UGH! How long to trust and date again?
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| Sun, 01-21-2007 - 1:54pm |
Compulsive liar - Chapter 2!
So I wrote last weekend after finding out that my boyfriend of nearly 2 years was a compulsive liar. Since then, I'm beginning to everything he told me us probably lies.
HOWEVER, I just found out yesterday that some people who knew us both suspected he'd been doing drugs. He knows I don't like them... and so he of course never did them around me. I knew he had a history when he was younger, but now, I'm remembering little things that point to those suspicions being true.
Ugh. I know I can't look back but geez... makes me feel blind and like I'll never be able to trust anyone again!
Those of you going through breakups... especially those who knew also dated compulsive liars... how long did it take you before were able to date again?

Being a guy I can only speak for a close woman friend of mine.
In her case it was two weeks.
MG
I dated a guy once who I found out near the end was a liar about pretty much everything.
Very good info! Thanks... sounds just like mine. 2 years... but I didn't find out (although I knew some things were off) about the compulsive liar and the possible drugs until after I'd broken up. I have to say... not at ALL sad about the breakup now.
And especially thanks for the advice about taking it out on other guys. I'm really afraid I'll do that. A friend of mine is dating a new guy and I was telling her to get background checks - not that that would have helped my situation.
Thanks agian!
First off- sorry for what you are going through :(.
Erica,
Wow... you sound just like me - except that we weren't living together and he didn't take any money mostly because I always felt like something wasn't quite right, so I wouldn't let him move in. I am in therapy... that's what actually gave me the strength to finally break it off.
Your advice about the books is great. I've read "Bouncing Back" (by Joan Rivers but it helped a TON) and am currently reading "When Your Lover is a Liar." If you have another you suggest, let me know.
Thanks again!
K
Hi K-
That's great that you are already in therapy :)!
I'm not sure if the books I read would help you or not- "Without Conscience" by Robert Hare and "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout.
hey erica!!
i completely agree with you. we need to know whythi s happened before being able to move on. i've toyed with MANY explanations fo why it happened. the cold sudden cheating. the no regret. after 4 ears of PASSIONATE ABNORMAL LOVE ( he carved my name on his hand with a blade in this one fight where i told him he's just playing me for a fool). Drank poison to convince me of his undying love and wehad to go the hospital. i was living in guilt and depression coz yet somehow i couldnt quite buy his "love/marriage" plans for me.
and he was so cold and unfeeling when he broke up. the one month post chetaing when we were still trying to work it out ( at my insistence) he said this is happening to us coz he is so darn handsome that girls are throwing themselves at him ( after for years he leftthe country to do his Masters and within one month cheated on me). he was severely delusional would in all serousness say things like "one day i will rule the world". he is 22. he is extremely light skinned and went on about his "aryan race". when we made love ( which was deeply unsatisfying) it was as if he were performing infront of a camera. like he was making love to himself. had an unhealthily close relationship with his mom.
i'd love to think he was a sociopath. but probably the more logical exlanation is he lost his head when he went to the states. we had always planned to marry. but within 3 weeks on going there he said he'd come down in dec to get engaged. and the next week he cheated . and broke up saying. its over. he doesn't love me. and the promises? oh they were in a "moment"!
he says he can never adjust in india ever again. hates his parents. said he has to do "what he is born to do". he also said he doesn't want to miss out on anything "fun". and the girls there are are "very pretty and easy" and i'm too "weak" for him unlike girls there ( he made me weak!! coz my ambitious nature and great prospects intimidated him - he'd say i should "cut out the feminist liberalcrap and be a cute stay at home")he said he'd find someone better.
is he a sociopath or is he an idiot?or is it me?really what happ to him? his best friends told me to move on coz he's a bastard. a weird one atthat. i said he wsa with me 4 years. he said that was the exception. THIS madness is his true nature. i was in shock for the longest time. over how someone so MADLY in love could change in ONE MONTH OF LDR . maybe thats how men aare wired. no feelings. maybe they are all sociopaths.
heck, isn't that everyone's story ?? of weird unfeeling boyfriends already looking for new prospects? that's how much they really cared!
I know what you mean! With mine, several red flags for years I ignored - I so wanted to believe and trust him. Then I broke up with him because I just couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't until a week later when I delivered his stuff to his mom's house and I found out that she didn't know who I was or that she wasn't moving that I realized the bad "feeling" I'd had all along was about the lies. That sent me into 'why' mode. Now, reading these books, and especially hearing that drugs may be the reason, is giving me an opportunity to move on. Even if the drugs thing is not true, it gives me a 'why' and that's giving me some form of closure.
And I absolutely love what you said about expecting rational behavior from an irrational person.
Do you ever bump into your ex? I'm in a big city, and he (read: mommy) lived in the 'burbs as it was, so I'm thinking I won't ever see him again. I really don't want to. There's a part of me that pitys him now, which is good, I guess, but I got suckered into this relationship when he prayed on my emotions. I just want to forget he ever existed.
Thanks again!
k
Actually, when he left, he literally moved less than a mile away from me (I live in Chicago). I didn’t want to know where he went, but his address was on the papers for our court case. I can’t even tell you how sick I felt knowing that he was still that close by. Then, of course, I had to see him at court- that was torture. My last dealings with him were in March when I had him arrested, so I’m not sure if he is still here or not. The only reason I’m even concerned about it is because he never paid me my court settlement and I have to keep tabs on him to try and get my money. I will say that even though I’m in a good place right now, the thought of running into him again makes me want to vomit. I know I should pity him, but in my mind, he’s a monster and I never want to see him again- ever. What sucks is that he is pretty generic looking- meaning there are about 10,000 guys in this city who look exactly like him- so every once in a while, I’ll be on the train or in Starbucks and think I see him and freak out. I’m sure that will go away eventually but it will take some time J. I hope for your sake that you can avoid having to see your ex. Not having to worry about running into him will be one less thing you have to deal with.