trying to heal

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2008
trying to heal
1
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 8:22pm

Hi... I apologize if you read this post from the Betrayed Girlfriends Support message board. A reader suggested I probably get more feedback here.

Where do I start? It’s been over a year since I’d broke up with my ex of 3.5 years. It has been difficult to deal with the hurt and anger, especially the way the relationship ended. I ended the relationship back in August ’06. The last straw for me was the fact he kept pushing me to get marry. I’m sure most girls would jump at the chance. But I didn’t feel I was ready at that point, especially when we had issues between us. From the beginning, I felt he was comparing me to his ex. Call it woman’s intuition. It’s the little gesture he did that made me felt this way. I didn’t want to jump into marriage, knowing I had these feelings. Also, a month prior to the breakup, I met his parents for the second time. During their visit, I felt like I was being judged on everything about me. I had a feeling that I wasn’t liked because I didn’t “fit in” with them, from my cultural background to my appearance. The worst part was my ex didn’t even stand up for me. He just acted like their perfect son and acted like nothing was wrong. Why would I want to put myself in that position and marry someone like that or marry into a family like that?

Two weeks after that incident, he proposed. We talked about marriage throughout our relationship, and it was something we both wanted. But I told him I needed more time and was not ready to jump into marriage. He kept insisting on us having a commitment. Girls, I thought I was already in a committed relationship. We weren’t dating anyone else. Is marriage the only means of a commitment? I felt he liked the idea of being married than being with me. His words were, “Why am I still here?” So, I ended the relationship.

When things ended between us, he sold his house and moved back with his family. I knew the break up was devastating on the both of us. I still cared about him and wanted to make sure he was okay. I made the mistake thinking we could still be friends afterwards. Over the next four months, I kept in touch to make sure he was doing fine. From our conversation, there were still feelings between us and maybe some hope of reconciliation. In the beginning of ’07, he told me he was visiting. I knew he was probably going through hell with his family and wanted to know if there was also some chance of getting back together with me. Well, my next mistake was meeting with him for the weekend. It felt like nothing was changed. We both wanted to be together and discussed visiting each other in the following months. I made it clear to him that I still wasn’t ready to get marry but still cared about him. And he told me that he chose me over his parents. After he returned to his family, he didn’t answer my call for a couple of days. When we’d finally talked, he told me he mismanaged his money, didn’t have “face” to see me anymore, and told me to move on with my life. I tried to console him and told him I was here for him. I knew he’d probably needed some time to deal with his situation.

Girls, my final mistake was thinking I could rescue him or he needed to be rescued. But I also realized how much I really cared about him and didn’t want to see him so unhappy. Well, I flew down to see him, ready to tell him that I wanted to move forward with our relationship. It was the most naïve thing I did. He met me for two hours at the end of the day. He told it was too late. He began seeing someone else and felt he could have a commitment from that person. He told me his visit was a mistake. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was completely devastated. How could anyone hurt someone so deep? I’m still angry and distraught how he can find happiness and someone so easily, and I'm going through these unbearable emotions.

Now, I’m taking it day by day; taking some time to heal before getting into another relationship and taking time to find myself again. There are times when I relive those agonizing moments thinking if I didn’t break up with him in the first place, and then I wouldn’t be going through this hell. But maybe it was a bomb waiting to explode at any minute. This way we don’t have any kids involved or divorce lawyers to draft out the paper work.

What happened to karma?

Thanks for listening...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 01-24-2008 - 9:19pm

Welcome to the board spicegirl08,


Regardless of how fast he found someone and moved on, I'm not sure your motives for getting back together were the best ones.


What made you change your mind about all this: