Trying to Cope, Trying to move on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Trying to Cope, Trying to move on...
4
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 3:30am

Hello, 

I am lost and confused over mine and my boyfriends recent breakup. We were together for a year and a half. He packed his things and moved out while I was at work on Sunday. I had no idea until my sister called me and told me that he was "taking some things to the Salvation Army"... When I called him and asked what was up, he told me the same thing. I then asked for him not to lie and he finally admitted that he was moving out. This was all too sudden, I have been down lately but we haven't been arguing that much. We had a little argument earlier in the day over the same thing we argue over all the time; his ex. He has always been way too close to her. They would talk about everything and anything, mostly stuff that didn't have anything to do with their kids. She even told him that he needed to get fixed, and she would send him texts talking about their past together. I guess this argument was the last for him. He is a very passive person, and I am more passive-aggressive. He doesn't talk about his feelings and he hates confrontation.. I on the other hand need to talk about something as it's bothering me and it takes me a little longer to drop an issue.  We've had our issues in the past and there was some things that I needed to get over and work on. I am very hard on myself and have some insecurities but I am motivated in life. I know what I want my future to look like. He is very unmotivated, and doesn't try to promise a nice future for us- ie marriage, a house, a better job for himself and is completely content working as a security officer. I was a little bitter that he didn't see us getting married anytime within the next 3 years. (it took him 1 year for his ex, and then to rub salt on the wound he said "you just know when it's time. He wants to have a good job and us have a house first but yet he's  not working on getting a better job) and bitter that he didn't want to make life goals with me or for himself. When I asked him why he was leaving me he said it was because I didn't like his kids (I never said that, I said I didn't like his ex).. His kids come over so little when I am not working. He has them on days that I work swing so I am unable to see them. So the entire time that we have been together I have seen them maybe 10 times. I have not bonded with them yet because of how little I see them, it took them 5 visits for them to actually say hi. I was completely devastated that he would just move out like that, out of no where. I always ask him if he was happy, and his reply was "Yes, i'll tell you when I am unhappy and want to move out"....... So to find out later that a reason that he left is because he has been unhappy for about 3 months! He never told me once, even when I asked him. He said I should have know, but again he is a very passive person who doesn't talk about his feelings EVER. How was I supposed to know if he hid it? He also said that it's hard to love someone who doesn't love themselves. Yes, it goes back to my insecurities..... I pushed him away, slowly. It saddens me that I caused this. We where so good together too, we laughed and could be our selves around each other. He showed me how to love. 

What I am confused about is that I know I settled when I got with him because I thought I couldn't do better. I settled with someone who's afriad of commitment. Some one who doesn't express emotions. and someone that is ok with having pennies in his account until payday. But I still fell in love with him... 

I don't know if I am afraid to be alone, that's why I ignored the red flags, why I still continue to ignore the red flags. He has let me down a few times where I felt completely abandoned. I still want to be with him and It hurts. We talked today and I told him that I am ok, I am ok with this break up because it will allow me to focus on myself and my life with my kids. I am ok with it, it just  still hurts. We agree to be friends. I asked him to hold me for a while so I could feel close to him one last time. He did.  We then even made plans to hang out one night and him fix my car another night. we even talked about still taking our Vegas vacation in February. Why am I trying to keep him in my life... Is this prolonging our break up. It's hard to not see him because we work at the same company. I will see him 4 days a week during shift change. 

Although our breakup is killing me, I know it's for the best. I need to spend a while being single, I need to focus my energy on my children, finish school -almost there, and find out who I am in the process so I can learn how to make myself happy. 

Sorry for the long rant.... I needed to vent and find answers that I can't figure out myself. 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 7:21am

uluvwhittles wrote:
<p>Hello, </p><p style="color:#000000; font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:medium"><span style="color:#111111; font-family:Arial, Helvetica, Helvetica, Geneva, sans-serif"><span><span><span><span><span style="font-size:14px">I am lost and confused over mine and my boyfriends recent breakup. We were together for a year and a half. He packed his things and moved out while I was at work on Sunday. I had no idea until my sister called me and told me that he was "taking some things to the Salvation Army"... When I called him and asked what was up, he told me the same thing. I then asked for him not to lie and he finally admitted that he was moving out. This was all too sudden, I have been down lately but we haven't been arguing that much. We had a little argument earlier in the day over the same thing we argue over all the time; his ex. He has always been way too close to her. They would talk about everything and anything, mostly stuff that didn't have anything to do with their kids. She even told him that he needed to get fixed, and she would send him texts talking about their past together. I guess this argument was the last for him. He is a very passive person, and I am more passive-aggressive. He doesn't talk about his feelings and he hates confrontation.. I on the other hand need to talk about something as it's bothering me and it takes me a little longer to drop an issue.  We've had our issues in the past and there was some things that I needed to get over and work on. I am very hard on myself and have some insecurities but I am motivated in life. I know what I want my future to look like. He is very unmotivated, and doesn't try to promise a nice future for us- ie marriage, a house, a better job for himself and is completely content working as a security officer. I was a little bitter that he didn't see us getting married anytime within the next 3 years. (it took him 1 year for his ex, and then to rub salt on the wound he said "you just know when it's time. He wants to have a good job and us have a house first but yet he's  not working on getting a better job) and bitter that he didn't want to make life goals with me or for himself. When I asked him why he was leaving me he said it was because I didn't like his kids (I never said that, I said I didn't like his ex).. His kids come over so little when I am not working. He has them on days that I work swing so I am unable to see them. So the entire time that we have been together I have seen them maybe 10 times. I have not bonded with them yet because of how little I see them, it took them 5 visits for them to actually say hi. I was completely devastated that he would just move out like that, out of no where. I always ask him if he was happy, and his reply was "Yes, i'll tell you when I am unhappy and want to move out"....... So to find out later that a reason that he left is because he has been unhappy for about 3 months! He never told me once, even when I asked him. He said I should have know, but again he is a very passive person who doesn't talk about his feelings EVER. How was I supposed to know if he hid it? He also said that it's hard to love someone who doesn't love themselves. Yes, it goes back to my insecurities..... I pushed him away, slowly. It saddens me that I caused this. We where so good together too, we laughed and could be our selves around each other. He showed me how to love. </span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p>What I am confused about is that I know I settled when I got with him because I thought I couldn't do better. I settled with someone who's afriad of commitment. Some one who doesn't express emotions. and someone that is ok with having pennies in his account until payday. But I still fell in love with him... </p><p style="color:#000000; font-family:'Times New Roman'; font-size:medium"><span style="color:#111111; font-family:Arial, Helvetica, Helvetica, Geneva, sans-serif"><span><span><span style="font-size:14px">I don't know if I am afraid to be alone, that's why I ignored the red flags, why I still continue to ignore the red flags. He has let me down a few times where I felt completely abandoned. I still want to be with him and It hurts. We talked today and I told him that I am ok, I am ok with this break up because it will allow me to focus on myself and my life with my kids. I am ok with it, it just  still hurts. We agree to be friends. I asked him to hold me for a while so I could feel close to him one last time. He did.  We then even made plans to hang out one night and him fix my car another night. we even talked about still taking our Vegas vacation in February. Why am I trying to keep him in my life... Is this prolonging our break up. It's hard to not see him because we work at the same company. I will see him 4 days a week during shift change. </span></span></span></span></p><p>Although our breakup is killing me, I know it's for the best. I need to spend a while being single, I need to focus my energy on my children, finish school -almost there, and find out who I am in the process so I can learn how to make myself happy. </p><p>Sorry for the long rant.... I needed to vent and find answers that I can't figure out myself. </p>

