trying to understand why
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trying to understand why
| Wed, 11-03-2004 - 7:01pm |
It's been 6 days since my boyfriend of 5 and a half years broke up with me. I have to say I was somewhat blindsided by it and somewhat not suprised. A little background on the relationship: he was my first boyfriend, we go to college about 1000 miles apart, we had talked about the future seriously, and we have never had any serious problems before. Recently, he's been dealing with some personal issues about what he wants to do with the rest of his life and we went on a break for about 4 hours a month ago.
Since then we only really talked about what happened once or twice. I went out to visit him the weekend before he broke up with me. Things seemed to be getting better when I was there. There was no akwardness or anything. I felt like things were getting back to where they were about two months ago.
But when I got back I didn't really talk to him the next few days, or rather he didn't really talk to me would be more accurate. We finally talked on last Thursday which is when he broke up with me -- on the phone. The only reason he could give was that he felt like we were going in two different directions. And even that had to be pulled out of him. But yet he still cared about me and thought of me as a really good friend.
Its been an up and down emotion wise since then. I have not contacted him since that phone call and have been trying to work through the pain. I guess I just want to know why - a reason that doesn't sounds so vague - although I know that I probably won't get one. I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how to deal with this since this is the first break-up I've ever had.
Since then we only really talked about what happened once or twice. I went out to visit him the weekend before he broke up with me. Things seemed to be getting better when I was there. There was no akwardness or anything. I felt like things were getting back to where they were about two months ago.
But when I got back I didn't really talk to him the next few days, or rather he didn't really talk to me would be more accurate. We finally talked on last Thursday which is when he broke up with me -- on the phone. The only reason he could give was that he felt like we were going in two different directions. And even that had to be pulled out of him. But yet he still cared about me and thought of me as a really good friend.
Its been an up and down emotion wise since then. I have not contacted him since that phone call and have been trying to work through the pain. I guess I just want to know why - a reason that doesn't sounds so vague - although I know that I probably won't get one. I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how to deal with this since this is the first break-up I've ever had.

honestly, it's the hardest thing i've ever had to do.
i wanted to understand why for so long, and i when i analyzed it and analyzed it until i did understand some plausible reasons why, i didn't get closure. i didn't get closure, because i didn't go through the steps it takes to be over someone.
i'm so sorry you have to feel the pain and myriad of emotions that goes with a breakup, but you will be stronger when this is through! i promise!
i doesn't matter WHY he broke up with you, the fact is, he broke up with you. hopefully one day he'll realize what a mistake he made, but don't wait around for that day. move on. cry, hurt, get angry, get sad, feel all those feelings that it's normal to feel. it will get easier and easier, i know it doesn't feel like it, but it will. move on, and start to love yourself again. love that you're single, love that you're going to find someone who is as excited to be with you as you are to be with them.
find yourself, find the strength inside yourself. sometimes it takes a while to find it, but it's there. then when he comes crawling back (if he ever does), you'll be at a point where you don't want him back. you want something better.
i know this is such a tough time. it's been only a month and half for me, and there are good days, and there are really really bad days.
we're here for you ANY day.
if you need a friend, email me at blargleargle@yahoo.com. :)
you can do this! <3
"The greatest relationships are those in which the desire for each other greatly outweighs the need for each other." Dahli Lama
In that reality - there is equality, mutual benefit, honest communication and there is admiration, trust, respect, and acceptance of who they partner is - not just what the benefit of partnership offers you.
For that dynamic to exist in a relationship - it takes two very complete, secure, self-aware, self-responsible, focused, people who have defined success, security and happiness and "themselves" outside of positions, possesssions, relationships, and status in life in general.
They firmly know who they are, waht they're capable of,what is required of them, they've defined their values and priorities, learned to apply teh traits wtihin them as assets to accomplish their goals and become who they wish to be.
That isn't to say that you need to be the CEO before you have a relationship - but you need to know that the CEO is what is necessary for YOU to be in order for YOU to fully believe that you're "living up to your own expectations and potential" - along with a pretty solid plan of how you're going to reach that pinnacle of outward success that is less important than the inward journey towards that point that allows you so much information, knowledge, acceptance and trust in you - regarding you in every way.
