Ugh, emotional rollercoaster!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Ugh, emotional rollercoaster!
3
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 2:39am
My boyfriend and I broke up a little over a year ago. We dated for three and a half years, and it was a pretty serious and deep relationship. At the end, I was going through some tough family and life stuff and he was just starting his career. We broke it off mutually, but we were still very much in love. We still talked everyday on the phone like we did while we were in the relationship, but about a week after the breakup, he didn't call at all. So I did the biggest no-no possible--I called him and called him, usually hysterical. After he called me back, a week later, things were different and he said that I had pushed him away by being so needy. We stopped talking for a while, and then around Xmas, we saw each other again, and ended up sleeping together. I brought up the subject of, "why don't you want to be with me" and he closed up and we didn't talk again for a few months. On my birthday in May, he came out with my friends and I, and picked up the entire tab. He was really friendly and flirty with me, and spent the night with me again, although we just cuddled. He said something that night like, "I know I love you." The next day things were great, but a couple of days later, I ended up saying something really stupid about another girl to him and we stopped talking, yet again. I apologized and he contacted me after about a month. It went on like this through the summer--we'd talk and then nothing for a few months. Mostly when we got together, I'd just fall apart because I missed him so much, which would just make him shut down and close up. His job takes a lot of his time, which I understand, and he spends a few nights a week with his friends. We stopped talking again at the end of October, and I decided that it really was time for me to move on, because I was an emotional wreck. He would say he loved me, and we'd have a great time, but when I broached the subject of getting back together, he'd close up or just mutter "I don't know." I left him alone and I was fine until he contacted me out of nowhere a few days ago. We ended up talking all night long, and then meeting for breakfast. It was a really good time. When I was about to leave, he asked me what I was doing this weekend, and I said I had to work and he said that we'd figure something out to get together. I talked to him one time since then, and I was able to broach the subject of getting back together very well, I have to say, but he said that he couldn't date anyone with his lifestyle right now, because work demands a lot of his time, and he likes his single life. He said that when we got together a few days before, he did still have feelings for me. I told him that I want to fix things and he said that he just wants to be friends. He also mentioned a girl that he's interested in, and when I asked him about it, he said that he's liked a lot of girls and nothing has ever come of it. He seems closed to the idea of us fixing things and getting back to where we were, but he still has feelings for me. Is he just scared? I want to think that he's just scared that he'll fall back in love with me too easily-- as cocky as that sounds. I don't mean it to. He hasn't talked to me since, and I don't want to call and seem desperate. So what's going on? Should I try to fix things? Or just drop him altogether?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 10:03am
Aw honey, definately drop him all together. For some reason guys have a way of keeping that small glimmer of hope alive, which is so unfair and inconsiderate. I went through a similar situation with my BF about two years ago... at first I was pathetic, we would get back together, with all the happy hopes on my part, in reality, it was for his sexual satisfaction. After a few weeks of this emotional rollercoaster, I finally had enough, and told him it was over for good, I am too good of a woman to be taken advatage of like that, and all he could say was but Weezie, the sex is so good. My reply was, well, your loss, find someone else to feed your BS to. We had NC for about 6 weeks, he would text me now and again, like, "wanna do it?" or, "are you horny", and I would respond "NO" and that was it, he would continue and I would ignore him. After about NC for a solid three weeks, and I was healing, he called. I was so shaken up, and I answered, well, he begged and pleaded to get back together, and I was like, I dont know, etc... I wanted to soooo bad, I love this man, but I agreed to a dinner. He poured it out, admitted how miserable he was, cried, missed me, missed US, tried to date other girls to forget about me, but noone was "Weezie". After a few weeks of being very cautious, I agreed t to try again, and this man has moved mountains to make me happy. It was really all my attitude and neediness that changed, I became a differnt person...stopped nagging him, being negative and mainly insecure, and took on the "whatevers meant to be" attitude. We just celebrated our four year anniversary and couldn't be happier. So I think letting him go, you know the old stupid but true saying, if you love someone set them free.... really is a golden rule to see if this man really has any intention of putting your feelings before his, because if he doesn't then he is just selfish and not ready to give up the single life. So if you love this man, tell him its over, and tell him to NEVER call you again, he will be a jerk maybe about it, but stand your ground...if like after a month he sees what he loves and misses, he will return on one knee (like my BF) and if not, well then he wasnt worthy of your heart, and by a months end, if you dont dwell on the what ifs, and NEVER (try) think about him, well you will be on your way to happiness without him.
Keep us informed, please...and good luck, I swear it gets better!!!
hugs,
Weez
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 10:23am
I’d say, drop him. I went through the exact same thing with my ex and I only wish I would have followed my own advice. He’s just stringing you along just to have you around when it’s convenient for him. My ex would go days without calling me and when I’d call to ask what was wrong, it was always that he was going through things and had nothing to do with me. Then when I’d set my mind to think that it was over, he’d call me up out of the blue, all jolly and what not, like he just didn’t spend an entire week ignoring me. And when I tried to question his antics, I was called “paranoid”, “insecure”, “whiny”, you name it, he had a name for me. Well, I totally lost it gave him a good cussing out once and for all. Needless to say, he hasn’t called in a while. I tried calling numerous times to apologize for losing my cool, but he claims he’s afraid of my temper. Yeah, like it’s all my fault that we don’t talk anymore. The sad part is is that I still love this guy and he could probably call me up right now and say, “let’s get together tonight,” and I’d probably do it. Don’t be weak like me. Get off the rollercoaster ride now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 5:58pm
I know this probably isn't what you'd like to hear, but I agree with the other two. Drop him. Let him know he can't put you through this. And like the other girls, I have my own story similar to yours, except mine is just starting. I've been with my boyfriend for over two years, and I can honestly say I think he is the one. Our relationship is amazing, I love him so much, but I'm on an emotional rollercoaster too. See, I'm ready for more, and he's not. It really hurts to see that he doesn't want the same things I do. He's unsure about us and the future, and it drives me crazy. I'm actually in this message board looking at other people's problems so I don't have to focus on my own, haha. I'm struggling a lot because in a few weeks, after the holidays pass, I'm going to break up with my boyfriend. I'm really hoping it'll only be temporary, but that's all up to him. I want him to take some time and figure out if I'm what he wants or not, because being in this grey area just hurts, and I can't take it anymore. I've learned that there comes a time where you need to put your own needs first. You can't let yourself be hurt over and over again by some guy. Sometimes you just have to let go. If he doesn't want you the way you want him, then it may just not be worth it. So I agree, let him go. If he wants you, really wants you for good, then he'll figure it out. But you can't let yourself be tortured by him.