Why do you want to get back with someone you admittedly say you settled for?  Do you not believe you deserve better?

Why do you choose to ignore the red flags you're already aware of?

Yes, I think you're trying to prolong the inevitable.  Your ex has never severed his emotional ties to his ex; therefore your relationship never had a chance.

You are going to find yourself back in this same spot in March after you take this vacation with him--because he is not done with his previous ex. The fact that he has never stopped communicating with her is what is prolonging him being over her--and he's of no mind to end communicating with her, despite you.  That much has been made plain in the entire time you've been together and have kept on arguing about her.

The answer is to figure out why you don't love yourself enough to do better by yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 8:27am

Why do you want to get back with someone you admittedly say you settled for?  Do you not believe you deserve better?

I say I feel I settled because I fell in love with the first person that showed any interest in me after my split with my previous ex (8 years together)... I don't feel I deserve better because my ex before him made me feel like the lowest person in the world. I also felt that I wouldn't find anyone  who would find me a catch because I was a young single mom and I myself didn't have the greatest job.

Why do you choose to ignore the red flags you're already aware of?

I am hanging onto hope that maybe things will change.

Yes, I think you're trying to prolong the inevitable.  Your ex has never severed his emotional ties to his ex; therefore your relationship never had a chance.

I held onto hurt from being left by someone for their ex before. So I looked at all exes as a threat. He did stop for the most part about texting his ex, there was just occasional times that she'd text him about dumb things. I blame myself for allowing my past experiences affect how I viewed his relationship with her. I guess I felt that if he didn't hate her then it would be easier for them to get back together. Again my fault....

You are going to find yourself back in this same spot in March after you take this vacation with him--because he is not done with his previous ex. The fact that he has never stopped communicating with her is what is prolonging him being over her--and he's of no mind to end communicating with her, despite you.  That much has been made plain in the entire time you've been together and have kept on arguing about her.

The answer is to figure out why you don't love yourself enough to do better by yourself.

Yes, both him and I talked about this. That's why I think this break up is for the best. I left a controlling relationship after 8 years and landed right into this one. I was with my first ex since I was 17. I never got it find out who I was without someone telling me who I should be and how I should think and act. I know I need to find myself and love myself. I am just afraid to take that leap by myself. I still care very much for my current ex. I still have hope that one day he will get his shit together and I will too. I never knew until now how much I need to really sit and work on myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 2:23pm

You aren't going to be able to be in a good relationship until you address your own problems like low self esteem.  then you won't feel that you have to settle for whoever comes along so that you won't be alone--and really, what is so frightening about being single anyway?  I prefer to call it being single instead of alone because you can have family & friends so you're really not all alone in the world.  I'd like to have a BF, but being single definitely isn't as bad as being in a horrible relationship.

 You also have to realize that if you are involved with a divorced guy who has kids and he has a healthy relationship w/ his ex, then there should be some kind of communication w/ her because they both should be involved in raising their kids.  My 2nd DH was insecure about my good relationship w/ my ex (who was already remarried and there was no chance of us ever getting back together) so I asked him "Do you think it would be better for our kids or for me if we fought all the time?  How would that be good?"  We had to talk more in those days cause the kids were young and we had to arrange visitation and stuff like that--now that our youngest one is 17 we don't talk that much any more, but we are still pleasant toward each other.  So what if we occasionally talk about something that's not related to the kids?  We were together 15 yrs.  It doesn't mean that we want to get remarried just because we are friendly.  I would actually avoid someone who hated their ex, unless the ex was a really horrible person--I think it shows bad character not to be able to move on.  

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 01-29-2013 - 11:15pm

 Now that you are free outline a plan to better yourself. Money,health ambition,ruthlessness. It is all your choice.  Your dream of achievement.  Settling is a misery all it's own.  Wheather a relationship or career it is misery to be who are not.

dragowoman