Trying to understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Trying to understand
3
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 11:13pm

My boyfriend of three years and I just broke up again for the third time in a year and a half. He has serious commitment issues but I always hoped he could get past them. Our problems started when he told me he was buying a house with his brother. We had been together for a year and 1/2 at that point and I was devastated. I couldn't understand why he would buy a house with him when he had me and we practically lived together already. I tried breaking up with him and walking away but he would tell me it would all work out and made promises that they would sell the house eventually and each get their own. A month after moving into the "party house" with his brother, he broke up with me. Telling me I just wasn't accepting the house and he didn't see it working between us anymore. A month 1/2 later, he was back, telling me he wanted to be with me. I went back and that time period was terrible for me. He was constantly out with his friends or partying. We fought about him having girls over I didn't know who he said were "just friends". He ended up telling me he didn't think he wanted a girlfriend and ended things again.

I was devastated and started to finally moving on with my life. I dated a little and tried my best to forget about him. Then the calls started. Saying he wasn't sure, and he missed me and was it ok if he called me. I took his calls but continued to date and see other people. Then while out on a date with another guy, we ran into him and his friend. I politely said Hi and kept walking. He called a few days later, angry that he saw me with another guy, asking if I was rubbing it in his face. I told him I was dating other people, and I had every right to. Then his cousin died tragically and I went to the funeral home and let him know I was there for him. A few days later, he called and said his uncle wanted to set him up with someone but he didn't want to be set up with her, he wanted to know if I would give us another chance. And of course, I told him I would. That was a year ago.

This past year has been awesome. It finally felt like we had worked out all of the kinks in our relationship and he was more attentive and more devoted than ever before. In the summer of last year, I had problems with a roommate and all but moved in with him. Things were the best they've ever been. We spent all our time together and he asked me if I wanted to buy a house with him this year. I said Yes. Fast Forward to a few weeks ago, he found a house he liked and had me look at it to see what I thought. I told him I would move in with him but I did not feel comfortable signing a joint mortgage without at least an engagement ring on my finger. He asked if I would just move out on him then if he didn't eventually propose and I told him yes. He has known from the beginning I wanted to get married and have children. I am 31 years old and so is he. We have spent three years together, even though they were on and off. He said he didn't have the money for a ring or a wedding or a honeymoon. That's all he could say. He said he doesn't know what to think when I tell him I won't sign a mortgage with him.

After a minor fight over him being jealous of a guy friend of mine, he stunned me last Monday by telling me he didn't know if he trusted the relationship anymore. I was so angry, I couldn't believe he was pulling away from me again. I yelled and told him to F off and hung up on him. I knew we were over......again. A week went by without hearing from him and I finally called him yesterday. I immediately asked him if he loved me and he quickly said "Yes". Then he told me his feelings for me haven't progressed and he knows he is not ready for marriage and....he doesn't know if he EVER wants to get married. He said he does not want to string me a long. He has used the doesn't want to string me along excuse before but never that he didn't know if he EVER wanted to get married. I asked him why have we stayed together another year? He said some things have happened the last few weeks that brought back his insecurities and made him realize he wasn't sure again. thinks after three years he should know by now if he wants to marry me and he just doesn't feel like he is anywhere near marriage yet or if he ever will be. He said he thinks he was being selfish when his cousin died and he needed me in his life. He said sometimes he doesn't care whether he sees me and other days he has to see me and his feelings are so strong. Huh?

I know everyone on here will tell me to get over it, move on. Granted it's only been a few days but I know I'm really going to struggle with this. Him and I have been doing awesome. He's been so good and our relationship was so solid and finally felt secure this past year. When he asked if I wanted to buy a house together I was thrilled. Why is this happening now? How can he be so attentive and tell me how in love with me he is one day and three days later say he doesn't know?? Being on this roller coaster ride has been so difficult for me. Even his mom whom I get along with very well, told me to move on, don't speak to him anymore, don't accept his calls if he does call, make him live life without me and maybe that'll make him realize what he wants. I know I can't live like that either. I can't wait around hoping he'll call. Just because he did in the past, doesn't mean he will again this time. I'm sorry this is so long. Just wondering if anyone has been in this type of situation before and what they did. I feel like I'm just getting through the day right now. I'm still in shock. I can't believe he's doing this. ...again

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2007
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 12:01am
Hello jen cannon....I am much younger than you, however I have fallen in the trap of getting back with my ex several times, when he was in the wrong..It seems to me that all i ever do, is see his good side. So when people say don't email him, don't txt, call etc..i find it hard to do..Especially if he says he wants me or promises to be different. So i can understand when u say that you might be returning his phone calls, even thou heaps of people told you not to. But let me ask you something...regardless of him and other boyfriends, what 5 things would your dream boyfriend or husband be? for example: 1. good looking 2. easy to talk to/shared interests 3. doesn't have jealousy problems...etc. Which would be your main TOP 5 things that you would like...and my question is..does your ex pass every one of your 5 things? Do you really want to be with him? Or are you just in love with the idea of him..not actually him? Becz if you still love him, i don't think anyone cud help you...however if you honestly want to move on and get on with life...get rid of everything that reminds you of him...if you drive past his house to work, or have fotos of him in ur house, or old txt messages..just do it...it will help you, make you feel better and help you to get over him...I'm sorry if this was a little all over tha place, and i don't think i really helped...but yer...good luck! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 2:13pm

Hi Jen,


How sad for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 8:14pm
YES--this is my relationship to a tee! (except a few details) I am 30 and my ex is a couple years younger. We have broken up three times now. The first time, he broke up with me and I got him back in two weeks, the second time he broke up with me and he came back 5 months later, this last time, it was more me...we got into a fight because he wanted to hang out with his law school buddies after a torturous two weeks of him being MIA while he studied for finals. The thing that triggered it was that he said, "I don't know how I feel about this relationship right now, and I just want to do my own thing tonight." Then I went off. Anyway, my point is that I always blamed it on him being afraid of committment or flakey about what he wants. I'm reading "Make Every Man Want You" and "Catch Him and Keep Him", which have been pretty enlightening. I am starting to accept accountability in the repeated failure of this relationship. Granted, he has a part in it, but I have always been very reactive to him. I would recommend reading these two books. I think they are complimentary, because the first is about you becoming a more centered woman and the second is how to deal with men. Maybe after doing a little work on yourself, you will surprise him and he'll realize that he has screwed up (again). Also, give it at least a month before you contact him. Nothing is guarunteed, but it's better to experience the pain and learn from it then to seek out the immediate gratification of contacting him.