Trying not to call him

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2005
Trying not to call him
2
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:44am

My boyfriend and I just broke up 3 days ago because we get very little time together. He's a grad student and all his time is taken up by his internship, classes and homework. He's so overwhelmed with everything that we were just fading away. And I was starting to resent that he couldn't plan much time together (we talked a few minutes a day and saw each other 1 or 2 times a week). It's probably right to give up on it, and yet it's so hard. I detest the idea of giving up because he was a good thing. I hate the idea of accepting that the timing was bad. I want so much for us to be together, for us to say we'll make it through this because we have such a good time together. The last couple days I did really well just feeling what I was feeling and not feeling that pull to call him and talk about it. Today I've moved into wanting to talk to him and see if we can agree that yes it would be hard to stay together, but we should do it anyway. The logic side of me says that's grasping at straws. One of my most healthy relationships in a long long long time and it can't work because of circumstance?!?!?! Frustrating.

I wish I could see a way around this problem of no time so we could work. But what do you do when you don't see much of each other? We live 20 minutes apart and yet both agree we were starting to feel like this was a long distance relationship. So part of me feels like it was the right thing to do, breaking up. At least we did it before losing respect and love for the other person. The other part of me wants to say NO! If we decide to make it through this, we can.

Thanks for reading... as much as I'm thinking about it today, it's nice to have a place to spew all the thoughts out without really doing anything, especially something silly like contact him. I will wait a bit longer before I initiate any contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 3:20pm

Awww, I'm sorry, I'm not sure what to say? I first wonder if he was trying to be too busy? How did he feel when you broke up? Was he as sad? I'm also thinking maybe he's overwhelmed right now but eventually that is going to where off. I'm sure you do want to call, but you are being very strong. Ask yourself was this guy really what you wanted? did you used to have time for each other before all this grad stuff? I'm just wondering if he was willing to still try, I don't see why it had to completely end. I mean if you were supporting him and encouraging him, there is *some* time that he would have for you. I'm just afraid that he is the one that has let the relationship slip away. Maybe if you take alittle more time to hash over any signs that might have led to this breakup other than him being busy... because I'm thinking even the busiest person *makes* time for what they want. Maybe if you wait and then call to lay it on the line, just how much you care and are willing to wait to make a life with him. Or with some time you will see that what little he's willing to give isn't enough for you to be *really* happy... I think i'm going around in circles.... but go with your heart and be smart about what's going on.

I know it must hurt too that he is willing to walk away so easily, I guess that says alot. Sending prayers, and hugs, hang in there, and you'll know what you need to do

Gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 4:09pm

Thanks for the support Gracie.

The weird and difficult thing is I agree with us breaking up. We were together for 6 months, 3 of which was pre-grad school with lots of time together and such sweetness. So while that was great, it partly feels like just not enough time together to really fight for. Another thing about this is that his grad school will end next summer (August), then in September, I'll go to grad school for 2 years! So we were looking at 3 years of juggling so little free time.

On the otherhand, yeah, I think if you really care about someone, you make the time, no matter what. But at the same time, I think he was doing the best he could to make time for us and yes, he was sad too. I spent much of today contemplating trying to talk to him about us making it work, accepting the relationship as not having much more face time than a long distance relationship, even though it's not LD. When I really think about it though, I know that this is not enough for me (or him). We both want more, but don't know what to do about it. Maybe just go with this for now and see if our timing gets better some day down the road.

I asked him out originally and when we were breaking up, he said, "despite it working out this way, I'm not sorry I said yes when you asked me out". Today, I kind of wish I'd never asked him out. Then I wouldn't have to go through this now. Then again, I wouldn't have learned how sweet a guy can be. I wouldn't have started to learn some of the things I'm realizing he made it possible for me to learn about myself.

Anyway, right now I'm finally concentrating at work (or was!) and feeling strong enough to continue not contacting him for awhile... NC until I can contact him and fight the temptation to re-hash and try to beg for us to try again, that's just so demeaning.