Unconditional Love...?
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| Thu, 06-01-2006 - 12:24pm |
Hi, I'm hoping you ladies can help me out. The love of my life, the only true best friend I've ever had, broke up with me on Monday because I was being impatient. He says I'm not the same person I was when we were first started dating because I was happier and more carefree. Now, after going through several traumatic crises, I have become somewhat bitter, but I've been fighting it off, and I know I can overcome it. I even mentioned to him while we were together that I was feeling a lot better and happier and that I was totally over things.
Anyway, what really set things off was this past Sunday. Me, him, and six other friends hung out @ San Francisco all day, which he had coordinated. Well, there were a few girl acquaintances who were giving him some extra attention, such as inviting him and some other ppl to get in the jacuzzi and telling him how good he smelled, almost like it was sexual or something. So knowing that we've been stressed lately about things that were out of our hands and that it has put a strain on our relationship, I felt threaten by these girls who were just cheerful, and it made me wonder if might change his mind about us. So I acted jealous, and I've never been jealous before! Now, I understood about those many times when he felt jealous when guys would be extra friendly towards me.
Well, we talked about this that night while we were alone for a bit, and he told me, "Ash, I love you to death; I love everything about you!" THAT made me fel TONS better! I know he loves me lots, but I think we just need time and space apart to calm down and find peace again and when the time's right for us to be together again, it'll happen. That is my question to you ladies: What do I do from here? He says I'm not as happy as I used to be so I'm going to work on restoring my joy and hope in people and in life. Plus, I want to give him his space.
He's returning from job training in Conneticutt today, but I don't think he'll get in until tonight. I was wondering if it'd be too much to deliver him flowers in person at his workplace tomorrow, since he's always said how he thought that would be nice. I want to SHOW him that I love him no matter what, and that I want to fight for what I know is fair and good. I love this man so much that I would do whatever to make him happy. I'm as devoted to him now as I was when we first met.
I just need someone to tell me that I'm not crazy or selfish and that everything will be ok. Since he's been out of town, it's been hard not to talk to the person you've shared everything with and talked with every single day for the past three years! It feels as if someone you love and cherish has died. He said he felt that way, too. He said he can't make a final decision yet because it's going to take time to figure things out. I just really love him, and I don't want to let him go.
He says he's showing me unconditional love for the first time: That he'll be here for me no matter what so that i can repair the damage done by so many hard circumstances. I know the love is still there, maybe it's just not thr right time or we need space to think things through before we get back into our relationship. Is this adding up? Does it sound like he still wants to work things out? Please help me ladies. I know this is a super long post, but I hope you won't mind. :) Peace, love, and happiness! (lol)

I'm going to go out on a sturdy little limb here and say "Find your happiness."
If you find your happiness and he comes back, groovy. :)
Sandra,
I must say you ROCK for responding. Thanks for your advice. Thank you for understanding me. Yes, I wholeheartedly believe that I must find my happiness and peace 1) for my relationship with God 2) for Myself, lovely Ashleigh 3) For Paul, because he is my friend and I know this would make him heal/happy.
Yeah, me being jealous--NO way, that's so not me. I have a big heart, and I'm usually very caring and hospitable. I just think this stress has changed me somewhat, made me untrusting, you know? So I need to let go of all that hurt and resentment. And I know I pretty much have because I'm not one who doesn't like to stay mad. I know it's not good for me. Like you said, I need to find my center again, my backbone, and talking about this has helped so tremendously! I feel my strength coming back, I've started the healing process, I'm facing the music. I've gone through a lot in my life with courage, and i know i can do this.
Yes, I want him to know that I respect his suggestions and I really understand him--and that I will do those things for myself and not for him. I want to heal myself completely before there would ever be a me and him again because how can I make him or our friendship/relationship happy if I'm not happy?? I think that was the problem. I know he cares, as tears just streamed down his face. I know his heart, and I still trust him as a friend because we were close before we were together.
So thank you for your help and your hope. I will take this to heart because I know it's what I need to do for myself. I'm glad I posted on this site, and if anyone needs someone to talk to, don't be afraid to ink your heart out on this site.
With much thanks,
Looking on the sunnyside of life in Sacramento
Hi, it's me again. Another thing I was thinking about was when he told me that for the first time in my life, he's going to show me unconditional love, how much he unconditionally loves me by giving me time to heal myself, I got confused, and I DID need my space right then and there so I got my purse and headed out of his car.
I swung the door open, which he tried to shut. He grabbed my hand, and I let go. I walked out, and he said, "Ashleigh! Don't go. Where are you going?
"I'm walking back home."
"Come back. Get back into the car."
So I just kept walking, and thinking, "Well, here's my backbone. If you want to give me space and time, well here, you have it!!" I felt bad, but I wanted to make him recognize what he'd be giving up: me, my presence, my love, my attention.
