Trying to deal...how to start NC?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Trying to deal...how to start NC?
8
Thu, 01-31-2008 - 4:00pm
Hi - I've been reading the posts here and they've helped me tremendously. Now I need to share my situation in the hopes of getting the same level-headed advice I've seen in other posts. Goodness knows I need it, because I do not feel level headed right now.

OK, this is a LONG story (saga more like is), so I'll try to touch on the important parts. I'll apologize ahead of time for the length...please bear with me...

My ex and I had been together on and off for a total of almost 4 years. We dated for 1.5yrs, then decided to move in together. We lived together for a 1.5 yrs, and it seemed as soon as I moved in things started to go downhill. Looking back, we both contributed to it. I sold my house to move into his, and I had a very hard time giving up that level of independence. As well he had a hard time giving up his space to me and my 2 pets. It was always a struggle to compromise on things, and usually up being one person giving up but feeling that they weren't heard. We also had conflicts with money, work around the house...you name it. The basis
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2008
Thu, 01-31-2008 - 6:24pm

I'm not sure how much help I can offer since I am still trying to get use to the NC myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Fri, 02-01-2008 - 5:36pm

"For almost 4 years we have greeted each other every morning at work over email. Its a ritual I've looked forward to and even something small like that is hard to let go of. I'm scared to death that he'll forget about me after NC but I know I need to do it and for my sanity and preservation its a risk I have to take. I know I have alot of grieving and healing to do...I'd like to think down the road that we can be in each others lives one way or another, but I have to get over all the hurts of the past and get over the volatile relationship we had before any other relationship between us can be established."

I'm in the same boat as you too. I just started no contact 6 days ago and I feel horrible, but from what people tell me, it does get easier. It's hard to see the light right now though. I guess just send him an email ... like you said, and explain that you need to do it for your mental health. When things were troubled with my guy, I lost ten pounds (which on a 95 pound frame is pretty detrimental to my physical health!). I've already gained three back and have been eating like a pig ever since (a good thing for me since I don't eat very much ... EVER). So just tell him you need it to recover. If he's decent, he'll respect that decision. As far as whether or not you will be friends, it's a risk you just have to take. It's the same risk I am taking right now. Earlier on, it was my ex afraid that I would never want to speak to him again. Now I am afraid he will never speak to me again.

When seeing him, I guess just be as polite but cool as possible. That's all you can do. Luckilly mine doesn't run in the same social circles so I'd never have to see him again if I didn't want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 10:58pm

Welcome to the board urthgurl,


You do not have to explain your decision of No Contact to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2007
Sun, 02-03-2008 - 6:48am

I totally agree with iwinflame! That guy is a FROG!!!

It's really hard but he has acted horribly and doesn't deserve you. Going NC is like breaking a habit. Tough in the beginning but it gets easier.

I posted a few links on here that I actually FOUND on ivillage a year ago when I was trying to get out of a relationship. VERY VERY helpful to me. Some helpful posts on no contact

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/06/26/the-post-breakup-no-no-list/

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/09/02/more-on-the-urge-to-connect-with-the-ex/

http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/07/03/73-thought-for-the-day-more-on-no-contact/

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Mon, 02-04-2008 - 10:49am
Thank you so much everyone for your support and advice. Goodness knows I need it! The night I wrote this, we talked that night. It was a good conversation, we both talked about how we were feeling, but in a calm and respectful manner, without arguing or the need to be defensive. I chickened out of telling him I wanted NC though. Kicked myself immediately afterward, but then thought that I don't need to announce my feelings or actions to him. If my decision is not to contact then I won't. And I haven't...it's been 3 days and I am feeling pretty good about it. I know I have a long way to go, but I'm trying to take it one minute, hour, day, etc. at a time.
In my effort to avoid contact and understand my feelings and heal, I've been relying alot on books and online resources. This board has been a huge help (as has the blog you provided links to - thanks charleenjj). The resources/articles that have been posted are giving me a sense of direction, and from reading about the experiences from others I know I'm not alone and am able to see things from a new perspective. I know I will have my slip-ups, but nobody's perfect, right?
I know I will see him this week at our game. It will be difficult, but the rest of the team and the game itself will serve as a distraction for me. We are both competitive players so I think I will be able to focus just on playing and nothing other then cordial conversation will be necessary.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 3:58pm

Just thought I'd give you an update...

