I think your gut is right. He is doing this for him... His tenderness shows how much he cares for you, but...as adults our number one job is to take care of ourselves. It's not what we are taught to value. Sacrifice, love conquers all, to the death...popular themes for sure. But it is how things have to be. I reckon he wants to believe it is about taking care of you so he doesn't have to feel like a "bad person" for taking care of his own needs. I've been there...that's a demon all right.
*hugs* I'm glad to hear you focusing on your needs. I'm trying to do it, too! Hang in there.
Bad night...Bumping my post in hopes of someone out to offer me some words of advice on how to do this, how to get by, I want to call him so bad. I want to tell him I love him and we can make it work.....I miss him.
From what you wrote before, it sounds like he does not want to work on the relationship any more. I am hearing that you do, but the way it works is that it takes two people to make a "yes", and only one to make a "no". This is the only moment that is real, and in this moment, the relationship is over. Calling him will hurt you so much.
My advice is to take it moment by moment, minute by minute, hour by hour...wherever you are right now. What works to keep you from calling? I watch a film, meditate, or go for a walk, preferably with a friend. Sometimes, if nothing works to distract me, I just sit with the pain, telling myself over and over what is true:
The relationship is over. There is nothing I can do about that because it was his decision. This is painful, and I feel sad. I accept my hurt and disappointment, and feel my sadness knowing it will pass. Acceptance is the way to healing and fulfilling love.
Well, I don't think you are a fool. We are all human, and hope against hope.
I'm a big believer that folks tend to exhibit patterns in relationship.... Unless he has really worked on this (taken any hard looks at himself, worked through it with a counselor), chances are decent it will happen again, except this time you will be on the other end of the cheating. It sounds like you do not want to be on the other end of that. Maybe focusing on that will help you not call... You don't need to hate him or think badly of him (I really try to avoid blame or thinking the other person is bad because I think it eats me up just as much anything else)...just imagine yourself getting cheated on and how you would feel, and maybe feel grateful that the possibility of feeling that feeling is no longer a part of your life?
Thanks!! Your response couldnt have come at a better time. I needed that right now...I just found myself laying on the sofa crying and decided to get up...get a shower....do my makeup...look and feel good...and said to myself F HIM!!
I think your right....I feel that anger inside of me and its eating me up because truth is Im so dam angry ...I stood by him and I gave him the biggest gift of all......FORGIVENESS....and what its not good enough for him well he can go straight to hell and as for me Im gonna go write that letter, unsent letter, and let myself be angry at him.
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I think your gut is right. He is doing this for him... His tenderness shows how much he cares for you, but...as adults our number one job is to take care of ourselves. It's not what we are taught to value. Sacrifice, love conquers all, to the death...popular themes for sure. But it is how things have to be. I reckon he wants to believe it is about taking care of you so he doesn't have to feel like a "bad person" for taking care of his own needs. I've been there...that's a demon all right.
*hugs* I'm glad to hear you focusing on your needs. I'm trying to do it, too! Hang in there.
Claudia,
Im not sure if its a gut feeling Im having or just the knowledge in my head from the past with him.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I thought my boyfriend and I could get through anything, and we parted loving and caring about one another. It doesn't seem to be enough...
Thanks Claudia...I feel your pain, and Im sorry your here too.
Bad night...Bumping my post in hopes of someone out to offer me some words of advice on how to do this, how to get by, I want to call him so bad. I want to tell him I love him and we can make it work.....I miss him.
From what you wrote before, it sounds like he does not want to work on the relationship any more. I am hearing that you do, but the way it works is that it takes two people to make a "yes", and only one to make a "no". This is the only moment that is real, and in this moment, the relationship is over. Calling him will hurt you so much.
My advice is to take it moment by moment, minute by minute, hour by hour...wherever you are right now. What works to keep you from calling? I watch a film, meditate, or go for a walk, preferably with a friend. Sometimes, if nothing works to distract me, I just sit with the pain, telling myself over and over what is true:
The relationship is over. There is nothing I can do about that because it was his decision. This is painful, and I feel sad. I accept my hurt and disappointment, and feel my sadness knowing it will pass. Acceptance is the way to healing and fulfilling love.
This is my mantra.
Hang in there. Keep writing here. Don't call!
Thanks Claudia,
You would think it wouldnt be so hard to do considering I spent almost a year and a half in this 2 year relationship being lied to??
See when we met, he neglected to tell me he had a live in girlfriend.
Wow...
Well, I don't think you are a fool. We are all human, and hope against hope.
I'm a big believer that folks tend to exhibit patterns in relationship.... Unless he has really worked on this (taken any hard looks at himself, worked through it with a counselor), chances are decent it will happen again, except this time you will be on the other end of the cheating. It sounds like you do not want to be on the other end of that. Maybe focusing on that will help you not call... You don't need to hate him or think badly of him (I really try to avoid blame or thinking the other person is bad because I think it eats me up just as much anything else)...just imagine yourself getting cheated on and how you would feel, and maybe feel grateful that the possibility of feeling that feeling is no longer a part of your life?
I'm just throwing ideas out...what works for me.
Hi ladybeb,
Have you hit the Angry stage yet? It could be good for you.
Thanks!! Your response couldnt have come at a better time. I needed that right now...I just found myself laying on the sofa crying and decided to get up...get a shower....do my makeup...look and feel good...and said to myself F HIM!!
I think your right....I feel that anger inside of me and its eating me up because truth is Im so dam angry ...I stood by him and I gave him the biggest gift of all......FORGIVENESS....and what its not good enough for him well he can go straight to hell and as for me Im gonna go write that letter, unsent letter, and let myself be angry at him.
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