UGH :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
UGH :(
8
Tue, 07-03-2007 - 11:52pm

UGH. He's at the fireworks in the city (I LOVE the 4th and fireworks and was so jealous when a friend invited him to go there on a boat and I wasn't invited). I texted him because after a nice night with a friend and my sis, I was feeling more positive about things and thinking he couldn't get over it THAT quickly and there was some hope and he must still love me. Essentially, his responses indicated that he was having a great time meeting FUN people (bc I guess I'm not) and that he's realizing how different our values are and though he loves me, he's not sure we're "IT".

Ugh. Now I'm back to crying again. I feel so stupid, rejected, worthless, sad and just plain nauseous. :(

Michelle :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: michelle76nj
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 12:04am

Hi Michelle,


I've been reading Sandra's advice to you, so I gotta ask after this set back, is this the place you want to stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: michelle76nj
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 12:10am

No, I do not want to stay here. It sucks, it hurts and I'm tired :(

I KNOW all the advice about not texting, calling, emailing, IMing, blah blah. I will get better. I KNOW it's not good, but I have this overwhelming urge to be in contact. So funny I have read about it before and thought "what's up with those girls?" Even when my XH divorced me after 7 years together (which I didn't want), I was somehow able to give him an immense amount of space and can't remember one time I initiated a contact in a year of separation that wasn't necessary for the house or something. With THIS guy, I fall apart when he shuts me out. I hate that he has this power over me. I know it sounds pathetic when what I want to be is strong. Maybe I'm afraid he WON'T miss me. I know that would tell me something and I'd be better off, blah blah, but god it hurts. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: michelle76nj
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 12:41am

I'm going to share two interesting things with you:


::I KNOW it's not good, but I have this overwhelming urge to be in contact.


1) that's called obsession - LOL


2) everything you typed before the word BUT you negated and basically erased with the word BUT


It's ok to wallow in obsession for awhile, when you are ready to be out of that spot, you will be.


Thought Stopping Techinques


Breaking the Compulsive Calling Cycle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: michelle76nj
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 1:25am

Yes, you are right. I know I am obsessing. It is frustrating. I just spent the last hour IMing with a friend and feel better. I know I need to get busy thinking about something else when thoughts of him pop up. I do recognize rationally that I can't "fix" things or make him stay by simply saying "one more thing" or keeping in contact. I think I just have a hard time stepping back and letting go bc I did that with the XH and he still left. I know I have control issues. BLeah.

Thank you for the links. I'll look into them. And it feels better just to post and get it out in the hopes that in these weak moments SOMEONE will remind me that I AM better than this behavior. It makes me shudder when I look back on it a few minutes, hours, or days later.

Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: michelle76nj
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 1:40am

LOL - I hear you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: michelle76nj
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 1:47am

No kids around, but I am a teacher and I know that when I return to school in a couple of weeks (I teach in a year-round school), I will be so busy during the day, I won't have time to think. By then I hope to have things under control, but especially if the break continues, I will definitely welcome the busy schedule.

I do WISH I had nieces and nephews, but I'm fortunate to have friends who can be there and message boards where I SHOULD have expressed my feelings in the first place. Hopefully I purged enough all over him today that I will shut up in the coming days/ weeks with more success.

Thanks.

Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
In reply to: michelle76nj
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 8:57am

I would also suggest you read "The Zen of Doing Nothing". Even if you have to read it 6x/day, everyday, to remind yourself why it's better not to contact right now.

I found it helpful to tell myself that I'm not calling/texting/emailing *today*...maybe tomorrow, or maybe in a couple of days if I feel like it, but NOT today. Everyday I told myself the same thing. And you know what - after a couple of weeks, it really became much, much easier, to the point that sometimes I forgot all about it! Then if the urge to contact struck again, I reread The Zen of Doing Nothing.

It really helped me take back my power and feel more in control of myself because *I* was choosing my actions, not emotionally reacting to whatever was or wasn't going on. Make sense?

Best of Luck!
zjaney

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: michelle76nj
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 12:34pm
Here's the link to Zen of Doing Nothing