Trying to Understnad it

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2004
Trying to Understnad it
4
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:09pm

I guess I want answers, but I guess I can't get them, which is making it harder for me to get over this!!I keep racking my brain about what just happened & it's driving me crazy! I must think so much when I am sleeping because I always wake up many times in the night still thinking about it.

Does this make sense to anyone?? i know I have posted it before, but I need to get it out again!! My X gets an apartment for us to live in, we go furniture shopping together & buy our things, tells me how excited he is to move in & start our lives together. Asks me if I am ready for marraige soon, takes me ring shopping, BUYS me a ring! (didn't propose yet though), talks about our budget so we can have our wedding & buy a house next year, talks about when we should start a family. Mind you HE would bring all these stuff up first, I never put pressure on it. IN fact, I said "let's live together for a few months first & then possibily get engaged". He agreed, but then went out and bought the ring I picked out the next week! Can't stop talking about how excited he is, tells me to leave my job & move over sooner then I had planned (so, I resigned). Our last weekend together was amazing, we started getting our place situated, everything we do he says ""I can't wait to do this EVERY day together" etc etc. Even asks what things we register for since we are buying everything already.... Then 4 days later says it's moving too fast & maybe we aren't ready for this. I ask "then what?", and he says "we have always been great friends".... well, a month goes by & I get an occasional short email from him. At 4 weeks he calls saying "I didn't mean to break up, that's not how the conversation was suppose to go, I don't know what happened. I have been miserable, I miss you, I love you- you are the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't get everything out of my head, I am depressed, I can't sleep, my life is suppose to be with you, I can't believe I self-sabotaged this relationship, it is all my fault etc etc". I still stood my ground and said "I am very hurt, I don't know what will happen, you have alot of making up to do". His last words were "I know, I am ready to give it 100%, I have alot of proving to do".... we made plans to meet the next day, he was suppose to call first.... I never heard from him...

He was practically crying on the phone- why would he do this??? This hurts even more now!! It makes NO SENSE to me!!!!! I emailed on Sunday night bascially saying "How could you do this to me? WHY would you hurt me??" He never responded....

And no, he did not get in an accident or anything because I see he has been on his myspace page....

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:31pm

I don't think it's really possible for anyone to understand why someone who has a different set of issues or baggage from our own does what he or she does. We can only truly understand our own "stuff", if you will.

You'd never do something like that in a million years, I know...but HE IS NOT YOU. He is the type of person who WOULD do this. THAT is what you need to understand...not "why" he's like that, necessarily, just that he IS like that.

My most recent ex completely disappeared on me after a 1.5 year relationship...he just stopped contacting me with absolutely no warning and wouldn't return my phone calls or emails. I couldn't understand how someone could DO that to a person they supposedly loved...but my not understanding didn't change the fact that he DID it (and like you, I knew he was ok because I saw him active on dating sites).

I'm pretty sure you said that you've read "Men Who Can't Love" but if you haven't read it recently, you should pull it out again.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:52pm

Wow I thought I was the only one who can't come to terms with someone being good to you, showing affection etc. and then boom - a complete turnaround.

I thought I had seen it all with men - but, this one takes the cake -my head is still reeling from it.

Here is the clincher girls - this is the second time he has done it to me - please, please stop beating yourself up - believe me you don't want him back - don't question why because the only reason why is that they are spineless, weak human being unfortunatly with no conscience.

I keep hoping that he is suffering in some way for what he has done to me again but, i don't think he has lost any sleep over it, unlike myself. The person i am most angry at right now is myself for ever ever falling for it the second time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 2:30pm

HI KBI22

I BEEN FALLOWING YOUR POST HERE...BUT EVERYTHING IS MAKING THINGS COMPLICATED AND ACTUALLY DONT MAKE THINGS HARD FOR YOURSELF. STOP BLAMMING YOURSELF. YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING BAD AT ALL. IT JUST YOUR EXBF IS BEING A JERK.

I KNOW YOU GET ALL EXCITED ABOUT THE MOVE IN AND ALL THAT. ALSO YOU LOVE THIS GUY. WELL THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON. I DONT KNOW EITHER WHY LIFE IS TOO COMPLICATED.

BUT LIFE MUST GO ON. YOU NEED TO STAND AND SHOW HIM THAT HIS TOTALLY WRONG THAT HE DUMP YOU. MAKE HIM REGRET AND LET HIM SEE YOUR VALUE.

YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF YOUR PAST...YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HAPPY..YOUR NOT GETTING YOUNGER ANYMORE...GOOD LUCK

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 9:12pm
The fact that he said he "self-sabotaged" the relationships leads me to believe he might be a commitment-phobe. Such people really do sincerely want loving relationships; they just cannot allow themselves to progress there because of uncontrollable fear of commitment. Men Who Can't Love might really help you make sense of this.