Trying to move on
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 09-22-2005 - 3:11pm |
Okay so I'm feeling a little sad right now and I'm really trying to move on but it just doesnt seem to want to happen. Me and my boyfriend broke up 2 1/2 months ago. Let me start from the beginning.
I dated him briefly when I was a freshmen in highschool but I was young and immature and not ready for anything so after a few dates I stopped calling him. Well 10 years later, which would be about 1 1/2 ago I ran into him again and we started dating. We had an instant connection and spent every day together from the first date on. He was in the process of going through a divorce (they split 5 months prior to that) and had two kids one from a highschool girlfriend that he never got to see and one from his ex wife. Anyway we dated for 5 months and thinks were perfect. I was in heaven. We never fought, I pretty much lived with him. He was the first guy I ever loved. He was the one who intitated everything. The date, the hanging out all the time, saying I love you...all of it. Well after 5 months in a period of about two weeks he got really distant and quiet. I went out of town for a weekend and when i came back he told me he thought we moved to fast and that he thought I shouldnt "live" there anymore but that he didnt want to break up and that he still loved me and wanted me in his life. So I moved home in shock but hopefull that everything would be okay. The next night it became apparent to me after he called and had me come over to talk that things werent going to be okay. All he could say was that he didnt want to lose me but he didnt think he was ready for a serious relationship and that he needed space but still didnt know if he wanted to break up. I was devastated and left bawling. Two days later it was official, we broke up. I was a mess. I couldnt stop crying and i thought the pain was going to kill me. I found out a week later that two days after he initially told me we moved to fast (before we officially broke up) that he took another girl out. I was furious/crushed all at the same time. I confronted him about it and he tried to tell me they were just friends and that she just came over to hang out. I wanted to believe him but I didnt. I left furious. However, a couple days later I calmed down and told him I still wanted to be friends and not let that ruin what we had because I just couldn't imagine life without him. For 3 months we went in and out of being friends. He told me that he would never stop trying to be my friend and I would just have to ignore him. But yet he would give me space he said to deal. So we would go a few weeks not talking and then I would break down and email him or call him. Anway after about 3 months i started dating someone else and was generally pretty happy again so I thought why not, I'll try being his friend again. I still thought he was a great guy. So we started talking again and eventually even hanging out. I was happy. Then he sprung the whole I still love you and I never stopped I just needed to go out and be single to help me deal and get over the divorce thing. I was torn, i really liked the new guy i was dating but yet I still loved him. I wasnt sure if the new guy would turn into anything and I was pretty certain that if i got back together with the ex it would be great again. I had always felt we would get back together. So for about 2 months I went back and forth trying to decide who i wanted to be with. It became apparent the new guy wasnt looking for anything serious and that ended so of course my ex turned it on full steam in trying to get me back. Wierd thing is though there were lots of times I didn't know if I really wanted him back. I would get annoyed with him and not want to even be around him. But eventually I decided to go back to him and all those feelings went away and things were great again. Even better actually. All the issues he had from the first time were gone. We talked about moving in together, marriage, all of it. He even told one of my friends that he was going to take me to Hawaii in August and propose to me. Well just like the last time after about 5 months in a period of about a week he started acting funny. He told me that he felt like he wasnt good enough for me and that he was holding me back with all of his baggage (i.e. ex wife, kid, bad credit). I thought this was ridiculous. He made me so happy and none of that stuff mattered cuz he always treated me so good and we had the best connection and he did all the little stuff that counts. We didnt break up at first but I was majorly on edge. So much so that I made myself sick. Well anyway one night we made plans to go to a movie and spend some quality time together (he said that maybe it was just because he had started this new job and the hours were funky so we didnt see as much of eachother) So we go to a movie and then afterwards he tells me he wants to meet a guy from the gym out. We barely ever went out without eachother so I just assumed he meant both of us but it soon became apparent that he wanted to go alone. I also noticed that he kept texting this person instead of calling them to find out where they were at. So I was immediately suspicious. But i tried to remain calm and just put the thoughts out of my head, his car broke down earlier that day so I let him take my car to go out and i went home and went to bed. He said he was going to be home early. I woke up around 1:30 and he still wasnt home. To make a long story a little shorter I didnt get ahold of him till 3 in the morning where he gave me some bullsh*t story about being to drunk to drive home and that he just crashed on this guys couch and just woke up. He got back to my apt and we got into an argument and he just kept saying that he felt he wasnt good enough for me and that he was holding me back. We broke up that night. Two days later I found out he met another girl out and hung out all night with her and then came back and lied straight to my face, WITH MY CAR!!!!!
