Update on boyfriend dating add

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Update on boyfriend dating add
3
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 4:19pm
I ended up responding to my boyfriend's internet personal add with a made up name and he responded by putting his picture on an e-mail that said. "I hope I am fit to serve you" When I confronted him on it he said that he was doing it just for fun and that he is a bit of a pervert in that he likes to be kinky and wants to explore. I told him does he w open relationship where we can date others, like take a step back as if we were just dating and not exclusive and he said no. He said that he only wants me and that he thought I was the women he was going to marry. He says he's messed up and likes fantasizing about these things but would never cheat on me. He wants for us to explore swinging and s and m clubs together because he's always fantasized about them but has never done anything about it. I told him I want to see other people while I am dating him to see if we are meant to be together and he said that if I do I had better be good about hiding it because he would be so angry to know I am dating but that he won't see other people. I have also told him until I can trust him again I don't want to have sex and he says okay. I love him so much I want to be able to trust him again but don't know if I can ever do that and I can't leave him. I want him to be inspired to change and not do things behind my back. If he wants to explore, I'd like for us to work on things together and discuss. How do I go about this? We had a trip planned for NEw York where his parents from france are coming ( they adore me by the way) and when I broke up with him he said maybe you can pretend to still be with me, can you do that? To me it sounds as if he's too ashamed to go to NY and meet his parents without me.He told me that with our friends he doesn't want them to know we are broken up but would rather have us be boyfriend and girlfriend in their eyes even though I am dating others and we are not having sex until the time comes when we can trust each other again. I am so confused. I said a lot of mean things to him yesterday.HE was really mean to me too. He says I give him insecurities because I had such a wonderful life with my ex boyfriends who are so accomplished so I guess he has an inferiority complex? Not sure but please I love this guy and though I don't want to be hurt I don't want to leave him either. Someone please knock some sense into me and thanks for letting me vent.


Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 4:33pm
How long have you been going together? It sounds to me like he really isn't ready to be committed to you so you are wise for wanting to see other people. You must really have reason to mistrust him if you responded to a personals ad of his. On the other hand, if the two of you are in a committed relationship, then why the heck does he have a personals ad up for?

It sounds like you're in a really hard situation, and he sounds weak. He either wants to be with you exclusively or he doesn't. This whole business about pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend for the sake of his parents and friends is silly, and I wouldn't do it if I were you. It will just make you feel bad.

Are you into swinging and S&M? Do you think you could be? Or does it repel you completely? If it's not for you and he really wants it, your relationship probably will not work out. I hate to sound cold and unfeeling. I'm going through a breakup myself, and right now I'd go running back to him in a minute if I could. But there are certain things I just can't compromise, like my right to be in a relationship with someone who respects me and cares about my feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 5:07pm
Hi iamdelightful, I am sorry to hear that you are going through what I am going through. In answer to your question we have been dating for 6 months now so not too long. You are right he is not the one for me and I keep on wanting him to be, I need to move on to better things and open myself up for positive experiences
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 7:12pm
Breaking up is really hard because it feels like you're literally coming apart, right? You have memories to deal with and all the hopes and dreams you had for each other. Six months is a hard time to break up. My relationship was less than three months so it's a bit easier for me. I wish you all the best. Please feel free to email me if you need to.