So you two kids are in college....and while it all sounds like a beautiful plan that we'll be college sweethearts, and get married, have kids...the fact is that most of that is expectations, desires, and self-imposed restrictions that have been placed on you in childhood - as a result of your upbringing. Not that you personally don't want those things....but you're "wanting" them at this point more because you're told that it is "right for you to want them" - than anything else.
At 1000 miles away - given that you both lack life experience and personal awareness on some very fundamental levels - it'd be very difficult to "grow along parallel paths". Because hopefully, you're both living away from home, pursuing degrees taht YOU want to pursue and aren't regretting the sacrifice of the effort to do it. And you've each got personal plans and goals professionally, personally, and spiritually for yourself- witht he realization that none of those things will come to you - without you "going to them".
He sounds like he's definitely 'away from parental influence"......it's possible you are to. But he's experiencing being "independent" to te degree that a college student can - and hopefull you are too.
You've stopped calling home whenever your feeings are hurt, or you're scared about a grade, or that you're overextended on your meal plan...and you've learned to budget better, cope with emergencies, and handle your feelings becuase they're not facts or goals.
So you two are growing up...and a product of that is "growing apart".
All of a sudden - instead of what it was that he was brought up to believe "was right to want" - he's having optionsand opportunities that he never had before (don't read - other women). And he's realizing there is more out there than the "path" his parents put him on and it's up to him to find out what he wants in life - if he's to ever really like living his life.
That's all he's saying...and that is why he can't explain it. Because maturation is a mutlifaeted process. It's moments of subliminal awareness that you lack the experiencing in using that knowledge to form concrete opinions, ideas, goals, and statements. It's justthat you have this "knowledge" that there is more out there for you to explore and consider than what you have in the past.....
He's doing the smart thing...and you'd do well to follow his lead. Pursue your own paths, goals, and interests - become a complete and more self-aware and self-accepting person. Realize that whoever and whatever youo want to become - you won't be until you define ti and pursue it intelligent nad responsibly. And then go out there and life.
Maybe you haven't realized it yet - but the transition from being someone's child - under their roof and wing and providership - is living in alot of rules, requirements, obligations, and restrictions - all designed to keep you safe from your own lack of experience and maturity.
But real life as an adult - isn't like home, or school, or church or jail - there are rules to follow...but there are infinitely more options and oppoprtunities to pursue than there are "rules" to keep you confined...unless you go around fixated on the rules and seeing how often and how dangerously you can break them!
So, it's up to you both to go out and become complete, mature, secure, successful, self-defined adults.........so that you can appreciate the people that later in life you choose as partner for who they are - not becuase they're a safe haven in a sea of inexperience that you're afraid to venture out in on your own.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
As far as a reason why he decided to move on? Well without interviewing both of you on a polygraph and under a hot light bulb, I doubt anyone will know exactly why. I'm pretty sure even your ex doesn't know all the reasons. Take comfort from the fact that sometimes things just don't work out. It stinks, doesn't it? I sure wish I had more for ya Darlin'.
This is a terrific time to try something new. I say that because right now you have a pretty big hole in your schedule. The amount of time during each day you devoted to thinking, writing, calling.... you have all that time back now. Use it to try new things. Lean to swim, join the debate team or excercise. Doesn't matter what you do, but dedicating that time, each day to doing something physical will help. Oh and being out there might lead to some cool new friends....
Hope you feel better soon.
The first major break-up bites! I remember feeling totally blindsided like you were, but almost not surprised. Men always leave clues when they want to leave. I kept beating myself up for not seeing it (or at least denying that there was a problem). Don't do that to yourself, either. It's only been 6 days. And the emotional rollercoast may continue for a while, but go through it. The best policy for now is to take one day at time. Celebrate all the good days and cry on all the bad ones. Talk to all your friends and pour your heart out. The good friends won't mind that you've told them the same sob story for the umpteenth time. You already have a good plan. Work through the pain and DON'T CALL HIM. Right now it just hurts to much to even hear his name. I remember it hurt to even hear loves songs on the radio. And everywhere I went there were reminders of him. I saw him or reminders of him everywhere. Even in the DVD section of Best Buy (I saw the DVD of the movie we saw on our first date)! Let yourself heal and don't let anyone tell you to just get over it! That's thoughtless and totally cruel. Do these people actually think that you want to hurt this much??!! Coddle yourself. You WILL get through this!
P