Trying to Move On

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Trying to Move On
7
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 10:50am

Just when I thought I was in my routine of Chinese food and Law and Order...just when I thought I was okay with being single, in steps the guy of my dreams. Needless to say, it didn't work out and this is day 2 of not hearing from him. My choice though because of course he wants to stay friends, of course he wants his cake and eat it too. But I know I have to let him go. I know I have to stop obsessing on what could have been. I've got to stop obsessing about his eyes, his arms, his neck his voice, his smell...stop obsessing about a life together and face the truth. I can only now let time pass, embrace my faith, friends and family and to avoid all contact with him. Although he's not as cowardly as most guys are (albeit there is still the coward trait left in him)...he will return my calls...he actually calls me...but that's not good for me. I love him and I need him to stop calling me. I didn't sign on for friendship, (yes, I want to be best friends with the man I marry) but I initially signed on for a relationship, marriage, children etc. And these are the things he told me he wanted. I can only trust God with my heart and if this guy is for me, then he'll fix the problems in his life and he'll come back. If not, then I've got to move on...I've got to somehow beleive that I will be happy again, that I will smile again, that I won't have to take sleeping pills at night just to get some peace, that I won't feel the urge to cry all the time, that this lump that's forever lodged inside my throat will suddenly disolve, that I'll be able to breathe again and the tightness in my stomach will smooth out, that I'll be able to eat, to do the things I liked before, where things won't seem pointless or hopeless. It's not fair. It's not fair that we're made this way and that they (guys) can just get over it, can just ignore us, can just feed us silly lines like (i need time to myself). (Yes, I know there are great guys out there and if I could just be so lucky to find one!) But somehow, we do move on...in our own way...whether we embrace our faith or whatever way, we do. Because we are strong and we do deserve better and do you know why I know that? Because we as women are willing to love, we are willing to fight for that love, we are willing to put up with whatever it takes to make a relationship work...so why, why can't we expect at least as much? We should. I know it's hard and we get hung up on certain things about that certain guy but we deserve to be fought for! We deserve to be loved as much as we are willing to love.

God help us and give us the strength we need (even now as my tears make it impossible for me to see).

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 2:43pm

Oh, I'm so sorry you're hurting.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 2:53pm

Thank you so much for your response. I'm really hoping this long weekend will give some distance. It's especially hard becasue I work with this guy...but with a little luck I think I will be able to avoid him. He's called before and I've voiced my desires to be left alone. A part of me wishes that he fights for me and a part of me wishes that he'd just go away. In any case, I'm off to Montreal. I long drive with my best friend should do me good.

Have a great holiday!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 10:17pm

Wow - I think you and I are living parallel lives! I broke up with someone I thought was going to end up as the father of my children on monday and he hasn't called, or emailed or anything. I broke up with him because I was just so tired of being let down by him. Of being disappointed. Of my needs taking a very real second-place to his needs. I'm worth fighting for. So are you. It sucks that we let ourselves fall in love with people who don't agree.

I've lost 5 pounds this week and have a constant headache from keeping myself from crying I think. I just wanted him to 'show up' to this relationship. I'm worth that. You are too.

I loved what you said about deserving to be loved as much as we are willing to love. I'm going to remember that and use it to remind myself of why I did what I did when I miss him so much I can't breathe - thanks.

I'll honestly be thinking of you. Please let me know how it goes.

L

Edited 6/30/2006 10:22 pm ET by oryx72




Edited 7/1/2006 11:09 am ET by oryx72
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2005
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 12:02am

Even though things don't feel great right now, and your post wasn't about anything "beautiful", it is absolutely beauftifully written. It is dead on with what everyone seems to be going through on here at some point or another. The immediate constant ache that you are feeling will eventually go away. You will actually get hungry again. I was eating again a little over a week later. I love to eat WAY too much! I am sure it takes everyone a different amount of time for all of this process. While this Monday will make it 1 month since my boyfriend broke up with me, it wasn't until about 2 weeks ago that I realized his attempts at contacting me were only out of guilt to make sure I was okay, and there was obviously no desire on his part to get back together, that I stopped REALLY feeling like I wanted to talk to him. Of course I still have my moments, but I no longer have anything to say to him. I am wondering if I ever will actually. But I felt that moment, switching from holding onto some hope that he might still want to work things out to knowing for sure that he didn't, and while that will probably always hurt, that was the moment I really let go of it. In the time that followed, I still have really sad moments and feel those aches when something reminds me of him. The pain is still strong, but only in those moments. What I had with my ex wasn't ever making me 100% happy, but me even being serious with anyone is so rare that I really wanted to hold onto that. We definitely deserve to be with someone who will love us as we love ourselves...and as we love them. I don't know why we sometimes put up for less than we deserve. Hopefully we do that, and learn from the pain of it, and never repeat that again!

I know this process is far from being over, but I feel so much better now that I did. Those first few weeks are so tough! You have much more clarity than I did in the first week! Just keep coming here to write what you are feeling. There are so many helpful people here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 10:06am

We are in the same boat. I was always let down by him as well but I ignored it...thought I understood why he had to spend more time with others than with me...thought he'd realize the gem he had...but he didn't and what's worse is he keeps calling me to see "how I'm doing". I feel like screaming at him (which I have) "How do you think I'm doing? You come into my life just long enough to snatch away the little peace i have then leave me with nothing but occasional phone calls that keep jarring at the wound!" He's incredibly selfish. Wants his cake and eat it too. But I can't wait around hoping that he'll choose me. I can't hope for him any more. I have put my foot down and told him that until he's ready to finish what he started, to leave me alone and let me heal. I dont' want to be friends...I want to be a lover, a girlfriend, a wife, a mother. Besides, I can't suddenly switch from girlfriend to friend. Girls don't operate that way.
Anyway, sorry I'm rambling. I guess I'm still bubbling over and will be so for a very long time. It's funny actually. Four months ago, I was perfectly fine. Fine with my single life (well maybe not totally fine but I was surviving, you know). Now, it'll take forever to get over this, to get back to where I was before. He haunts me and I'm afraid that I can't excerise his ghost. I love him. And that's my misfortune...I'll have to deal with it. Nevermind what he told me, that he couldn't believe he actually found me...that I must have put a spell on him to make him like me so much...yadayadayada

I let my guard down and I fell for him and I gave him what was left of my heart...he still has it and I don't think I'll ever get it back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 10:13am
Thanks for your response. I realize that I am in the denial phase...that I'm still holding out hope. My apetite has surfaced a bit and I know it will come back. All I can do is take one step at a time and to really put my foot down with this guy and tell him to leave me alone. I have to realize that by being firm with him, I'm not destroying all hopes of being with him again...that I'm not going to push him further away by being firm..because if he can be pushed further then he wasn't really mine to begin with. Time heals all wounds. Just got to let the days pass.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 7:16pm

Beautifully put....time does heal all wounds & it also opens up many different doors of oppertunity to us all.

The hours will pass, then the days, and before you know it a few months will go by & life will go on. My only hope is that everyone here will allow themselves the time to heal & not settle for any less the next go around.

Good luck to you & take care of yourself!