them 5 visits for them to actually say hi. I was completely devastated that he would just move out like that, out of no where. I always ask him if he was happy, and his reply was "Yes, i'll tell you when I am unhappy and want to move out"....... So to find out later that a reason that he left is because he has been unhappy for about 3 months! He never told me once, even when I asked him. He said I should have know, but again he is a very passive person who doesn't talk about his feelings EVER. How was I supposed to know if he hid it? He also said that it's hard to love someone who doesn't love themselves. Yes, it goes back to my insecurities..... I pushed him away, slowly. It saddens me that I caused this. We where so good together too, we laughed and could be our selves around each other. He showed me how to love.
What I am confused about is that I know I settled when I got with him because I thought I couldn't do better. I settled with someone who's afriad of commitment. Some one who doesn't express emotions. and someone that is ok with having pennies in his account until payday. But I still fell in love with him...
I don't know if I am afraid to be alone, that's why I ignored the red flags, why I still continue to ignore the red flags. He has let me down a few times where I felt completely abandoned. I still want to be with him and It hurts. We talked today and I told him that I am ok, I am ok with this break up because it will allow me to focus on myself and my life with my kids. I am ok with it, it just still hurts. We agree to be friends. I asked him to hold me for a while so I could feel close to him one last time. He did. We then even made plans to hang out one night and him fix my car another night. we even talked about still taking our Vegas vacation in February. Why am I trying to keep him in my life... Is this prolonging our break up. It's hard to not see him because we work at the same company. I will see him 4 days a week during shift change.
Although our breakup is killing me, I know it's for the best. I need to spend a while being single, I need to focus my energy on my children, finish school -almost there, and find out who I am in the process so I can learn how to make myself happy.
Sorry for the long rant.... I needed to vent and find answers that I can't figure out myself.