UNSAFE SITUATION NEED ADVICE
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 03-10-2008 - 10:54pm |
OK, so I have a NEW problem regarding my recent breakup. I had previously posted that my boyfriend has mental health issues. He takes medication for his problems. The breakup issues started on and off about two months ago (indecisiveness, flip-flopping, manipulating, sexually acting out with others- all symptoms of his issues) until he finally broke it off last week. We still live together and I am still left paying the bills, keeping the house clean, etc. so basically he gets all of the perks of a relationship with me and doesn't have to "answer to me", as he wished. He comes and goes as he pleases- mostly he goes. He rarely stops at home and when he does he shaves, takes his medicine, or changes clothes. I don't think he is sleeping (or sleeping on different people's couches?) and he is very aloof about where he is going and what he is doing. We have made several plans to sit down and work out the bills, cell phone plan we share, apt. etc. and he has broken those times to "go out" or "stay at a friend's". The latest weird thing is that he will call me obsessively several times in a row and then not call for up to 24 hours. I am fearful because I do not know what he is doing or if he is okay. He is acting like he needs help. Today's calls were focused on a missing wallet. He kept calling me to look for it. I reassured that I had and could not find it. He verbally attacked me and accused me of stealing it. (he had left it at the gym when he went to work out). Anyway, to make a LONG story short, he is either not taking his medication or mixing it with alcohol or something. His behavior is odd and erratic. We have no family or close friends in the area (we just moved here a year and ahalf ago). Calls to his mom have not helped (she believes his lies telling her he is fine) and I do not know if calling his counselor would help (he tends to believe his lies too).
I COULD say "screw him. he broke up with me." BUT 3 things...
#1- He is on my cell phone plan so his obsessive calling and texting affects me. The lease we share and bills we share affects ME.
#2- I believe his breaking up with me to be a symptom of his latest mental health issues.(he has done it before tho never for this long)
#3- I get severe anxiety when he calls frantically or stops by the apartment and behaves erratically. It affects me.
Anybody been thru something similar? I know I have to take care of myself, like everyone keeps saying, and I am eating well, sleeping, and doing things for me...but, his behavior affects me no matter what, and people I talk to do not seem to understand that.
Any thoughts?

Pages
They are not friends- just neighbors. Unfortunately....I contacted his Mom. She is very cold and uncaring, but I thought she should know anyway because he lies to her and makes like everything is fine. I told her thre truth about the situation and he came home last night very angry with me because she called him and "tattled" everything I told her!!! After, SHE told ME that she knows he's like that, she had the same problems with him, and that if he did not get his way or did not like something he could be scary and abusive (her own words) yet she called him and told him anyway. So, I gave him a letter saying that I can not do this anymore- whether we are together or not. It also noted the changes in him over the last couple of months and that I thought he should get some help before he goes downhill again and I wanted only the best for him (he tends to be paranoid and think people are being nice or trying to help him in order to manipulate him). His only response to the 2 page letter was "I understand." He then texted me today "Have a great day, (pet name)" as though everything is fine again.
I am going home to NYC for the weekend (Thursday night to SUnday) and I can do that some/ most weekends and holidays. I have dinner plans with friends and plans with my Mom and sister. I am bringing my pet with me (he says he will come home and care for her if she is there, but I can not trust that. This morning she "talked" to him all morning as he got ready for work and I was still in bed, and he completely ignored her. I was soooo sad that she just was calling out to him to pet her or feed her and he didnt even say a word. VERY unlike him. This just shows me further that it has nothing to do with me!- am i right?)
I am trying to be in touch with my DV counselor to keep options open of finishing school from home in NYC or moving out into my apt here while I finish, etc. In the meantime, I am having minimal contact with him and NO more "talks"- he will not talk to me even about the apartment or finances. He informed me yesterday that he does not have to do chores or take care of the household because he is hardly ever there anyway and does not make any garbage. (Mind you, he smokes in the house which is not allowed because of my health problems and my pet had cancer and leaves cigs and ashes everywhere. He throws clean and dirty clothes all over the apartment. He makes a NEW mess in the bathroom every morning and anything he uses he leaves open or out. He leaves garbage everywhere, throws recycling in the regular garbage and makes aLOT of paper garbage...so that is b.s.). When he told him this, he said "well if you had your own apartment you would have to do it by yourself." (I said NOT a 3 bedroom- it was HIS idea to move into the 3 bedroom! He even convinced me to do so by promising to pay more than half the rent and helping out more with chores...ha!)
So, I am at my school internship today and luckily it is a quiet day. I feel like everyone knows how sad I am and I can not talk to anyone about it. Everyone knew how much I cared for my boyfriend, that he moved up here to be with me, how long we have been together, and our future plans, but no one here knows whats going on except my counselor. I feel so alone. I never lived here until I came here with him to go to school, so every single store, street, restaurant has only our memories and makes me cry, especially when I know I have to go home to our apt (which he said we would live in until we bought our first home together) and either see him NOT there, or even worse- THERE and ignoring me or treating me as though the previous 5 1/2 yrs never happened and he is prefectly happy with himself and the way things are going. He works, goes to the gym, all of a sudden made all of these friends...its not fair.
Pages