Two years -- Just Broke Up
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| Thu, 04-19-2007 - 12:55pm |
My boyfriend of two years broke up with me last night. I can honestly say I have never felt this low, hurt, unworthy and without hope in my life.
We had a wonderful, easy relationship, that was 100% committed, serious, passionate and enjoyable. We never argued. We were always surrounded by great friends and family. We had hobbies together and incredible memories of vacations, friends' weddings, traveling, inside jokes and everything else elated couples have. The past six months have been rocky. We live 35 miles apart and both have busy schedules, so it could be hard to see each other during the week. Every weekend I went out to his house and that was our main time together. In the fall, I brought up us moving in together. My roommate was moving out to live with her boyfriend and it seemed like a natural step. He balked and felt we were not 100% ready at 1.5 years. We went on from there, but had some rough patches along the way. We talked about how our relationship and the future. Though we didn't feel much outside pressue to make the next step (I'm 27, he is 33), we weren't getting any younger. We did not push each other and did some more introspection. It was clear to me. I had been incredibly in love with him for a long time and knew in my heart that he was the one for me. He loved me, but he was not entirely sure of our future. It was okay. We both wanted to make it work, so we continued on. Things of late had been good.
Last night he came over and said he was in the midst of a panic attack and that he'd been thinking about all of this for awhile and more so over the past weeks and the only thing the past few days. He said he loved me so much and it killed him to hurt me and he'd rather lose an arm than to hurt me, but he didn't know about us and was confused. He said that he felt, after two years and at 33 years old, he should know at this point if he wanted to be with me on a different level. And he didn't know. I told him it was okay, every couple is on a different schedule and that we weren't pressuring each other. He said that he thinks maybe that was the problem -- if we're okay with the status quo and not feeling pressure, then it's not good. That this could be as far as we're going to get. His fear was that we'd wake up a year from now with nothing changed and it would be a lot more hurtful for us both at that point. I told him that relationships are unknown and can't be calculated and that we couldn't know whether we would grow together, we'd just have to have faith in the relationship. He said he didn't think he could do that and couldn't put more into it.
From the start his focus has been on work and love has taken a back seat. I've been more even with my priorities. We shared the ultinmate goals of marriage and children, but were on different time tables, I think. He has had some committment problems in the past. An engagement he ended several years ago and before me, a few girlfriends he'd date for a year or so, get freaked out about the future and walk away from. And he's done that here.
I told him last night that while it hurts to know that I'm not the one for him, or if he is so confused about it is unwilling to try to make it work, that it hurts more that I thought he was it for me.
It was a surreal talk and we both cried. It was horrible to watch him leave. And to be alone. I need to go to his house to pick up my things and leave my key. But if I do, it means that it's done. I want him to see my things and think of me, I don't want him to just forget and move on so easily.
I know this is hard for him and I am not angry -- this is how he feels. It's almost worse to know that he can't be blamed and that we're both hurting. I stayed home from work today and had to do some unpleasnt things. Cancel a golf date with his mom, delete a website I made for us, put the photos away. Friends are saying not to close the door on this, that he's confused and anxious and it's easier for him to take energy out of the relationship and close it down than to balance love with his other priorities. But that the door isn't closed and this isn't the end. But I feel like it is. And I don't want to float on false hope. And I don't want to wait for him to come back when he isn't.
I feel so completely unworthy and it makes me sick to my stomach to think of him with someone else -- no one is in the picture, but one day there will be someone. In the meantime I feel like if only I was smarter, prettier, thinner, funnier that it';d be enough for him. I have weekends open in front of me and nothing to fill my time, it seems. We have so many mutual friends and I've grown so close to his family, his coworkers. I just feel so hurt that he can end this because of the unknown and being scared when he looks at me with tears in his eyes telling me how much he loves me, and then can walk out.

