The Ultimate Break-Up NO NO!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
The Ultimate Break-Up NO NO!!!
3
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 3:41pm

I thought I would start this discussion not necessarily because I need advice but because I noticed there aren't any postings about this and I'm sure it's happening.....

So, this past Feb. my boyfriend (of 4yrs.) and I broke up and even after 3 months we are still having sex, and what's even worse is that it's happening pretty regularly (about once a week).

I know, I know, it's the worst thing I could do for NUMEROUS reasons! And although I don't want to justify it, he and I still care and love each other deeply. I know some of you are wondering what the specifics of the breakup were so here it is: he broke up with me, he nor I never cheated on one another, his reason for the breakup is to end the pain of the frequent blaming and arguing, although both of us are free to date neither one of us is, and even though he says he ultimately wants us to end up together this is a full-fledged breakup (not a "break") and we are not actively doing anything to make things better (i.e. no counseling).

I've allowed this to occur because, aside from the obvious reason (miss him and the intimacy, want to remain close, etc.), I know that in Sept. I'll be moving. So, the way I look at it this is our transition phase and when Sept. rolls around it'll be more of a natural step to discontinue the physical intimacy and constant communication (right now we talk several times a day).

My question to you - is anyone going through this as well? How do you handle (or rationalize) it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 11:07am
Yes I have gone through the same thing - but it wasn't for the same reasons as you. My ex & I broke up April 8th. Since then we have slept together about once a week. He still calls a few times a day, but it is different now. He needed "space", or at least that was what he said at the time. I couldn't let go. We never fought, the connection between us was stronger then ever - there was no reason to break up in my eyes. But there was in his. Every time we slept together it got my hopes up for getting back together & he ended up withdrawing again a day or so later. It was a bad cycle.
For almost a week now we have put the "no contact" rule into effect. And he has broken it many many times. This weekend he has left 7 messages & I have remained strong & not called back. I know if I do we will end up sleeping together again & that would be bad.
Continueing the sex is like denial. At least that is what I think. I could pretend that things were "normal" again. The intimacy was there, the intensity. Everything was perfect in my world again, yet I knew it wouldn't last. But it prolonged the actual break up. I wish I could still sleep with him without being emotionally involved with him but that isn't possible.
In your case, it seems like you plan to let it go on till September - and that is prolonging things even more. You can't go backwards in a relationship. Taking the relationship away & keeping the intimacy is going backwards - nobody wins in the end. But that is just my 2 cents. Believe me - if my ex showed up at the door right now it would take a miracle to resist him so I know where you are coming from.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 7:08pm

I agree with you - this definitely prolongs everything. I tell myself that I'm not attached, but in reality I know I am.

I know I have to come to a point where I recognize for myself that this is not what I want and that I won't settle or subject myself to this. But I haven't....yet. It's great to hear that you have and I wish you all the luck! Let me know how it goes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 8:58am

My ex and I are also in the same boat. We broke up just less than a month ago and we didn't talk for about a week. I remained strong not to contact him because he was the one wanting a break for personal reasons, alot going on in his life, etc...

Then he started calling again, just popping over at my house to "hang out". We slept together once since then and I told him that I couldn't do the "friends w benefits" thing with him. It just hurt so much. Plus, with him coming over and hanging out, it felt normal and he treated me like when we were together, so I was starting to think that we would be getting back together. But of course that wasn't his intention. So I told him that I could not see him anymore. He said that he understood. Well a few more days go by and he's calling again. We actually had a lengthy conversation about what was going on and he ADMITTED that he was trying to keep me close enough so I don't move on. And was saying that he really misses me and how I was his salvation...but why wouldn't you want to be with that person? I don't understand. I was the only one who was there to support him and encourage him that he was doing great things with his life.

Now he's still calling every day. I honestly don't think he knows what he wants right now. But he for sure isn't going to have his cake and eat it too...

Just be strong. You'll be moving in September and will be able to start fresh.