Uh oh....he's starting to call again
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| Mon, 06-13-2005 - 3:08pm |
Was with my ex for 12 years. We were engaged. Engagement lasted for 4 months. We broke up 3 months ago because of his excessive drinking and going out/staying late. At first, he wanted to get back together, I said no. Then it switched, and I wanted to get back together and he said no. He said that he couldn't commit to me and that he wanted us to grow individually and take a break from all of the fighting and torment. But during all this, he would keep calling me, telling me he loved me, he cared for me, he missed me, he still wants to be there for me, etc. At the same time, I'm finding evidence that he's been seeing other girls. So I'm trying to figure out why he's seeing other girls, and is still telling me he loves me, etc. He kept saying that maybe in the future, after we've done our individual growing, we could see where we stand and see if there's any possibility of rekindling anything. Finally I just told him to stop calling me. I told him that in order for me to move on, I couldn't have any contact with him because the more I stayed in touch with him, the more I kept obsessing about who he was with, what he was doing, etc. Well, he didn't heed my wishes. About 3 weeks ago, we got into a huge blowout which resulted in him calling me all sorts of hateful names - things I never thought I'd hear from someone I was with for 12 years. He called me for two days trying to smooth things over, left me VM's saying that he wanted to get back together with me, wanted us to get couples counseling, etc. I never returned his calls. So he stopped calling me for 3 weeks. Well over the weekend he starts calling me again. I finally pick up the phone last night, and he's telling me that he wants us to get back togther, he misses me, he loves me, he wants us to get married have kids, that I fulfill him and that I make him the happiest, and that life just isn't the same without me, and did I want to throw away 12 years, etc. So I tell him that I don't want to get back together with him, that's it's a bad idea, and that too much has happened in our relationship, and even in the last 3 months. He insists that he's changed, he's more responsible, etc., and that he wants us to be together.
So, what do I do? Of course I miss him and still love him. But I don't want to be stuck in the same relationship we had, and I'm hurt that he was seeing other women, even though we were broken up. I mean, he's single, I'm single, what we do now is our own business, right? It's not like we're cheating on each other, but, it still hurts, and I don't think I can get that image out of my head. I know that I shouldn't hold that against him, but it hurts that he could start forming relationships with these women so soon after we broke up. Another thing is that now that he wants me back, he thinks he can sweet talk himself back into my life? What about when I wanted us to get back together? He adamantly refused to, saying that he needed his space, he didn't want a commitment, didn't want the burden, wanted to feel what it's like to be a single man after 12 years, etc. And now that he's changed his mind, I'm to let him back in my life again?
I'm just confused. My head tells me to run as fast I can from him. My heart reminds me of the companionship I had in him, the best friend I had in him, the great times that he and I shared, etc. Any thoughts/comments?? I'm really confused over this one. I was doing so well without any contact with him then, BAM, I'm starting to get ideas of us getting back together again.
Thanks in advance for your words of wisdom!

hi there,
i think this guy wants you when you don't want him. it seems like he comes running when you're not pining. alot of times people just keep former flames around to have someone that likes them even when they feel unlikeable. it's very selfish and inconsiderate but it's something i've seen alot of people do...it's really unfair to you and no one deserves that kind of treatment.
also, if it hurts you to have the image of this guy with other women in your head, that is completely normal no matter what the circumstances (broken up or not.) Acknowledging that, he, after 12 years, should know and understand that that would hurt you and if he was telling you he loved you while he was doing things like that, it seems to indicate that this guy is not considerate of your feelings at all. He wants to be selfish and keep you around but not give up his freedom to be available, until you stop returning any affections or sentiment at all. You can do better and i think you're right to not want to talk to or have this guy in your life anymore.
i understand what you're going through and it took alot for me to finally put my foot down and say that it was getting out of hand. it hurt and i cried, alot, and now i'm just trying to put myself together and move forward. it's been a few days, but i know i'm better of knowing i don't need to worry about who he's dating, what he's doing or how it relates or compares to me. i still will sometimes but at least i know i won't be made a fool of by not walking away from someone who obviously doesn't have his act together when it comes to what he wants. if he figures it out and it's you, he'll move mountains to be with you and then you won't wonder - you'll know and it won't be such a mystery as to why, there'll be apologies and flowers and all the things that you need to be sure.
good luck and i hope that things get better soon.
hugs to you!
Has he stopped drinking? Tell him to call you when he's been sober and attending AA regularly for 12 months in a row and then you'll *consider* it.
Someone like your ex doesn't just get "more responsible" overnight. Unless he's in a program and/or counseling, nothing has really changed.
I would block him from calling you so you can move on.
Sheri
Ask yourself if you were to have just met your ex, would you be interested to pursue a relationship based on how he is treating you now?
It sounds as though your ex expects a lot, in terms of your patience and willingness to overlook things he has said and done, and that provided you keep coming back for more, on his terms, everything is fine. However, when you stop coming back, his dynamics change.
Change doesn't happen overnight, nor without effort and committment. Ask yourself how much your ex has really changed since you broke up, how good you feel about yourself as a result of keeping in touch with him, how much responsibility he is accepting for his words and actions, and how soon you think he will truly change his ways.
Thanks to all for your replies. It really helps to get an outside perspective on the situation and keep me focused on what my head is telling me and not my heart. I don't think that he's taking 100% responsibility for his actions and the things he's said to me because he's always got an excuse for them. In the last 3 months, I've come to realize that he was emotionally abusive to me. Not in the extreme sense, but enough to make me doubt myself, my feelings, my rationale. The last blow out we had, he said some really awful things to me, and when I confronted him yesterday with it, he actually denied he said any of it! Then after reminding him of what he said, he finally admitted it and said that he said it out of a moment of anger and blocked it out of his mind. He tried sweeping it under the rug instead of apologizing profusely for it, but again, like with everything else, he refuses to understand the severity of his actions. It's sad and frustrating that the person I was with for 12 years can't even put his feelings aside to try to understand mine.
He even said that he would still see other girls because I'm not giving him a commitment. If he really wanted to be with me, he wouldn't say that to me, and he would move mountains to be with me, not keep other girls on the side in case things don't work out between us. Some piece of work isn't he? I just don't think he is capable of loving someone the way normal people can. He's too selfish and caught up in himself to be able to give 100% of himself to someone.
I was fine until he called. Now I'm starting to feel depressed again. Thinking again of why he isn't calling, how he can so easily be dating and I haven't even gone out on a date since our break up. That makes me feel like such a loser. Albeit, I haven't really gone out much in the last 3 months to have an opportunity to meet guys and he's gone out EVERY weekend and more so he's had plenty of opportunity.
I hate that it seems like he's moving on and dating and I'm not. It doesn't help that most of my friends either have boyfriends or are married, so I'm the only single gal. None of them really want to go out without their man so it's been difficult to even have girls night out, etc. And of course, all of his friends are single so he's got company to go hang out.
I know in my heart of hearts that it will never work out between us. But I just wish that he could just finally have an AH-HAH! moment and understand how much pain he's caused me. He even thinks that the fact that he's seeing other girls shouldn't effect me. That because he's single, I shouldn't hold any of that against him. But doesn't he realize that it still hurts me and effects me a lot after 12 years??