UPDATE!!! IS IT TIME TO MOVE ON?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
UPDATE!!! IS IT TIME TO MOVE ON?
8
Sat, 09-14-2013 - 12:43pm

I need a man's advice. 

I have been seeing this guy for 7 months and I love him.  He says he loves me and he can see us together as husband and wife.  We can talk for hours and I feel like I can tell him anything, but it has been different lately.  He is younger than me by a year.  I don't have a problem with that, but I can still see the immature mentality he has at times.  The issue is, I feel alone in the relationship now.  For the past month, we haven't talked like we usually do.  I don't see him as much as I use to.  He claims he is always tired and I understood because he works 12 hour shifts.  When I tell him I miss him or I love him, he either doesn't respond or he gives me some off the wall response like how's your day going.  I'm very understanding, but I am not naive. I'm very busy myself with two jobs and school, but I always find the time to text him or respond to him.  That’s my love, so of course I'll make sure I give him the attention he deserves...but the same isn't being reciprocated to me.  That is why I am here asking for advice.  I think he doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore.  I just feel like if he really loved me and cared than he would find the time to text me back or come see me.  He text me the other night and said he was going to send me flowers, but he decided not to because he didn't know how I would react.  Of course I thought...you are full of it. I told him I would have loved them, thinking that maybe he will just send them now that he knows how I would react.  I thought wrong.  I never received flowers and I haven't heard from him since that night, which was 2 days ago. I try not to think negative, but I can't help it.  I've learned from my last relationship and I am trying not to bring the baggage into this new one.  So can someone help? I am all eyes! 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 12:24am
Yes......see my reply on the other board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 12:24am
Yes......see my reply on the other board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 9:15am

I want to thank everyone for responding.  I didn't want to be naive, because I was in a relationship with my ex for almost 5 years and he totally disrespected me.  I didn't want to be that girl that thought all guys were the same.  I thought this guy was different because he did things that my ex didn't do.  But I also picked up on some things that weren't right.  Now I am completely confused because I believed he loved me and I believed he cared for me. I didn't want to believe all the things we talked about were feelings that weren't real.  I woke up at 5 a.m. thinking about this and I texted him 2 hours later asking if he was okay since I hadn't heard from him.  There was no response.  He does usually respond even if it is vague.   I guess it's time I stop being and idiot and just let things be.  I really wish people wouldn't play with someone's feelings like this and at least have the courage to tell them the truth.  Apparently I was just caught up in his game.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 9:04pm

I'm not a man but I'll give my two cents anyway. Not to defend his actions, but he's not necessarily playing a game with you. He may love you and think that someday in the future he could marry you, but he's nowhere near ready for that kind of committment right now. He doesn't even sound ready for a settled relationship. Maybe he thought that he was, then realized what it actually entails: communicating with the gf on a daily basis, being thoughtful and respectful, putting her needs before his.

You may love him more than he loves you, and it sounds like you show your love much more. That might have scared him away. Why he is running hot and cold, saying he wants to marry you one day then ignoring your texts the next day, who knows? Possibly he's feeling smothered by all of your attention and questions?

I would say to figure he's not really ready for a serious relationship right now, and may not be ready for some time. Since you seem somewhat anxious about not knowing what's going on with him, you might be more comfortable to just end it with him. There are good men who do want a committment now but you won't find them if you're trying to make things work with a reluctant bf.

If instead you want to focus on school and work now instead of a serious relationship and you're willing to wait until he is ready/grows up, then back off and give him a lot of space. Let him initiate all contact. Don't check up on him or ask how he's doing or text him that you love him or any of that. It should become clear if he wants to be in a serious relationship or a casual relationship or no relationship but doesn't have the guts to tell you. When it becomes more clear you can decide if you want that level of relationship with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 11:04pm
Thank you Remdamma. At this point, I'm ready to just let it be. I think this just goes to show he doesn't have respect for me. There is no coming back from this now and if he does text me, I most likely will not respond.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 12:16am

This has nothing to do with respect for you.  This has to do with the fact he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.  You can't think that any man that's not interested in you is disrespecting you.  Have you heard that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the Prince?  Well, you've kissed two so far.  Keep going.  And don't stay for 5 years if you feel it's not working.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 6:32am
Fissator, I understand what you are saying but I think you have the wrong idea. I am 29 and he is about to be 28. I have dated and and had several relationships in my life. I think avoiding someone so you don't have to communicate with them is something a teenager or even someone in their early 20s would do. It has a lot to do with respect if you have been knowing someone for almost a year and then decide your feelings have changed. I can accept that, however its a disappointment when the person can't just be honest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2013
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 7:37pm

I knew he was going out of town for the weekend, but whenever he goes out of town we always stay in contact. He said he left his phone at home….which I find hard to believe. Mind you this does not excuse why he didn’t text me back Friday morning because he was still in town. Also, when I called his phone it didn’t go straight to VM. It was ringing…I would think after 3 days your battery life on your phone would be dead. So…with that being said I am slowly but surely stepping back. I believe this was a sign that I should not ignore.