Ugh! What should I do???
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Ugh! What should I do???
| Sun, 11-28-2004 - 4:01am |
Hi...I've posted on here before about my ex-boyfriend and need more advice. We were friends for a few months, dated for a short time, broke up and were friends again, didn't speak for two months, and now we are "friends" again. By that I mean that we really are friends...we go out to dinner, see movies, spend time together, goof off...but nothing physical or intimate anymore. I want more...I really do...but it really does mess everything up between us because he isn't sure what he wants and the only thing I know that I want is to make out with him...ha! So...you can see that I still have feelings with him. Meanwhile, he's still hooked on his ex-girlfriend (before and after we dated) and he has another good, close female friend who he spends a lot of time with...but he says that there is nothing between them at all. It's apparent that most of his free time is spent with me...and I do like that...but it's causing me to get even more hooked on him. How do I just keep my feelings at bay and not want more...especially when he is so flirty and touchy feely when we are together? How do I not get jealous when he's out with his supposed "girlfriend"...even though they hardly see each other and their relationship is VERY co-dependent? I wish I could just turn off all my feelings for him and not think so much about him and about all of this when I'm not with him. I would love to do that but I'm wondering if he knows how I feel and is just playing around with me cuz things aren't how he'd like them with his "girlfriend". Also...when we were together, I wouldn't sleep with him because 1. I don't believe in sex before marriage and 2. he wasn't completely over his ex (who he is with again now) and I didn't want to compromise and give myself to someone who wasn't into me completely. I know that not sleeping with him has something to do with our breaking up...he says no, of course. Anyway...as you can see...it's a confusing mess and if I could just keep my feelings in check, things would be so much better!

You're simply not ready to be friends with this man. A friendship only works if both people are over their romantic feelings for each other. In fact, the test for figuring out if you're ready to be friends is imagining that your ex is dating a great new woman. If you're not completely happy for him, you're just not ready to be friends.
Time to go back to "no contact" until you get to the point where hearing about his ex and other women doesn't cause you any heartburn.
Sheri
I would love to take your advice but how?? How do I just stop talking to him? I talk to him every day and spend time with him 3-4 nights a week. We went for 2 months with no contact and I HATED IT! I was miserable but I must say that the last month wasn't even as bad as the first...although I did miss him. Then he called me when I emailed him asking him a question and the rest is history...we are back to talking and spending time together again. It's not as bad as it was cuz my heart isn't as tied up into it all as much as it was before but he still has control over all the women in his life.
But how do you just STOP talking to someone that you really care about and want to be with??? I would love to just turn off my emotions but they are so strong right now.
What I've done in similar situations is to send an email saying something like "I'm sorry but I have realized I need more time without contact before I can be friends with you. I thought I was ready but I'm not. I'll be in touch when I am. Thanks for your understanding."
As for the emotions, getting over someone takes three things: time, no contact and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you aren't right for each other (and he wouldn't have ended things in the first place if he thought you were).
It's not EASY, by any means, but it is simple. Don't have any contact with him, work on accepting that you're not right for each other, and let time do its work. I am now friends with several exes and am completely comfortable with them talking about their dating lives (and I ask their advice about mine!) but it took time to get there.
Sheri
I'm sure there are situations where this has happened. I've just never experienced it, my friends have never experienced it, and in all the years I've been posting on these boards, I can't remember one instance where it happened that way. People try to fight it (everyone wants to think *their* situation is different, and I can totally relate!), but ultimately, a break is almost always necessary.
Sheri