two years of emotional abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2013
two years of emotional abuse
6
Sun, 02-10-2013 - 1:09pm

I need to vent... its okay if you dont want to listen. But I've been extremely bottled up for two years. I've been dating someone who is my family friend. Hes been in my life since we were children and we only became friends when were about 21.. (we are 24 now). Our relationship was a worldwind rollercoaster of drunken adventures.. beautiful dates.. trips all over the place. I loved him with my whole heart. The problem is he never wanted to commit to me. His exgf, as annoying as she was, would never fail to pop up in conversation, on facebook, etc. I ignored it, kept doing my thing, I am strong and passionate. I confronted him several times and it was always a screaming match. 

Now two years later, he has a hold on me. Its like one fight with him and my world comes down. I cry and struggle and can't get myself out of my bed. I find no happiness and lost interest in so much. He has thrown me off my path and I never feel better until I hear from him, talk to him. Its like he knows this and yet still fucks around with my emotions and feelings. The other night- I got really drunk and I confronted him. I said everything that was on my mind including that I thought he was a liar and cheater and he did not deserve me or anyone because he did not know what love is. He thinks I ' dicked him over' but really, is it a crime to say whats on my mind? Subconsciously I know I have to let him go and kick him out of my life. But since he is  a part of my family's community it is hard to get away. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't chase someone who no longer makes me happy yet I can't stop being a pyscho path who calls him repeatedly just to cry... He ruins me. My friends dont even know about this because frankly I know they must be sick of hearing about him disappointing me time and time again. He says he loves me alot but I drive him crazy and he does not have time for this conflict. Seriously? If you care about someone shouldnt you give them the time of day? I am so sick of how I feel.. and I dont know how to get way.. help me god

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Sun, 02-10-2013 - 1:45pm

Just because he is part of a family friend, you dont have to continue to live with him. The first major step that many people fail to recognise is that the relationship is abusive. You have recognised it and that in itself is a major achievement. The next thing to do is to break off . You have to . You cant change an abusive person.You cant live with them. The only thing you can do is to get help from friends and family and leave. Confine in family.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sun, 02-10-2013 - 7:01pm

Hello,

You two are co-dependent upon each other. You need to get help to learn how to break away from each other, you especially also need to address the drinking. It's not helping.

My only other piece of advice: NEVER, EVER hang your self-esteem on one person's opinion. You need to learn how to break away from this unhealthy relationship and learn what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2012
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 1:50pm

Enchantedgirl988,

We have some great resources for Domestic Abuse:

If you are in danger, please seek help immediately by calling 911, your local authorities, or the Domestic Violence Hotline,  1-800-799-SAFE . Please also check out our Crisis Information & Community Website.

Also you can go over to our members posts here and read how others handled situations of abuse.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 5:32pm

  I am with Wisdomtooth  on your post.  This is like oil and water.  Both  you and he have a destructive effect on each other.  Wheather it is sexual lust or emotional addiction to each other it is not functional for either.  Yes then you need to control your emotional dependence.  Being in the same social circle is difficult but not undoable.  These relationships happen.  It is good that you recognize that this is not healthy for either and can find a way to wean yourself from the emotional ties.

chaika

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 02-18-2013 - 4:13pm

enchantedgirl988 wrote:
<p>I need to vent... its okay if you dont want to listen. But I've been extremely bottled up for two years. I've been dating someone who is my family friend. Hes been in my life since we were children and we only became friends when were about 21.. (we are 24 now). Our relationship was a worldwind rollercoaster of drunken adventures.. beautiful dates.. trips all over the place. I loved him with my whole heart. The problem is he never wanted to commit to me. His exgf, as annoying as she was, would never fail to pop up in conversation, on facebook, etc. I ignored it, kept doing my thing, I am strong and passionate. I confronted him several times and it was always a screaming match. </p><p>Now two years later, he has a hold on me. Its like one fight with him and my world comes down. I cry and struggle and can't get myself out of my bed. I find no happiness and lost interest in so much. He has thrown me off my path and I never feel better until I hear from him, talk to him. Its like he knows this and yet still fucks around with my emotions and feelings. The other night- I got really drunk and I confronted him. I said everything that was on my mind including that I thought he was a liar and cheater and he did not deserve me or anyone because he did not know what love is. He thinks I ' dicked him over' but really, is it a crime to say whats on my mind? Subconsciously I know I have to let him go and kick him out of my life. But since he is  a part of my family's community it is hard to get away. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't chase someone who no longer makes me happy yet I can't stop being a pyscho path who calls him repeatedly just to cry... He ruins me. My friends dont even know about this because frankly I know they must be sick of hearing about him disappointing me time and time again. He says he loves me alot but I drive him crazy and he does not have time for this conflict. Seriously? If you care about someone shouldnt you give them the time of day? I am so sick of how I feel.. and I dont know how to get way.. help me god</p>

You can care about someone, love them even, and still know that they've got issues you are not equipped to deal with or have to deal with.

Alcohol consumption to the point of being drunk and out of control appears to "unleash the Kraken" when it comes to you.  It might be a good idea to spend the next 6 months sober while you're trying to get a handle on this relationship ending.

This guy just might be one of those guys who loves the chase and fun, but is not interested in the day to day, nuts and bolts of the obligation of relationships.  You are wanting him to be that way and instead of accepting who he is at face value, you tantrum over what he isn't able or willing to be.  All rollercoasters have to come back to the gatehouse to let the riders off.  He can't sustain a whirlwind indefinitely--that's like chasing the first high off of heroin--you'll never get that high ever again and you end up chasing something that will never be.

I don't see how you speaking your mind is you d-ing him over... one has nothing to do with the other.

You know what his problem is--he doesn't want to commit to you.  His loss.  There is no point in debasing yourself further by losing grasp of your dignity in front of him.  Always maintain your dignity and grace.  Get ahold of yourself, find a therapist to help you find your way out of this minefield before you blow off a limb. They will help you find your way back to your path and how to never again find yourself so far afield of it in the future.

Since he is a part of the community in which you and your family reside, you are going to have to find a way to not allow yourself  to be pushed beyond your endurance when it comes to him.  He may pop up one day with another woman with him---and that is where you having a good grip on your dignity and grace will be a blessing.  It is inevitable---if you give the situation as much power as you've been giving it, you will prostrate your dignity on the ground before all to see.  We can't have that, now, can we?  You will have to go deep inside yourself and find that core of worth you know you have, hold your head up high, wish him well and keep it moving.  That will be the one thing he will never in a million years expect out of you.

If you need to "get away", then make a plan to do so.  The first step, I would say, is talking to a therapist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Mon, 02-18-2013 - 5:13pm

I think many times the truth flies out of our mouths in tense situations, in your case when you were drunk.  You two don't sound like there's a strong "anything" between you.  Saying he has a "hold" on you - that's not a positive statement at all, it feels as though you've allowed him to gradually take control and prefer to just stay in bed rather than get up and get yourself out of this situation.  I've dealt with control troubles, too - my DH is a VERY controlling guy and yet when I look back I have to be honest with myself and say I allowed him to be controlling.  If you have to fight tooth and nail to feel good being with him, and if you really are screwing with each other, are you thinking that will change?  Because I don't hear it.  I think if you spent some time apart that THEN you'll be able to see you need to re-take control of your own life.  Re-read your post, everything you had to say about him is negative.  If it's that bad.....