Ugh, I'm so stupid
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| Tue, 03-07-2006 - 9:16am |
I fell in the whole "fix the emotionally unavailable playboy" trap that so many of my girl friends fall into. And I'm kicking myself for not having the hindsight - or, rather, I'm kicking myself for seeing exactly where it would end up but going ahead with it anyway.
Anyway, somewhere along the 4 months with him, I fell in love with him (of course, I'd never tell him) despite all the idiotic self-centered A-hole things he did. Love isn't logical right? There is no rational explanation. Fortunately, my brain knew that I couldn't stay in this relationship and allow myself to be treated this way, so I broke it off with him last week. The aftermath of my decision is completely devastating. I felt like I reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, threw it to the ground and watched as it beat helplessly against the pavement, slowly dying. Breaking up with someone I'm in love with has got to be one of the hardest things I've ever done.
I fell in the trap because I felt like he asked me to fix him. "Enkie, I know I'm an A-hole, but I really don't want to be that guy. I don't want to be that person." Also, the fact that I'm the first girl he wanted to be exclusive with made me think that this time things may be different for him. Ha! What a mistake.
I don't know if I have an actual question. I just feel very torn between my emotions. Every day it gets a little better. Any suggestions on how to distract myself from this complete vortex of loneliness?

It does take a lot of strength to break up with someone you are still in love with and I admire you for that. Most people would ride it out until either he dumped them or until it just got so bad they couldn't stand it anymore. Since you knew it was going to end anyway, isn't it better to have ended it on your terms, while you can still be proud of yourself?
As for how to deal with the loneliness, the best way is to get out of the house and stay busy. Go out with your girlfriends, join a gym (if you don't belong already), go to the park when the weather's nice -- anything to be out around people. I have to be at work really early so after working all day, I head straight to the gym and then often to the grocery store or whatever afterward. Usually by the time I get home all I have time to do is watch a little TV and then head to bed. The weekends are tougher -- I try to fill it with friends and activities and when I have a little spare time I go to our huge outlet mall and walk around. It just helps me to not be in my tiny little empty apartment, where there are constant reminders of him. And last night at the gym I spotted a man I used to see at the park last summer that I always found cute. We exchanged a smile and who knows... Whatever you do, you aren't going to find your future sitting on your sofa, that's for sure.
Steph
Thanks for cheering me up Steph. It's oddly comforting to have strangers empathize with your pain. There are good people out there!
My days are pretty busy. I go to the gym during lunch or have lunch with friends. After work I have night school, or else I have dinner and movie with friends, or I go to a yoga class. New York City has endless possibilities for things to do (thankfully). On the weekend, I do homework and go to the park, and parties with friends. Hopefully this pain will pass soon. Mornings are the toughest, that's when I think about him.
The tough thing is that I work for a university and he also works there (but fortunately in different schools). I go to work and it's so tempting to want to walk by his building or IM him. I know this breakup is tough for him too because he really tried (but not good enough). When we broke up, he said "I feel like i keep failing you. and in the end, ultimately, I think I will fail you too."
Well, it sounds to me like you should feel sad for him because he may be in for a life of loneliness. Has he considered counseling? If he really is recognizing he has a problem, maybe now's the time to address it. A counselor could help him work through why he keeps sabotaging his relationships. I'd say he is a commitment-phobic... The woman who is going to knock him on his butt will probably be the type who won't give a crap about him and will treat him like dirt. She'll never really open up to him and leave him hanging all the time. That's IF he can ever find someone like that. If not, he'll just have a lifelong string of broken hearts. They say the definition of insanity is repeating the same behaviors over and over again and expecting different results. Whatever the case, you deserve better than all that and you can have satisfaction in knowing that someday you will have an emotionally healthy relationship because you ARE emotionally healthy.
Steph
One of the hardest part is coming to terms that no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn't have worked out. I'm a traditionalist in that I think as long as you try hard enough, anything is possible. But I guess in this scenario, it doesn't apply.
I used to think life was as simple as: boy likes girl, girl likes boy, therefore girl + boy = happy together.
But in reality, what people don't tell you is: boy likes girl, girl likes boy, they both also like some other people, boy + issues and baggage + girl + paranoia and insecurity = miserable together.
Yeah, I don't think going for what you want really applies to matters of the heart. It's like that dorky 80s song. You have to hold on loosely. If you cling too tightly... Well, you know the rest! You can go for what you want in the sense of "going for" that really hot guy over in the corner at the gym that you have your eye on, but you can't force him to feel about you the way you feel about him. That's the beauty of love. When you do finally find someone who feels about you the way you feel about him, you'll appreciate it all the more because you'll know how hard it is to find. There are men with issues and baggage but the honest truth is, pretty much every man in the world is going to eventually find that one woman who makes him give it all up for her. You weren't that woman. And that means he's not the man for you...the man is still out there somewhere, probably with some girl he's really not all that interested in but is passing the time with until YOU come along. So get out there and find him. He's not going to be standing outside your ex-boyfriend's door.
Steph
I know it's painful, but you are learning an important lesson here...you can't FIX anyone except yourself. It's a lesson some people take a lifetime to learn, or never learn.
You took a risk...and it didn't work out. That's going to happen more times than you can count (not just in love), so learning to deal with the aftermath of a failed risk is also a valuable lesson.
I know, I know...you don't want lessons, you want to be free from this pain...but unfortunately that's going to take time. I can tell you from experience, though, that when it's all said and done, learning lessons DOES make the whole thing feel a little less awful in retrospect.
Sheri