trying to decide the next step
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 12-10-2004 - 3:35pm |
I'm trying to decide my next step. And could use some advice.
Let me give you some backgound:
I have been seeing a man for the last eight months. He is the first man to pursue me in awhile. He came on very strong at the beginning and really seemed to know me and care about me. But during our time together, I noticed some odd behavior. I think he has ADHD, but he has not been diagnosed. If this is true, this would explain alot of his mistreatment towards me. He has been rather impulsive lately and easily distracted by women. There are times when we are together, he is so attententive than become distracted as if I'm not with him. He has honestly told me that he is an emotional wreck and to have patience with him while he gets his act together. He's recently divorce and his sister committed suicide.
His words and his actions don't match and this confuses me. In fact it has been tearing at my self esteem. I'm having a hard time believing him and I don't trust my own instincts. I've been burned before.
I was vunerable with him and in the beginning he was a refuge to me. I was under a lot of stress at work. I also recently lost my father. The guy was somewhat supportive after my father's death, but he's been distant of late.
He went on a cruise and came back telling me how much he missed me. Than the following day he said he wanted to see other women. He has honestly told me that I am one of five.
I chalked it up to a midlife crisis.
Since than we have gotten together a couple of times, he tells me that he loves me and that I'm special to him. But then he does someting impulsive while were are out.
I've given him several chances to make things up to me. But now I am doing the pursuing. He keeps telling me someday --that I am a breath of fresh air and I know him better than most. (God! I what to believe that, but deep down I know I shouldn't.)
It is hard for me to do the no contact rule. My friends think I am being self destructive.
I think I should move on and open myself up to other potentials. But something holds me to him. That I should help him seek out help for his condition. If not as his lover and girlfriend , but a friend.
What do you all think?

Let him go and do it quickly.
Leave him now. You will regret it later.
You will be the one with health issues and he will be free from his problems soon.
this is the rule so be smart about it and dump him. You can be afriend but start seeing other men now!
good luck
Hi siamgirl_66,
I've found in the past that deciding to take the next step is actually much more difficult than doing it. But, once you decide and commit to that decision, the doing is so much easier. The key is stop thinking about him and fixing him, and starting focusing on yourself and your needs.
First of all, he says he loves you but is seeing five women. This isn't love. I'm afraid he's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear. I mean, how do you "love" someone but keep on seeing other people?
Secondly, and this can be hard to accept, but he is the ONLY one who can help himself. You can't make him seek help. You can be supportive of it, of course, but seeking help has to be his decision.
I hope this helps!
Thanks for all of your comments.
I know I'n not emotionally well due to the the grief of my father and the "lost" of this relationship. I am in therapy.
I had issues with codependecy with my parents --I was a caretaker for my ill father and a controlling mother. My parents came before anyone else and limited me from dating. I just got a late start on life. I have been through counseling for this too.
I defined this as my first adult relationship because I am able to tell someone what I need and deserve instead of waiting for those needs to be met. I was able to see that I wanted to be an enable and to step away from that role.
I have decided to move on without him and to continue with my therapy.
I just finish a long letter to let him know how he affected me and said good bye.