Update/thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
Update/thoughts
10
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 10:37pm

I wrote on this board a few weeks back that I just ended my 3 year relationship and how I seemed to be doing "too well". Not much has changed, I am still very confident in my decision. I am not over him, but I don't really miss him or feel a need to be with him. It bothers me that I may be in denial or supressing feelings and the world may crumble down, but for now, its status quo.


We talk daily- just a brief phone call asking how the other is doing. I'm ok with this, I dont feel like its holding me back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: twentygal
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 11:43pm

You've got it kind of backwards ;) Not completely, but a little.

You're thinking it's not up to you to help him move on, and in a way that's true, however, you're going about it in reverse; by talking to him everyday when you're the one who broke up, you're not helping the situation and in fact may be holding him back from his own healing. Maybe you've moved on, but you're now beginning to dangle a string. Not intentionally, I understand that, but you do need to act responsibly here.

Since you've got a better handle over how you feel about the breakup, and he's the one who didn't want it to begin with, sometimes the breaker has to be the one to uphold no contact *for* the other person when they are unable to do it for themselves. How many of the board members who've been broken up with have struggled, sometimes for months, with keeping to no contact? But every time they relapse, it hurts again, sometimes as much as the original breakup.

Most of the people on the board have gotten hurt or confused over the fact that the ex doesn't call, etc., but truthfully, in the long run it is for the best. You don't need to adopt a tough attitude, be kind and respect his feelings, they're still raw. Talk to him once more and tell him you think that at this point you need some time away from each other so you can both get past this.

This is one of those moments in life where you need to think more about what the other person needs, as opposed to what you want.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: twentygal
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 11:44pm

I think that talking to him every day may well be giving him false hope, whether he admits it to himself or not.


I personally think the higher road would be to not continue to have contact with him for a while.


Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: twentygal
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 1:42pm
I agree with the others, the fact that you still talk to him daily could be feeding him false hope and/or maybe it's an attempt to wean him from the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
In reply to: twentygal
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 2:33pm
I am holding no hope, as much as I love him, we need to split up. He is the one who wants the contact and to try to be friends. I admit, I would like to be friends, but I am ready to move on- and he is not, therefore I have been fine with it (or without it).
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: twentygal
Fri, 11-30-2007 - 2:53pm
I think you misunderstood me. I wasn't talking about you holding onto false hope, but rather him and by talking to him daily you are feeding that false hope, hence the drunk calling.





iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
In reply to: twentygal
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 2:26pm

Well i think he is starting to initiate his own NC. I didn't hear from him for almost 36 hours-all of Friday night, Sat and Sat night until today. This was good, we just caught up this morning and all was well.


I dont really miss him, but I will admit that I wondered what he was doing this weekend. Did he not call because he was hooking up with some other co-ed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
In reply to: twentygal
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 3:05pm
Sorry! who called who? he called you or you called him?
Anyway as they say in my country, it seems you are in the verge of entering the "selfish baseball player" situation: you are not catching, not pitching and no letting anyone bat.
Meaning: you can mess with the guy horribly and moreover you can get horribly hurt. Either if its your ego or you are having second thoughts about the breakup, you have to make up your mind girl, and stick to your desicion.
Stay strong!
xxx
Emilia


Edited 12/2/2007 3:23 pm ET by emilia79
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
In reply to: twentygal
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 4:38pm

He initiated the call, he has initiated all the calls.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: twentygal
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 4:58pm

Everything you feel is normal. It's normal wonder what he's doing, is he having fun, is he with someone else, is he having an easier time with the break up and/or no contact that I am?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: twentygal
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 5:27pm

I can tell you why you haven't been feeling it harder up to now: You couldn't miss him because he never "went away" so you've not actually had to deal with the breakup. You haven't been calling him, but you knew in the back of your mind that he'd eventually call you anyway, he's been doing it this whole time, so you knew he was always "there." Available. That's a lot of comfort and safety in just that one little fact, so of course you weren't feeling the pinch.

The second he missed the call to you, I bet your ears perked up a bit, didn't they? That's what all the wondering is about. That little bit of a sick feeling you've had the last couple days was because you didn't know where he was, but you knew his mind might not be on you, it might be with or on someone else. That little bit of uncertainty is what's been missing from your breakup, it's what you would have been feeling almost this whole time if he hadn't continually been calling you.

This is why you've had the luxury of not really feeling the breakup. This is why you haven't been upset, is because since the breakup, he hasn't really gone away, you've had it in the back of your mind that he still loved you and wanted you because he was still calling. Now he hasn't and you're left wondering about that.

Breakups mean gone, done, over, finito, everyone goes to their respective corners or picks up their toys and goes home. Neither of you did that. He didn't because he kept calling you, and you didn't because you let him and you kept picking up the phone. I don't think you were in denial, exactly, but because of the constant communication, you haven't had to deal with him not being in your life anymore. It IS a loss. I don't think it will hit you all at once, but I do belive you began to feel the first inklings of loss this weekend. There's more to come.

From now on, you really need to stop the communication if it picks up again.

Keep posting, we'll help you thru it.

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