update on the "friends" fiasco

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
update on the "friends" fiasco
9
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 6:11pm
I've recapped my breakup lots of times, won't waste the space. Suffice it to say, I left him after 2 years, for good cause. After 3 months of no contact, he pops up out of the blue, wants to get together and "hang out." We "hang out" for about a month. Not about a booty call, but oddly date-like, Friday/Saturday night dinner/movie things. He's very gung ho about it. Flirting, he's dressed very nicely, whatever. Flirtation goes so far as an accidental "I missed you" on my part, and a very enthusiastic response from him. Official party line is, we're friends. But we had one aborted conversation about the breakup, which was nasty, and then just tiptoed around it, and all this date-like niceness seemed really artificial. I took a couple of days' vacation, and thought it through, and then told him I wanted to talk. Suddenly, he disappears. My good friend, who was so eager to "hang out" on weekends and chit chat is suddenly nowhere to be found, not returning messages, whatever. Yes, many on the board called it - he's just playing games. Spending time with me to assuage his guilt? Hard to say, but definitely part of some agenda of his that has nothing to do with my best interests.

So, today I forward to him an email where he apologizes for what a jerk he was (well, in a way, he doesn't actually acknowledge how he behaved during my cancer scare), and promises that he's going to do everything he can to be a better friend to me than he was a lover. Basically, I forward it and ask if he meant that, because he'd disappeared without a trace, and that didn't seem very "friendly," what was going on with him? He emailed back to say "apparently I can't do anything right in your eyes, forget it, goodbye." Charming, yes? This is the guy I spent two years of my life with, and the last 4 months agonizing over leaving. Anyway, to those who were curious, that's just the end of that. Seriously, I think he set up this whole thing as a way to reject me, I think he absolutely delights in rejecting me (he broke up with me once), and he wanted to get even with me for leaving him. What an a--.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 8:07pm
Oh man. THat is harsh milton. Seriously. Is he 5 years old?

You know, the more stories i read on this (fortunately i havent had to post anything lately as have had no contact for 3 months) the more I am becoming totally disillusioned at people's inability to be open and honest. Its funny because although i swept MANY issues under the rug during my relationship, I am so certain now that honesty all the time is the only way to go.

But this whole drama factor is irritating. Why do people think that to "really" be in love there needs to be that game playing. To me its quite the opposite. Man, i'm so tired of games. I played them during my 20's and now i'm done. Like dinner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 8:20pm
So, I shouldn't have, but I responded. I told him it was uncalled for, that I deserved better than for him to play games with me and that I was really disappointed he didn't have more respect for me than that. He wrote back a long and truly harsh diatribe about how our whole relationship was a lie, that he'd never really loved me, how I deserved to be abandoned when I had cancer because I hadn't been adequately meeting his needs, I hope you actually can't construct the whole picture, it's embarassing even to recount that that was his behavior. I blocked his email address so he can't send me anything further. I can't believe I've had to block the address of a 30 year old man with whom I was intimate for almost 2 years, with whom I was planning to have babies, who told me that he loved me and I was his whole world. This whole crappy drama just sucks. I'd say it put me back at square one of the breakup, but really it's a lot better than that. I'm shocked and upset, but boy am I done with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 8:43pm
This guy sounds like a PURE idiot.



He doesn't deserve a place in your life. This time, when you close the door, make sure it's locked!!! One day those words are gonna bite him HARD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 9:25pm
Now I'm less upset, and it's making me laugh. He said I always prioritized my dog over him. A 30 year old man, jealous of a dog.He also said he wanted to be friends because there were already so many women out there who hated him. He said there was probably something wrong with him (you think?), and maybe he should get some counseling. But you just know he never will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 9:33pm
Yup, you know i've been there and done that with my ex. He said he wasnt happy with himself, self esteem issues etc etc which i think the fact that i am strong and independent and intelligent didnt help but i digress. Anyhow he started goign to counselling, but stopped after about 6 sessions. For some reason unknown to me he thought he could resolve life-long issues in a few months. Whatever. You know what, if this guy wants to better himself he will. But dont hold your breath. My ex is turning 40 tomorrow and he still doesnt get it.

You know milton i think men often have a hard time with women who want them to be their best. They get lazy and then point the finger our way because its easy and removes all responsibility from themselves. But regardless of their issues, we need to continue being who we are. Strong, intelling, and caring. There is absoltely nothing wrong with you wanting to see the best in him. But first he has to see it in himself. No one can do that for him, and you knwo what, he will never be trully happy until he does. In the meantime, time for you to move on.

mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 12:28am
So sorry this had to happen to you, Milton. You DO deserve much better, as evidenced by your own empathic and insightful responses to many on this board. I'm just sorry he didn't measure up and that you had to be on the receiving end of such unkind remarks. .
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 7:04am
Milton,

Deep down you knew this would happen again. You had to be a fool to believe that this man would change. NO, He will never ever change. Accept it.

But now you should feel lucky that he decided to put an end to this game, otherwise you would have never done it. Accept that it is over, it will be the beginning to start your healing process.

Iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 10:53am
I'd like to put another spin on this -so that perhaps you avoid the same situation in the future.