I was furious and I left him the meanest message (cuz he didnt answer) I could think of. I told him I hated him and never wanted to talk to him again. He txt me later trying to play it off like he had no clue what i was talking about but when I told him how i found out he knew he was caught and had no way to deny it. So his response was "ha ha I knew it that shady prick". That was the last thing he said to me and we have not talked since. THe bad part was that I belonged to the gym he worked at and I had gotten into a total routine that I did not want to break. Especially not because of his ass. So I still went. He completely avoided me and I avoided him. About a month after the split he stopped me at the gym to ask about some movies he left at my place. But he never made any attempt to get them. In fact he stopped me three times to talk to me about them but yet never made any attempt to come and get them. I was doing super good too. Suprisingly the anger made it a lot easier than the first time. I went on a vacation with friends a week after the breakup and had the best time and was doing great until about 3 weeks ago. Curiosity got the best of me and I checked his email and to my dismay found an email from his new girlfriend. In it he told her he couldnt stop thinking about her and that he loved her so much. It sounded just like the emails he use to send me when we first started dating. And whats even worse is I know the girl, she works out at the gym and I he had even introduced her to me one night when we were out. She wasnt the girl he went out with when he cheated on me however. And I know its only been not even a month that they have been dating cuz she hooked up with another guy I know about a month ago. It definately hurt, more so because it just proved to me even more that our relationship was complete bullsh*t than because he was dating her. Obviously he falls in and out of love like its nothing. Since then I have been going in and out of being fine and being sad. One week I'm happy as can be and fine and then theres days where I just want to lay in bed and cry. I still think about him everyday and along with being sad I have this urge to just email him and be like wtf?? I want answers, the biggest one is how he could do this to me? We went from being everyones perfect couple to him being the biggest jerk EVER!! he did a complete 180! I know I shouldnt email him and ive written tons of emails but i never send them but I just want this urge to go away and I just want to stop thinking about him!!! I went to the gym the other day and had the misfortune of running into him, his new girlfriend and his mom all blocking the walkway talking. I had no choice but to walk right by them. His mom of course had to say hello. I just wanted to punch him. And now the avoiding me has stopped and instead its almost like hes trying to initiate a friendship again. He came and got his movies two days after i read the email and tried to talk to me about some of the drama with his ex wife but I made it obvious I didnt care to listen so he just left. Now he always makes a point to make eye contact with me at the gym and has started saying hello and goodbye where before he would just ignore me like I told him too. Ive decided that as much as I want to stick it out despite him that I'm going to stop going to the gym. It just hurts to much to see him with another girl and while I know more than likely he will do the same to her and that I am better off without him it just hurts to know that he is soooooooooooo not the person I thought he was. We had the best connection I've ever seen between anyone, we could talk for hours about anything and still have more to say. I knew he was far from perfect because of all his baggage but it never mattered because of that connection. And now i just feel like a huge fool because that person that I had this connection with didnt even exist.