I understand how you feel. My ex and I went through a similar situation. We are trying to work things out, but it's a struggle (see "Think it might happen, again" if you're interested). I can tell you that this is going to be a hard time. For me, it was wrought with various emotions from one day to the next (hell, from one hour to the next). The important thing is if you focus on healing yourself, then you WILL get through it. I think many of the women, and some men, who come to this board, come because they know that they need a better understanding of what happened. This is a great place to vent, get some perspective, and also commiserate with lots of people who are going through the same thing. If you can focus on healing and understanding, and not getting him back, you will be better prepared if someone else comes along or he does come back. This will be easier said than done, as it was in the back of my mind for a while. I feel that "no contact" is a rule. I encourage you to not contact him for a minimum of 30 days. A lot of people will tell you, if you break the "no contact" rule, they always felt worse afterward. I sent a brief note to mine after 30 days just telling him I valued his friendship, and I never got a response and it hurt like hell for a good month. Try to live without the stuff that is at his house, and buy new things if you need to. It sounds like he still cares about you, and if he has things that belong to you, he'll find a way to get them to you.
Take care of yourself.
Oh hun, I feel your pain. 2 month ago I had almost the same exact thing happen with my BF of 2 years, it was like we were on two differnt time lines, IN HIS HEAD. It's tough, I mean one night we even had an "tiff" on whether or not I was ready to settle down...and I'm not but he didn't believe me and he still has at least 5 more years before that was going to happen and I was ok with it, but obviously he didn't think i was. I think that some of my break up had to do with the commitment freak-out too like in your case.
Now like you I was totally ready to hold on to hopes of him realizing what he was throwing out, but it's just that, HE needs to realize it. For now, since it is so new you can, in my opinion, hold on to hope and leave the door open, just realize what it is going to do to you. It's going to be tough, and yes maybe he will get his head out of his butt and realize what is in front of him, but maybe he won't and you can't wait around for that...you have to move on...and it will take time to realize that there was a reason that you two broke up. That something was wrong with the relationship, and it sounds like it was all him, which unfortunatly makes you feel out of controll. and it sucks. Right now you are looking at it with rose colored glasses, only thinking about the good stuff, but seriously, start to take a look at what was broken in your relationship. I did the same thing, going to see him every weekend...but did your guy ever come down to see you? did he offer to pay gas? did he get excited every weekend to see you and shower you with kisses from missing you? Mine didn't for almost the majority of the LDR...that was one broken crack. When you are ready, and it will take time, you may see what was bad about the relationship...
At the same time he might come back, so don't burn your bridge but please remember that the most important person right now is you, and you need to take care of yourself and remember how far are you going to let him drag your heart around. Stay strong and everything will work out! Hope this helps!
oh erin i'm so sorry you're going through this. i know it must be so confusing because you have no idea what's wrong or what caused him to feel this way. my ex did the same thing, he looked at me with tears in his eyes (and even crying his eyes out at some point) and said he just doesn't feel this is it. he doesn't see his life with me. and it hurt so much because your first thought is, well what is it about me that makes him not love or care for me that much? what about me is not loveable enough for someone to imagine their lives with me. and what's even harder is that you know that despite the hurt that they are causing you you can't hate them because you can't hate someone for feeling this is not it. it's not like he intentionally set out to hurt and humiliate you.
all i can say is that it's NOT you. don't feel like if you were more this or more that things would change. i'm struggling wih the same thing now but i think i'm getting better in not placing the blame on who i am. you are who you are and you deserve to be with someone who loves all that you are. this is about them just not feeling this is 100% right. and you know part of it may be because they are scared and maybe with some time off they'll realize they are making a mistake but part of it may be that they just don't feel it in their gut in which case i feel like we have to accept it and move on.
right now, try to focus on making yourself feel better. try to focus your energy on doing things that you love (for me it was hard because so many things that i loved doing, i loved doing with him - but i'm rediscovering things that i like to do which is great) and get as much support from your friends and family as you can. he may regret it and may come back so don't completely shut him out but for now that shouldn't be your focus. i made the mistake of seeing him a few times, and although it's ok and i'm fine (maybe because deep down i know he's not THE ONE), it still makes it harder every time. so try to stay away and heal. it'll hurt but at least if you try to get stronger then whatever the outcome is, you'll be able to deal with it since you'll know by then that you're ok with or without him.
good luck!