Here's you and your life/needs/lifestyle/requirements - consider that a straight line path.

And here's him and his life/needs/lifestyle/requirements - consider that line to be running in a circular pattern.

This guy has NEVER done anything he's done, decided, said, felt, or pursued anything in his life "because of you or anybody else". HE's done it because his world revolves around him and his needs.

It's you and people like you - that continue to put your "straight line" in contact with his vicious vortex that allows him options and opportunities that he wouldn't have without that "reaching out" on the part of you and people like you.

so at all times, this guy is never interacting with you or others in any way other than his standard modus operandi as justified by his values.

It's simply that the people who are "straight line" people - "need" interaction/involvement/alignment in order to be "complete".

Straight line people tend to run in parallel....they're not attracted to one another. They don't see another parallel line is a good option or opportunity for the type of interaction/involvement/alignment they need in order to be complete.

Straight line people are attracted to the vortex's.....because by getting caught up in that whirlpool you now have someone to serve, someone to attend to, someone to interact with, someone wh's interests, involvements, requirements and duties need to be fulfilled and your offerings of assistance are being utilized.

But becuase you're a straight line (a flat river) what you don't realize that by plunging into the vortex....you're not going to come out in the same path, or with the same force, or by teh same method that you went in.

You'll end up coming out of the vortex but in total disarray.

So, look at the relationship from a pervasive review point...and what did that relationship bring to your life - that your perception is "without a relationship I can't have X". Then realize that "X" is probably more broadly defined and pursued than just 'in a relationship' - go out and get it in your life appropriately and healthily - this guy won't appeal to you, you'll be more complete. And more able to be objective and discerning about the character of your next partner as a result.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 2:18pm
Just some scattered comments here... You can take them or leave them... and I don't mean to sound harsh in any way, just looking at the situation as you presented it to us...

Your head and your heart have been fighting quite a battle throughout the time you have come in contact with him again -- and throughout your leaving him, etc. It sounds like your self-worth has suffered greatly, evidenced by your ability to so easily cater to this man, or drop your logical beliefs about him so easily; a man that shows you consistantly over and over through words and actions that he doesn't have the true capability to give you what you want and need, to be the man that you want and need him to be. And he's right, he never can be good enough or do well in your eyes, because he's truly not good enough for you.

I know there were some mixed signals there mixed with your hope that he had changed, but I think even with his superficial friend's meetings, you knew deep down he couldn't have changed, but your "desire" for him took over what your head was trying to tell you. You appeared to assess and even answered many of your own questions accurately, yet the feelings you thought your heart felt (whether it was true love, or a dysfunctional addiction to this man, a trying to be accepted and loved by him, to prove to him that you are "worth" his lousy love, to feel wanted and needed by him because that helps you define your own worth in the name of love, and to love him and make yourself available to him at any cost to yourself) kept winning over regardless of putting yourself in a situation that was only going to hurt you. You were fighting a losing battle, either way.

If you really analyze the situation I wonder if it was/is true love that you actually felt, (I know you care about him greatly and have history), but this man has only caused much heartache through his self-centered ways, played games with your heart and soul, hasn't been there for you even as a friend (not only the cancer thing which would have been unforgivable for me, but what he's been showing you all along), and has disrespected you in so many ways that it's hard to believe that this "love" you felt enhanced your life in any way. Perhaps you need to re-define what love truly means to you -- ? And, then decipher between the words and actions that wouldn't truly constitute a person being in love... or how love should and shouldn't be if it's true at heart...

I believe it's almost a blessing in disguise that he suddenly was short with you again and his true colors have shown through again so brightly because how long would you have tolerated this, honestly? -- I think you needed another set of severe actions from HIM even after all of this to let go from this man and gain some closure, or even composure... I believe you can confirm to yourself that he still cannot be the man you want him to be -- you originally left for specific reasons and followed your head and those reasons haven't changed with time. Let him think he's "won"..... But I think you have won YOU back... and you will need to work on your self-dignity, respect and love for yourself ... so if he decides to drop a line another 3 weeks, yet another 3 months, down the road, you will easily say that you wont put up with his crap anymore because you love and respect yourself and have boundaries as to how someone treats you, regardless of his actions, his words, because he had his chances (yes, plural) with you.

I suspect that the path to healing and true recovery for YOU will take work on your part, but will be well worth it in the end. Perhaps you could seek some counseling for yourself -- I know you have it together in most aspects of your life, but maybe the relationship aspect could use some work? The cliche "you deserve better and more" really does fit here, but you wont truly heed that advice until you believe it yourself, through your own actions and words, not just in thought/idea...... and you wont subject yourself to situations you just recently put yourself in. Yes, the man has a lot of self-discovery, growing up, and perhaps his personality will never allow him to have true love in his life, but it takes two, and maybe you will learn a lot more about yourself through the healing process and realize that there are more reasons than meets the eye as to why you put yourself through this continued "drama" and I don't think that all of it was for the sake of "love."

I wish you a lot of luck and happiness -- you have so much to offer as an individual in a relationship and when you get to the point where you wont settle for less, and meet that man that truly respects and loves you through good and bad times, you thank god that you went through what you did to realize the "no-games" true happiness you could have with someone else.

~~SD~~