Trying to set boundaries

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Trying to set boundaries
3
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 5:54pm


Most of you know my story, I work with my EX.

I’ve been working really hard to try and set boundaries with my EX. I’ve changed my job responsibilities, and his so we deal with each other as little as possible. I explained to him that although I’ve tried in the past, I can’t be friends with him right now. I can’t be happy for his choices, his behavior or with how much he’s hurt me. I just can’t have anything to do with him; it’s not good for me.

How come the harder I try to set boundaries with him, the more he wants to be around me. He just won’t leave me alone. He keeps coming up with excuses to talk to me. He says he agrees with me, but then he calls me, he keeps coming into my office with work stuff that he can figure out. I feel like his Mommy. It’s like 4 months later when I’m saying you made decisions you felt were best for you, no hard feelings lets just move on. He keeps trying to find things to get mad at me about. It’s like our early break up patterns keep repeating.

Why do they want to be around you when you finally decide you don’t want to be around them?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:15pm
Are you his supervisor or in any way responsible for his work? If not, why don't you just say, "I'm sorry, I'm not able to help you" and hang up, or if he's in your office, pick up the phone to make a call.

Repeat as necessary.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:47pm
Well, if you don't want to feel like his mommy - don't act like his mommy.

You're over here making rules, regulations, having requirements that all hinge on his cooperation, his agreement....and if he breaks the rules and regulations despite what he promises - you're an 'ineffective" mommy because you have no way to "spank him or give hiim a time out'.

Consider yourself an adult....a boundary is what you set FOR YOURSELF - it's not a rule you put up that HE has to agree to and keep.

if you say no contact except for professional reasons....when he walks up to your desk to "chat" - get on the phone with someone else, dismiss him.

When he walks by in the hall and says something and you stop - if it's "small talk" - you move on...it's not about business that is pressing of a professional nature.

You set that boundary - and when no matter what he does, or what he says gets NOTHING but a professional interaction or dismissal - he'll stop hanging around you.

Because he wants attention...and he's getting it watching you "agonize" over him not wanting you while not respecting your wishes so that you can "get over him".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:53pm
Why do they want to be around you when you finally decide you don’t want to be around them?


cause then they realize that they may be missing out on something.....just my opinion, but I think that they like knowing you want them back, or that you are hurting over them, and then when you look like you are moving on, they wanna move right back on in.

Hugs,

Karen