trying to decide the next step

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
trying to decide the next step
5
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 3:35pm

I'm trying to decide my next step. And could use some advice.

Let me give you some backgound:

I have been seeing a man for the last eight months. He is the first man to pursue me in awhile. He came on very strong at the beginning and really seemed to know me and care about me. But during our time together, I noticed some odd behavior. I think he has ADHD, but he has not been diagnosed. If this is true, this would explain alot of his mistreatment towards me. He has been rather impulsive lately and easily distracted by women. There are times when we are together, he is so attententive than become distracted as if I'm not with him. He has honestly told me that he is an emotional wreck and to have patience with him while he gets his act together. He's recently divorce and his sister committed suicide.

His words and his actions don't match and this confuses me. In fact it has been tearing at my self esteem. I'm having a hard time believing him and I don't trust my own instincts. I've been burned before.

I was vunerable with him and in the beginning he was a refuge to me. I was under a lot of stress at work. I also recently lost my father. The guy was somewhat supportive after my father's death, but he's been distant of late.

He went on a cruise and came back telling me how much he missed me. Than the following day he said he wanted to see other women. He has honestly told me that I am one of five.
I chalked it up to a midlife crisis.

Since than we have gotten together a couple of times, he tells me that he loves me and that I'm special to him. But then he does someting impulsive while were are out.

I've given him several chances to make things up to me. But now I am doing the pursuing. He keeps telling me someday --that I am a breath of fresh air and I know him better than most. (God! I what to believe that, but deep down I know I shouldn't.)

It is hard for me to do the no contact rule. My friends think I am being self destructive.

I think I should move on and open myself up to other potentials. But something holds me to him. That I should help him seek out help for his condition. If not as his lover and girlfriend , but a friend.

What do you all think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 8:59pm
Your next step should be "empower yourself, break it up and free yourself." I think you are addicted to him even though you deep down know that he won't change, this man is NOT for you. You give him power over your life, thoughts and actions. You're even making excuses for his rude actions and comments just to justify why you stay with him and to say that "something hold me back from leaving him"; you say he might have ADHD...that illlness doesn't include erractic behavior or rudeness. His behavior is nothing more than the actions of a man who knows what he wants. He wants to have all 5 women he sees available to him when he wants them. He wants to be free to date and not commit to anyone. Have you ever thought that he should say the same to all of you..."you know me better than most". If his actions and words don't match then you know that this man if full of it, yet you keep hoping he changes. He asks you back and you go back for some more of the same. That's called addicton and that addiction will destroy you in time. He IS happy and Dandy while you are sad and miserable. How long will you put up with this?
Avatar for alsatia23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 11:59pm

Let him go and do it quickly.







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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 12:35am

Leave him now. You will regret it later.
You will be the one with health issues and he will be free from his problems soon.
this is the rule so be smart about it and dump him. You can be afriend but start seeing other men now!

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 1:23pm

Hi siamgirl_66,
I've found in the past that deciding to take the next step is actually much more difficult than doing it. But, once you decide and commit to that decision, the doing is so much easier. The key is stop thinking about him and fixing him, and starting focusing on yourself and your needs.

First of all, he says he loves you but is seeing five women. This isn't love. I'm afraid he's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear. I mean, how do you "love" someone but keep on seeing other people?

Secondly, and this can be hard to accept, but he is the ONLY one who can help himself. You can't make him seek help. You can be supportive of it, of course, but seeking help has to be his decision.

I hope this helps!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 9:42am

Thanks for all of your comments.

I know I'n not emotionally well due to the the grief of my father and the "lost" of this relationship. I am in therapy.

I had issues with codependecy with my parents --I was a caretaker for my ill father and a controlling mother. My parents came before anyone else and limited me from dating. I just got a late start on life. I have been through counseling for this too.

I defined this as my first adult relationship because I am able to tell someone what I need and deserve instead of waiting for those needs to be met. I was able to see that I wanted to be an enable and to step away from that role.

I have decided to move on without him and to continue with my therapy.

I just finish a long letter to let him know how he affected me and said good bye.