Trying to stay out of his life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Trying to stay out of his life...
7
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 2:21am

Please read "BF Can't Handle Relationship" for background...

He called me last Thursday. A 2 hour conversation. I think the original reason was because it was a friend's bday. I had explained to one of the friends I didnt want to go because of W. She apparently told him I guess. He sounded so sad. "We can still be friends! There is no reason we can't coexist in the same place. I think you are being immature"! I explained being around him was too hard. I hang aroung him, have fun, miss him & want him again. I just can't keep doing that to my heart.

Dammit, he won me all over again. It's THOSE conversations that I miss. It's THAT old W. He further explained himself with the family issues, bad timing, etc.

He mentioned his dad's prostate cancer. The new development is that his mom was just diagnosed with a brain disease. He mentioned some other cancers. Stupid me made some joke like "way to point out that we shouldn't procreate". :( I'm a little ashamed of that. That is what I said rather than "I'm sorry, etc".

He said he's lost a few friends because of all of this. That they keep asking him to go out, he doesnt have time since he's going back home, etc. I told them they are just selfish & immature.

I reiterated that I fully understand the family comes first. That I'm not being selfish, etc. That the only reason I cant be friends with him is because I'd want more.

He actually said he can't date because it's a "luxury". That he takes a lot of pride in relationships & puts a lot of effort into them. That if he can't focus on that he doesnt want to do it right now. (This sounds EXACTLY like he is.)

I also asked about the exgf. I was always worried I was a rebound & that he just wasnt over her. (You should also know I initiated our whole relationship.) He said HE was the main reason that stayed together so long, because he worked for it. He said he'd never get over her. She was his first love. But, that he's as over her as he can get. I asked what would happen if her engagement is broken off? Would you get back with her. He said "absolutely not. We've done the on again off again thing. We cant do that anymore". I said, do you realize you are falling into those same patterns with me? & he said yes, but he didnt mean to. Which is why he just ended it. He said he wasnt pushing me away, just cant contribute anything to our relationship. Which makes a little more sense now.

He then goes on to lecture me about being depressed.That I just need to buck up & get out there. Sigh. That's the old, sweet W. Damn him.

I asked, "ok, what do you want from me then?" He just said to stop getting mad if he doesnt respond to texts, stop bombarding him, etc. Lol. (oops.) I said ok, how about I just leave you alone & you can call me if you want to talk? He said ok. We both said take care. It seemed so final. We've never said that to each other. I dont know if that means it's the end for awhile or what.

But, the way he just can talk to me. He goes on & on. Like I am a decent confidant. I think he'll want to talk sooner or later.

Damn. Poor guy. I didnt know it was stuff with his mom too. Either way, I think I said the right things? I know I've got to leave him alone & give him space & time to deal with this stuff. I'm just worried how long it will take. When we talk like that I remember why we were good together in the first place.

It's been a few days & I am aching. I'm worried about him & I miss him. It was my decision this time to leave him alone. I don't want to bring any more stress to him. (I am high maintenance. I can admit that! He can't handle me right now.) But, my ego is still fragile. I keep thinking, regardless of his problems, if he really cared he'd still want to keep me in his life. Right? Is that true? Or, just a selfish idea?

I'm trying my best here. I'm still sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 9:52pm

Honey, his mind is NOT where you want it to be...in you. He has many issues in his plate and he's trying to deal with them the best he can. He did the on-off thing with his EX and probably that's why he told you he needed a break. Perhaps, he doesn't want you to feel neglected, as you said it yourself that you're high maintanence. He wants space and time to deal with his problems and he wants you to stop bombarding him. Respect his needs.

Now that you've agreed to do it, go through with it. Aceept that it's over now. Yes, it's hard as hell and the longer you stay in that sad place missing him and wanting him back the longer your hell will last. If you start by accepting that he needs time alone with his family and that you need to do things for yourself, it'll be easier to get over him. Pass that sad place where you're now. When he calls, if he does, then you can decide if you want him in your life again.

It's hard but it's not impossible.




Edited 10/17/2006 9:54 pm ET by lightandbright
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 9:21pm

I have revised this post as it appears my previous one was seen as bitter and innacurate. I apologize for that.

While it is important that one be understanding when a SO's parents have cancer, that is not the issue I was commenting on. One of the main things I've been reading forever and trying to do for the first time here is to move on if someone is not interested in having a relationship with me.

My apologies for seeming harsh but my encouragement was that if someone is hung up over their ex and still in love with them and doesn't have time to give to a relationship, and meet the needs of the one they are involved with, then it is better to let them go.




Edited 10/19/2006 9:32 am ET by devuchka

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 10:35pm

Wow.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 10:54pm

Thanks Sandradee for basically reflecting my same opinions.

To Dev...It was about him because he is the one going thru stuff. Never once has he asked me to wait for him, help him, etc. (In fact, he told me the opposite so that I wouldn't be bogged down by his stresses.) I am there for him because I want to be. I have never been chastised for being compassionate. I have learned empathy & standing by loved ones is among the most important things in a relationship. I believe if & when this guy comes back he will see that I was always there for him & loved him unconditionally. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

I am not a doormat. I'm not waiting for him. I'm thrilled that my family is visiting me this weekened. I've been reading all sorts of books I never had time to focus on before. I've rekindled with friends that fell out of my life. My body is in great shape, I've been paying more attention to that too. I'm even dating others.

I'm just going to be there for the guy if & when he needs me. It was my choice to leave him alone for now & give him time to grieve, regroup, etc. I still love him & the fact that he is depressed & focussed on himself won't change that. I guess I am just an understanding person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 9:44am

Cher,

I have revised my former post as apparently it caused much angst. I apologize if I offended you in any way or seemed bitter. Bitterness is sometimes just the awareness of truth in one's own situation -- too late. It doesn't mean that because one expresses bitterness that there is no truth, just that it's not the truth spoken with love.

My comments were related to your relationship with him as a standalone entity, not related to the issues his family is facing.

I tend to morph into a co-dependent over-giver in a relationship, and be clingy and my responses were what I have to tell myself in order to move on.

I'm sure I don't understand the situation, but the comments I reflected are ones that are generally being reflected in dating and relationship literature at the moment and have been helpful to me in dealing with very self-centered mates, however they may not be appropriate for your situation.

I was very supportive of my ex while he was training for a body-building competition and was moody all the time. I fully believe in supporting mates when they have personal goals, crises in their lives etc. But there is a point when you are not getting your needs met (and sometimes don't even realize) where it just becomes a very one-sided relationship. I'm glad your ex is encouraging you to move on, and let go however painful that is.

Good luck.




Edited 10/19/2006 9:48 am ET by devuchka

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 11:06am

....."my encouragement was that if someone is hung up over their ex and still in love with them and doesn't have time to give to a relationship, and meet the needs of the one they are involved with, then it is better to let them go.".....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 9:44am

Thanks for the ideas.

Re: literature and roles, one of the main books I've absorbed lately is "Getting to I Do." I found the concept on roles (cherishing vs. respecting) very insightful and made our last relationship work out as well as it did considering the differences in our ages and life stages. It also states that masculine men are givers, a concept that I am trying to embrace.




Edited 10/21/2006 9:48 am ET by devuchka