Trying to do the right thing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Trying to do the right thing...
5
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 11:28am
Hi all. I have recently (a few days ago) split with my boyfriend of 4 and a half years(we are both now 23). We have known eachother since i can remember but didnt start dating until the college years. The thing is that we were doing fine (at least I thought so) and then I went away to Europe with my family for two weeks (he couldnt come b/c of work). While I was there we had one fight because he wouldnt call me for two or three days when I bought him the damm phone card (it was much cheaper for him to call me). I began to feel that something was wrong. We stuck out the rest of the vacation and I came home to absolute hell. He told me he doesnt feel happy anymore and he doesnt know why. He swears it has nothing to do with anyone else and while I thought it did at first (naturally), I have been able to pretty much rule that out. He says he still loves me and that hasnt changed. Well for about a week I tried to be understanding and give him "space" but it became too much of an emotional hell to deal with. After not hearing from him in 5 days I decided to make a surprise appearance at his house and confront him. I told him that if he feels unhappy IN this relationship then in order to figure out whats going on with him he needs to be OUT of this relationship. I am trying to do the right thing to make him happy and eventually me happy but this is not what I want at all. When I told him I couldnt do this anymore he broke down and we both cried for like an hour. I have never seen him really cry before so I was taken back by it. He kept saying that this wasnt supposed to happen and he just wants things to be normal again. But in the end we both agree that things wont be normal until he figures out what is making him unhappy. He swears it is not me personally because I havent changed but something that has changed within him and he cant put his finger on it...yet. After we cried we just layed there and held eachother for a while and it felt good and right to both of us (we talked about it the next day). I just dont understand how we can have a moment like that if he is "unhappy". I am still so confused and want more than anything to just be back together. We are two of the most compatible people you will ever see. I mean sometimes the coincidences are freakishly scary. For now we are cooling things off and taking a break but I have still talked to him and he asks at the end of the conversation if he can say "i love you". i tell him only if he means it. i feel like we both want to be together but something is in the way. Does anyone have any insight on what could cause someone to be unhappy in a relationship where they still love the person and want to be with them (at least thats what he tells me) ????? Has anyone been through something similar? Thanks for listening (or reading i guess lol).
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 1:44pm
What has been going on in his life? His unhappiness could be so many things.

Two broad categories:

Personal struggle

Outside influences

Separated into more specifics:

Stress

Depression (because you were gone)

Lack of feeling that life is going where he wants it to

His job

His friends

Lack of direction in life "I don't know what I want"

I have an inkling that it just might be the depression because you were gone. Often people who are depressed push others away even though the love them so that they don't "drag them down with them" or "hurt them." Talk about this with him and about how he felt while you were gone. Did he think that you were cheating on him? Did he miss you? Was he afraid that when you came back you wouldn't feel the same about him? Did he start to think that he didn't need you? Did he enjoy his time away from you? Does he feel guilty about it?

If he truly is convinced that "this wasn't supposed to happen" maybe he should consider counseling, actually I think it would be a good idea anyway to help him figure things out and not lose someone he really does care about. Has his behavior changed? Has he started using drugs, alcohol or anything as an "escape?" It's just something to keep in mind. But first and foremost, talk to him and if he doesn't want to talk to you then get him to go to a counselor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 2:35pm
Thanks for your reply and your thoughts. I am taking alot of your questions and advice into consideration. I have actually tried to tell him that he might be looking for a problem in this relationship that doesnt exist. I mean I told him that he needs to look at other factors in his life too that can be making him unhappy. He said while I was away he wasnt happy about it but he felt "less stressed." Only once or twice did he make a comment about me meeting someone else. Part of me thinks he didnt expect me to "leave him" for two weeks because we have never been apart like that. It was a very hard thing for me to do becasue he couldnt come with me. I am not a very possesive person (not anymore at least) and I give him plenty of freedom because I can see how important it is to him. I dont badger him for details about his nights out so I dont feel like I am being intrusive or anything and he agrees. He feels as though we were fighting more recently but thats not really true. I almost feel like his unhappiness is causing him to see problems that dont even exist. I am just really afraid that we are going to lose out on something that was so good. It helps and hurts that we are doing this on such good terms and he has thanked me for not "hating him" and being mean about this because he feels I have a right to. I just dont see how that would make anything easier. I welcome any suggestions or advice. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 4:21pm
You're welcome hon. : ) I think you hit the nail on the head with 'his unhappiness is causing him to see problems that don't even exist." Unfortunately I am not real sure what you can do to repair this, I think he will have to do that on his own. Have any of his friends broken up recently? Maybe he's been looking for a reason to break up? Guys also have hormonal stages just like women do and maybe that's affecting him too.

I am so sorry that this is affecting your relationship in this way. : ( It is very sad what is going on and I am also even sorrier that I don't have a solution either. I think it may be best to give the relationship a rest and he can get things in order with himself, then go from there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 10:20pm
Does anyone think that it is possible he is just looking for some "single" time before he settles down? I mean we have been together for much of the usual young adult dating years and sometimes I wonder if he felt the relationship was getting to a point where it was too serious and marriage was the next big step. And maybe he feels that even though he loves me he needs to do this before he commits for the rest of his life? I dont know I am speculating. I know I need to speak to him about this but I also dont want to badger him too much. He has to figure this out on his own. Has anyone had any experience with this? Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 1:55am
hey!

your story sounds a little bit like mine..in short, he broke up with me after we have been together for a year for basically reasons unknown. As you say, you guys are very compatible, he still says he loves you, he cried when he was telling you something is wrong..I am 23, he is 24 and what hurt us most was the long distance relationship we had. During this past year I met his family though, I met his friends, everything seemed to be working ok until a week ago he told me he can't go on like this. We had a healthy relationship, I never demanded to know where he's going, what he's doing and i did pretty much everything to be the 'perfect'girlfriend.

Back to my point...when he broke up he cried and i have never seen him cry before..he also said he loved me..but still, we are not together anymore. Look, I dont know what it is..are they still immature and they need some single time as you said? I think that's part of it. 20 something guys are still not ready to be in a commited relationship, I think. I also always believed that once a guy finds the right person it will not matter how old he is. In any case, what I'm about to tell you might hurt but I think that the best thing to do is to let him go for a little bit. If it was right, if he really does love you he will come back, I promise. However, if it wasn't the real thing it is better that you find it out now then years later.

Keep me posted ok? I really do hope everything works out fine for you guys...good luck!