unbiased advice needed asap please! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2012
unbiased advice needed asap please! :)
7
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 12:59pm

Good morning!  

I was in a relationship with a man for about a year and a half.  I broke up with him about 4 months ago.  I began dating a new guy about 2 months ago.  Recently, the ex and I have been communicating often and re-establishing a healthy relationship.  He has put forth a lot of effort and I know he is very much in love with me.  He says he wants to be with me forever.  

Pros for the ex include: stability, he's VERY attractive, identical views on politics and religion, very supportive of career and provides motivation, our sex is amazing.

Cons for the ex include: he's snobby, selfish, not close to his family and doesn't enjoy time with mine, he is sometimes percived as pompous by others, we have a history of consistent arguements. 

The other guy is a great guy too.  Our relationship is still very new and I don't want to base my decision about rekindling things with the ex on my relationship with him, but it does have some weight.  He's a really really nice guy and very different from the ex.

Please advise if I should consider trying things again with the ex.  I am so torn.  Friends and family have too biased of opinions.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 1:09pm

mchamberlain8 wrote:
<p>Good morning!  </p><p>I was in a relationship with a man for about a year and a half.  I broke up with him about 4 months ago.  I began dating a new guy about 2 months ago.  Recently, the ex and I have been communicating often and re-establishing a healthy relationship.  He has put forth a lot of effort and I know he is very much in love with me.  He says he wants to be with me forever.  </p><p>Pros for the ex include: stability, he's VERY attractive, identical views on politics and religion, very supportive of career and provides motivation, our sex is amazing.</p><p>Cons for the ex include: he's snobby, selfish, not close to his family and doesn't enjoy time with mine, he is sometimes percived as pompous by others, we have a history of consistent arguements. </p><p>The other guy is a great guy too.  Our relationship is still very new and I don't want to base my decision about rekindling things with the ex on my relationship with him, but it does have some weight.  He's a really really nice guy and very different from the ex.</p><p>Please advise if I should consider trying things again with the ex.  I am so torn.  Friends and family have too biased of opinions.</p>

1. what was your reason for breaking off with him?

2. Has your ex addressed the issues which were the basis of you leaving the relationship?

3.  How would you feel if your new guy was communicating with his ex behind your back and "re-establishing a healthy relationship"  and reconsidering a second chance with her?  Would you feel it's innocuous?

4.  the new guy is rebound guy. The fact that you're in touch with your ex at all means he's a temporary place holder til your ex ambles on back to you.

Clearly, good sex isn't a strong enough glue to hold a relationship together, especially when there are problems going on in the relationship.  Not enough time has elapsed for him to ahve made any lasting changes.  He needs to be about the changes for more than a year for you to be able to ascertain that they have stuck.

I would say that since you are entertaining the thought of getting back with this ex because whatever progress he's told you he's made seems sufficient enough for you to reconsider, than you cut the new guy loose.  That would be the fair, self-less thing to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2012
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 4:45pm

Hi, there : ) In my experiences - and I've had a couple of re-tries - trying to rekindle an old flame only leads to ashes. There's usually a very good reason, if not multiple reasons, why that relationship ended. And while people can modify their behavior to an extent, they don't really change at the core. All of the problems you had before may remain and you can both certainly put forth the effort to deal with those issues in a more constructive manner, but how long will that last? And have you been apart long enough for him to have made the drastic strides necessary for this relationship to actually work? It's one thing to have a romance as a very young adult when your personality and proclivities haven't fully developed yet and to meet that person again years later and find that you've grown into quite the compatible pair. It's quite another to carry on a romance as two feuding adults, separate for a short time then come at each other again. Kind of like the definition of insanity. And old dogs really are quite resistant to new tricks. This new guy sounds like he makes you genuinely happy without any of the work the other involves. Why not pursue that a bit longer before jumping back on the ex's band wagon? Whatever you decide, I wish you lots of luck and happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2012
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 7:40pm

Reading your post not sure the pro's outweigh the cons.

I couldn't handle someone that didn't like my family or friends. Not much on snobbish pompous people. Does he expect you to act snobbish and pompous also? Are you comfortable with that?

If the new guys is nice and you think it might work out why not give it a try? No one says you can't date two people till YOU decide to commit.

I broke up with my b/f (years ago), and we still dated, I met my soon to be hubby and dated him also at the same time, after a few months I decided that the old b/f, even though he was comfy like a favorite robe, I married the new guy and we have been happily married for 30 years.

MoCyn

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 10:25pm

Could it be that your ex is putting forth effort now bec ause he knows that you have a new BF and figured he didn't like the competition?  I know I wouldn't like to be in a relationship where I had a lot of arguments with someone or someone who didn't get along with my family, since my family is important to me.  I also wonder how much effort he could have been putting forth now since you aren't even together--so what exactly has he done except TOLD you that he's changed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 4:32pm

I would stop seeing the new guy until emotions are resolved with the ex. Good luck Wink

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 8:15pm

In response to Bored17

This situation has been recently further complicated. The new gentleman who I've been seeing is going through emotional pain right now. His father passed away on Thanksgiving. I would feel so awful to break things off with him while he's dealing with this current heart break. I have seen the ex a few times recently and he is trying so hard to win back my love. I see things in him, positive changes that I am very surprised to see. If I do decide to rekindle things with the ex, or at least try, must I disclose my dating the new guy?

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 9:23am

mchamberlain8 wrote:
<p>In response to Bored17</p><p>This situation has been recently further complicated. The new gentleman who I've been seeing is going through emotional pain right now. His father passed away on Thanksgiving. I would feel so awful to break things off with him while he's dealing with this current heart break. I have seen the ex a few times recently and he is trying so hard to win back my love. I see things in him, positive changes that I am very surprised to see. If I do decide to rekindle things with the ex, or at least try, must I disclose my dating the new guy?</p>

Of course!!!  They both need to know what's going on in your head. Would you want to be treated this way if you were in the same circumstances?

You know what's going to hurt the new guy even more? Finding out your relationship was one big lie on top of the pain of losing his father.  Lies do not stay buried--the truth outs when it's least convenient for the liar. Your integrity will be trash if you continue to carry on in this fashion.

If you have issues about breaking up with the new guy, then tell your ex he needs to cool it until your new guy has been through the funeral.

You need to make a choice and live with said choice because the fashion in which you've proceeded dictates that you're going to have to take responsibility for the pain you''ll be causing one of two men. There is no getting around it.