Since my last post on this thread, my ex and I have chatted back and forth on the rare occasion. He's initiated it usually, and it's been pretty cordial. Last week he asked me to lunch, which I agreed to. I was feeling strong that day and figured I could handle a friendly lunch, plus I thought it would be nice to see him. It was the first time we were together alone (without friends/teammates) since breaking it off. The lunch was nice, we talked about what was going on with us, the Superbowl, etc. Nothing deep or personal. But I found myself wondering what his motives were for meeting, whether he wanted to try to work things out, etc. He didn't say, but I started to generate false hope. I realized that when I was on the computer I found myself always checking to see when he was on MSN, and if he was wondering if he wanted to talk to me. I'd take it personally if he'd go to Away if he was online when I signed on, like he was avoiding me. I knew at that point that I was still concentrating too much on him. My focus was always on his actions and I took everything he said and did personally. He had the control. So tried avoiding him myself over the last few days, until he managed to catch me online and initiated a chat. He knew I was being guarded, and our chat tuned into a phone conversation, where I explained why: because a part of me still saw us as a couple and I can't act like everything is ok and be friends while I'm still feeling that way. I need to get over the relationship we had. We both still want to be together, but there is just so much damage right now that it's just too hard. For myself, if there is ever the possibility that we want to try things again, we need to do so with alot of this damage behind us. Of course, I don't think there could ever be a clean slate, but time to process the damage that has been done, and to have less emotion surrounding that damage (if that makes sense at all).

I told him that I need for us to have no contact for a little while. He was upset at first, but after talking about it I think he understands. In addition to dealing with our past relationship, we both have our own growth that we want to undertake - he says he has made changes, and while I can see some, it is difficult to see everything because I'm still stuck in the past that I don't see it right now. And the same thing for his ability to see my growth. We are too blinded by all the pain and bad memories of the past that we can't see each other for the people we now are or are evolving into. I'm hoping that NC will take the blinders off.

We will still see each other once a week, because we play on a team together. But there is enough going on during the games that we do not have to be in a one on one situation together. Some of the team will go to a local bar after, but for the first little while maybe I won't go. I'll see how I feel from week to week.

In the meantime I plan to do a lot of work in order to deal with the breakup and all the hurt and pain from before. Tons of books, exercises, journaling, you name it. I also see this as an opportunity for me to continue my growth as well as to heal.

I want to understand if I'm approaching this in the right way. Is it unrealistic to have a timeline in mind for NC? I mean if I had it in my head to try NC for a month, is that reasonable? The thing is that at this point in time I want to be able to come out of this without the anger and pain about what has happened. I want to lose that identity of us as a couple so that we can attempt a friendship or possibly grow into something more, but from a healthier foundation. I can imagine that through the process of NC those ideas may change for me, but are they realistic to have in the first place, or am I still trying to hold on? While we talked last night, we both said that we would like to be together and happy and working on things, but that right now it's too soon because we haven't dealt with the past yet. Is it possible to use NC as a way to sort things out so that we can look at the idea of working on being together from a new perspective? and is a month allowing enough time to let go of that anger and pain? I'm sure the process varies for everyone, but I guess I'm wondering if there is a realistic estimate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 4:16pm

30 - 60 days of No Contact is a good place to start.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 4:42pm

Thanks, Carrie.

It isn't the only reason why I want NC...I need to let go of that pain and anger for myself, and focus on me again. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking of that as a possible outcome. After I sent the last post, I thought about it more, and I know that the only thing I have control over is me. I need to try to be practical that things may not turn out that way. My head knows (well most of the time)...it's allowing my feelings to catch up that's the work.

Maybe it's better to assume that we will never talk again? Wow...just imagining that now has brought tears to my eyes...