So as I was crossing the street, he honked his horn to let me know he was turning onto my street. Then, when I was walking on my street, he just drove really slowly, begging me to get back into the car, and i said, "No, you let a good thing go. If you need space and time, that's fine. I'm going."
And he said, "Well, I still have your jacket? Don't you want your jacket?"
"I don't care about my jacket. Keep it." He asked me several more times to come back, but I refused and kept walking my fearless back to my house.
Then, he parked his car, got out, crossed the street to give it to me, so I just yanked it and kept walking, but then something inside me said, "Ash, you're hurting him. Don't do anything you'll regret." So I looked back at him, and he looked so sad, and it told me that he still wants to try, but that he needs time, and i need time to get back my backbone. He then said, "Is this how you want it to end? It's your choice if this is how you want it to be." So I paused and just looked at him, and I thought about how much I love him, and so I came back to him. We started talking again, and it was ok. I said i was thirsty and he ran in to get me something to drink. (He's so sweet that way.) When I walked off, unintentionally, I put the realization in him that I might NEVER come back, and that he might not like what he actually asked for. Crazy, huh? :) I, in NO way, was playing games. With each step I took, I gained more boldness, more courage, and more love for my Paul...
Wow, I think I like write! Well, I just thought I'd throw this out there to show the affects of giving us space and time, to develop my backbone again. Automatically, it turned him around, but what I need to do is invest more into myself, make myself happy again. What happend during that incident gave me hope, BUT I need to focus on myself before anything else can come out of this.
What do you think guys and gals about this? I just need to know if I'm being unrealistic. I know feedback is a wonderful thing so that's why I'm asking for your opinions about this. Thank you for reading this. You're all real gems!
With faith, hope, and charity,
Ashleigh
No, no, no on the flowers!!!!!
You need to let him go *completely*...if you've left things open ended, tell him you'd be happy to hear from him when he is 100% ready to get back together but not before. He doesn't get to be your buddy in the meantime!!!
Are you considering getting counseling for yourself in the meantime, so you can work on being the best person you can be regardless of what happens with him?
Sheri
....."When I walked off, unintentionally, I put the realization in him that I might NEVER come back, and that he might not like what he actually asked for. Crazy, huh? :) I, in NO way, was playing games. With each step I took, I gained more boldness, more courage, and more love for my Paul...".....
Awww! That's awesome and very encouraging Sandra! Also, in response to Sheri about the flowers, lol, sorry that I scared you! I was just wanting to do something to cheer him up, but if he doesn't know that I already love him, then no amount of flowers will help him realize that.
I thank God that I came to this site today! I've read so many posts, and I'm so thankful for the empathy y'all have shown. I'm rocking out to some Carole King and Kelly Clarkson and Miranda Lambert. Music really does help me. Also, I'm going to try the journal approach. I like to write so putting it down on paper will help.
Also, I've already been counselling with many people within my church--EVEN one of the girls who flirted with Paul. She was really sorry, and since then, she's been lending me her shoulder. Cool, huh? Yeah, no matter what, I'll love Paul. We'll always be friends.
"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." I've always believed in this saying, and it has got me through a lot of dark times. Also, I know that if I do good things, GOOD things will happen! It's all about faith Girls!!
I talked to Paul's Mom last night--we're all very close. I knew she knew him better than I so it was good to gain her perspective on things. Don't worry: She's counselled us before when we were down. We talked for two hours! She was lots of help, and she really opened my eyes. We all attend church together so I'll see them all this Sunday, but there will be love and faith that, "All things work to the good of those who love God according to HIS purpose" (Romans 8:28).
I promised myself that I won't be clingy. I need to be on the outside looking in and see it like, "If I was someone else, would I respect me????....These are the things I should do to have that respect for myself and from others, whomever they might be!"
Well, I hope we can all keep this correspondence up. It really helps me a lot. I thought I wouldn't make it through the week. I wanted to just skip work and stay home, but I knew that wouldn't be productive. So it's almost Friday! GooooooOOOOooooo me! teehee...Yes, yes, I'm feeling it. I'm digging it. lol
So yeah, he can call me, he can attempt to contact me--that is, IF I want it. ;) So thanks for the power and encouragement.
Sandra, thanks for your approach about keeping the communication open, BUT not putting all your hopes and heart into it. I know I shouldn't read into it. And this time, this space, we'll have to work on ourselves will help us be happy people, better friends. I can't allow myself to be sad and a downer to all those around me. I've got to be a light, a candle on a hill that can't be hidden! IF I'm just down and out, how can I prepare/give for a relationship that might take place down the road--IF that should happen? So I'm all good, and I've become stronger from this! I'm very excited about this. I'm going to be open to all the emotions that come with healing, but I'm going to continue to be thankful for what I do have! "It's not having what you want; It's wanting what you've GOT!" :)
Good for you, too, Sandra!