unbelievable behavior

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
unbelievable behavior
9
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 8:17pm

I have been in a trans-continental relationship with someone for two years. It became more intesnse and he lived with me for the past two months, attended my sister's wedding, spent the holidays with my family and talked about future plans in london. Upon going back to England, he got caught by his live in girlfriend, who sent me a letter, after she intercepted one of my christmas cards. ( I had no idea he had a live in girlfriend). So he coldly ended things with me. This man sent me almost 200 pictures of himself and his home, daily emails and several phone calls a day. Plus, I talked to his whole family, friends and co-workers, without any sign that I was not his girlfriend. I still can't believe this is real.. He called new years eve to tell me this was all wrong, but it's just the way things are.

If anyone knows why this behavior occurs, please let me know

I'm still in shock...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 8:24pm
omg!! I am so sorry. i have no experience with that other then WOW. its weird that his family talked to you, etc
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 8:45pm

I think your shock is completely understandable - I couldn't believe it just reading your email! I really hope you've around some supportive family and friends right now - and of course we are here for you too. There is no logical answer for that at all.

It's not going to be easy, but try to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 8:54pm
thank you... i'm just feeling very used right now. he was just here in my home a few weeks ago.... this is unbelievable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 1:35am
It's hard to believe these sociopaths live among us. They just have a total lack of regard for anything humane. Today, I found out my boyfriend of a year and a half has been cheating on me for well over a year with his ex-girlfriend. They've been vacationing together. I read letters and saw the pictures of what I was told at the time was a company trip. I'm not even sure if I'm the mistress or if she is because we live in the same city and she is from his hometown which he visits often. I just went home with him to his parents place to spend a few days over the holidays. He recently told me that he loves me. I was finally given closet space at his place. It doesn't make any sense. Sociopath was the only explaination I had. Google "profile of a sociopath" and you might find a few answers. That's all I can pull out of sheer shock right now. I'm as confused as you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 1:59am

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened. I found out once that the guy I was seeing was married. His wife called me to inform me that he's married, just had a baby girl and has girlfriends in all the major cities he travels to for work. It sucks. And it's hard to accept that there are people in the world who are capable of such deceit. Just try to take it a day at a time. Some days will be good and some will suck. Vent to us on the days that suck. And be glad that you found out now instead of dragging it on even further.

omickey

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 5:04am
It's so disapointing when I hear about people who are capable of such cruelty!! Ugh! A guy I dated two years ago had a live in girlfriend as well, and just like you I met his family. It's so f**cked up when you meet the mom and afterwards find out she was ok with her son's behavior. The whole situation makes me so quesy everytime I think back to it. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, these things sometimes help us tune up our jacka** senses a bit. This behavior is ridiculous - he has no regards for others feelings. I only hope the best for you as you heal after this deceit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2005
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 9:05am
me again. i am so sorry for all your stories. i can't beleive there are men like this. so hurtful. don't think its all men though. because it isn't. i ad a friend fall madly in love with a man, they dated for 2 years and finally he offered her a job at his company. she quit her job thinking they were on the road to marriage, and working at his company would be best since she would be helping them acheive a common goal. 2 weeks before she started he said to her "look, i just want to let you know since you will find out at the office, i am getting married in two weeks". CAN YOU IMAGINE!!!!!!! its like a lifetime movie, till this day i still can't beleive it. she is okay now. and married to someone great. life does go on. i promise. you will find someone better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 1:20pm

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can completely understand the betrayal you feel. There is nothing worse than questioning if everything you thought was real was a complete lie.

I've been through a similar situation. I found out a month after breaking up with my ex (who I was still living with) that he was a compulsive liar and had been stealing money from me. His family finally told me about his shady past (he's stolen from ex-employers, ex-girlfriends, his parents, you name it) when I contacted them- after he had bounced 2 rent checks to me. It's pretty shocking to find out that you really never knew the person that you loved.

I've accepted the fact that he is just a very sick individual- because how else could you do this to people, especially people you love? In his twisted mind, I think he really believes the world is against him, and I guess feels justified in hurting whoever he has to to get what he wants. What your ex said "it's just the way things are"- that sounds EXACTLY like what my ex would have said! (Actually, his favorite was "you brought this on yourself.") It's amazing that they can somehow believe that this isn't THEIR fault.

The worst thing is knowing that they are probably going to do this to someone else, and you are unable to stop it. I have no doubt that my ex will find another woman to take advantage of, because he's very good at fooling people into thinking he's this really great guy. I feel awful that someone else will end up going through the heartache and pain that I did.

Like someone else said, it's really disturbing when you find out that their family knows about it, and doesn't do anything to stop it. I felt bad for my ex's parents until I figured out that they have really been the ones enabling him to keep doing this. No one becomes this screwed up by themselves. They told me how messed up he was, and were actually trying to help me get my money back. Then, out of nowhere, they did a 180 and washed their hands of the whole thing. They did the exact same thing to the previous ex-girlfriend- who he stole $10,000 from. I know it's your son and you love him, but how can you defend a man that steals from innocent people- most of whom are women? Is there anything more cowardly??

I'm sure it is really difficult considering you he met your family, friends, etc. I can totally sympathize. Just know that you didn't deserve any of this and that you are not stupid for trusting him. I'm a firm believer that these kind of guys will eventually get what's coming to them- so worry about yourself and doing whatever you have to to get through it. Hang in there :)!

Erica

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 3:22pm

I can totally relate to your experience. A week ago I found out that my now ex-boyfriend had another serious girlfriend here in town not only that he also had another serious relationship with another girl in chicago. And I honestly cant understand why. I mean if he was just having sex with all of us, i guess i would have understood better but the fact that all three of the relationships were serious such as talk about marriage, kids, future, meeting the parents, I dont understand what the hell was going through his mind. And the crazy things that he will talk to us about about each other. Like I knew about the girl in chicago as his bestfriend growing up and he will tell me things about how she was doing, and the girl in chicago knew about me as the girl friend of one of his friends and so on. How much more pshyco could you get? I mean he was able to be with all 3 of us in one week. Not only that the girl that lives here in town also had a key to his house just like me and we both used to come and go as you please but we never ran in to each other. We both will leave things over at his house. I mean more then anything I am amaze. How was he able to keep 2 girls from each other.....but 3?????

And the thing is that he is really, really mad at me becasue I figured everything out, if I hadnt he would have continue with all of us. He is acting like he is the victim.......all I can say is that I am glad that I am out of that, but it still hurts A LOT!

I wish I could give you some encouraging words, but I am actually in need of them myself.

E