Ugh! What should I do???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Ugh! What should I do???
7
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 4:01am
Hi...I've posted on here before about my ex-boyfriend and need more advice. We were friends for a few months, dated for a short time, broke up and were friends again, didn't speak for two months, and now we are "friends" again. By that I mean that we really are friends...we go out to dinner, see movies, spend time together, goof off...but nothing physical or intimate anymore. I want more...I really do...but it really does mess everything up between us because he isn't sure what he wants and the only thing I know that I want is to make out with him...ha! So...you can see that I still have feelings with him. Meanwhile, he's still hooked on his ex-girlfriend (before and after we dated) and he has another good, close female friend who he spends a lot of time with...but he says that there is nothing between them at all. It's apparent that most of his free time is spent with me...and I do like that...but it's causing me to get even more hooked on him. How do I just keep my feelings at bay and not want more...especially when he is so flirty and touchy feely when we are together? How do I not get jealous when he's out with his supposed "girlfriend"...even though they hardly see each other and their relationship is VERY co-dependent? I wish I could just turn off all my feelings for him and not think so much about him and about all of this when I'm not with him. I would love to do that but I'm wondering if he knows how I feel and is just playing around with me cuz things aren't how he'd like them with his "girlfriend". Also...when we were together, I wouldn't sleep with him because 1. I don't believe in sex before marriage and 2. he wasn't completely over his ex (who he is with again now) and I didn't want to compromise and give myself to someone who wasn't into me completely. I know that not sleeping with him has something to do with our breaking up...he says no, of course. Anyway...as you can see...it's a confusing mess and if I could just keep my feelings in check, things would be so much better!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 1:29pm

You're simply not ready to be friends with this man. A friendship only works if both people are over their romantic feelings for each other. In fact, the test for figuring out if you're ready to be friends is imagining that your ex is dating a great new woman. If you're not completely happy for him, you're just not ready to be friends.

Time to go back to "no contact" until you get to the point where hearing about his ex and other women doesn't cause you any heartburn.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 7:07pm

I would love to take your advice but how?? How do I just stop talking to him? I talk to him every day and spend time with him 3-4 nights a week. We went for 2 months with no contact and I HATED IT! I was miserable but I must say that the last month wasn't even as bad as the first...although I did miss him. Then he called me when I emailed him asking him a question and the rest is history...we are back to talking and spending time together again. It's not as bad as it was cuz my heart isn't as tied up into it all as much as it was before but he still has control over all the women in his life.

But how do you just STOP talking to someone that you really care about and want to be with??? I would love to just turn off my emotions but they are so strong right now.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 7:12pm

What I've done in similar situations is to send an email saying something like "I'm sorry but I have realized I need more time without contact before I can be friends with you. I thought I was ready but I'm not. I'll be in touch when I am. Thanks for your understanding."

As for the emotions, getting over someone takes three things: time, no contact and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you aren't right for each other (and he wouldn't have ended things in the first place if he thought you were).

It's not EASY, by any means, but it is simple. Don't have any contact with him, work on accepting that you're not right for each other, and let time do its work. I am now friends with several exes and am completely comfortable with them talking about their dating lives (and I ask their advice about mine!) but it took time to get there.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 11:07pm
So...do you ever think that a person can stay friends and just let time bring the relationship to a point where they won't get bothered when the other person is dating someone new? Or do you HAVE to break it off completely? Has anyone out there experienced this? I'm hoping that we can still stay friends and if I can just keep things in check, it will all be ok.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 1:18am

I'm sure there are situations where this has happened. I've just never experienced it, my friends have never experienced it, and in all the years I've been posting on these boards, I can't remember one instance where it happened that way. People try to fight it (everyone wants to think *their* situation is different, and I can totally relate!), but ultimately, a break is almost always necessary.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 11:08pm
If you want to get him out of your head....then you need to quit hanging out with him until you're over him....otherwise you're feelings are just going to grow stronger and stronger and you know you can't have him now....not when he's still hung up on an ex and has a gf. I know this is hard but just stay busy!!! We're here if you need support and advice. Good luck and keep us posted!!











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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 3:28am
Thanks so much for your encouragement! I really am doing ok with just hanging out with him but it's really going nowhere! I know that I'm wasting my time and that he's enjoying being able to manipulate the lives of three women...his current girlfriend (sort of!), his ex-girlfriend (me), and a friend who really likes him but he's not interested in. Meanwhile, we pretty much just do what he wants because we all are into him to some degree or another. Tonight, we just went out to dinner and then played a game on my computer...just talking, being silly, enjoying each other's company...I'm fine with that. I think over time, as long as he keeps his distance, I will be ok. The hard part is when he gets touchy feely and I want him more than ever!!! Or when he tells me about his plans going out with his gf...then in the next breath he totally bashes her and talks smack about her. It makes no sense to me but I do know that he probably does it to keep all of us happy...I bet he's talking smack about me to her, too...who knows? I guess if I had another guy in my life that I really liked, I could just drop him in a second, but I don't right now.