I think you are really doing great and further along than you might think. And I believe you are right about considering to not go to that gym for awhile. Seeing him all of the time and with a new girl has to be like a kick in the gut everytime no matter how strong you are. You are doing the right thing too by continuing to live your life and be busy right in the same town. It is natural to still be angry at him and still be affected because you haven't had sufficient "away" time to fully heal. Good for you to stay strong and continue moving forward. I promise it will pay off and thoughts of him will fade. It might seem like you are not getting over it, but little by little, continue to push negative thoughts out, and surprisingly, good thoughts and things will start happening and maybe a new love one day and you'll hardly remember what the fuss was about with ol' whats-his-face... lol.
praises,
Grace
everytime i've seen him (mainly at the gym) ive been mean to him and ignored him and I doubt i would be his friend even if he tried the point is i guess i just wanted him to try cuz then it would at least show me he did care. And I would be the one to reject him!!!
How my story is similar to yours:
When I was in 8th grade and my ex was a junior in high school, we met at church and liked each other so we "went out" for about 2 months. It just didn't work, even though we both liked each other, and I ended up breaking up with him.
Not 10 years, but 2 1/2 years later, we started talking again while he was in the process of breaking up with his current gf of a year and a half.
My breakup was drawn out. He took little steps. He still loved me, but just "couldn't" be with me right now, and so on and so forth until it just finally became "the end". However, it took him 3 months to do it.
He started talking to/dating another girl before he stopped calling me. Even told me when I asked him if he was talking to anybody else (this was an OK topic, we'd discussed the whole situation and decided that we both were free to date other people, but needed to be honest with eachother about it -- HA! turns out he lied...)
He told me that we would always be friends, that as long as we had known each other and been in a relationship that I couldn't just get rid of him. That even if he was annoying me to death and making me mad and all he got to listen to was yelling, that he would keep calling me just to hear my voice. He stopped calling out of the blue one day and when I tried calling him 2 weeks later, wouldn't answer the phone.
We took a 2 month break from each other about a year prior to the "final" breakup. At my senior prom he told me best friend that if he hadn't totaled his vehicle a month or so prior to the dance, he'd been planning to propose to me at the dance.
The night before we finally completely broke up and started no-contact, he never called like he was supposed to and I spent all night long worried sick about him. He acted nonchalant like I shouldn't have been worried when I finally got ahold of him at 10 am the next morning.
My ex is now dating a girl with 2 kids. He broke up with me because he wasn't ready for commitment right now... HA! Talk about BS. *rolls eyes* I have friends that see them together and for some reason feel compelled to tell me about him having his arm around her and kissing her (all at church, things he never did with me because it was CHURCH)
NONE of my friends can believe that he ended up treating me this way. He was so good to me for so long and then, completely changed (overnight, it seemed) into the a$$hole he is today.
I also feel like the person I'd been in a relationship with for so long is not the person I thought he was. The person I was in love with doesn't really exist... I feel mislead and lied to and all that.... :(
However, and it's a BIG however, IT WILL GET BETTER!
I never in a million years would have expected to be happy, but I am.
No, there's not a new guy I'm dating. But I've discovered that I don't really need one. Sure, I miss the kissing and the cuddling and all of that stuff, but I'm doing fine without it too.
Hang in there! Hope it helped to see that you aren't the only one who's been in this situation and it will get better and easier. :)
hi que16,
Girl, I am so sorry to hear about all the crap this stupid guy has put you through. I am going through a messy break up now that isn't like the one you talked about, however, the guy I dated before this one was a lot like the guy you described. All I can say is honey, somebody upstairs must love you alot because they have bailed you out of a life of trouble TWICE now! It's obvious this guy is confused and lost and has no idea what he is doing. He seems to bounce around from girl to girl with the wind and he obviously had no respect for you or else he wouldn't have lied, cheated, and used you. I know it hurts but you have to be strong enough to say, "you know what, he isn't good enough for ME". Because he isn't!! There is a guy out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and will love you like you love him. You are SO MUCH BETTER OFF without this loser! Find a new gym (with lots of new hot guys) and move on!! Don't communicate with him, take down all his pictures, etc. It takes going through the rain to know when we find the rainbow...consider this guy your rain and if you stay strong and do what you know you should, your rainbow will be just around the corner!
Take care and God bless!
Lindsay