the upshot
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| Mon, 08-16-2004 - 9:58pm |
I asked him about his new girlfriend...he is quite serious--3 months after his divorce and 2 months after we broke up. He said he was not expecting it but that it just happened. She is about the same age and is also a physician like me. She has 2 kids in their 20's who went to the same college as I did and are now doctors too. She got divorced about 3 years ago after her husband cheated on her for the xxx time.
I asked him how he would explain me to her? He said he had not thought about it but would figure something out. I told him it would not be possible. If he truly wanted to move on then there was no way we could ever be friends. He of course said he did not want to do that...but I said for both of us there was no other choice. If she ever found out that he had an affair during his marriage- she would never stay with him. It would just be too difficult to deal with. We talked for a few hours and he was reluctant to say goodbye...at one point he said he wished he had made the right decision 20 years ago- we would have been great together. I told him that did not help...he said you are right. Finally I said I wish you find what you are looking for and he said you will always be in my heart...I said that is why we can not talk again...and said goodbye...
it was so hard...so much miscommunication via the phone...but he would not re-open the door. He had found someone else and that was that...
The next day - the hurricane hit right smack in his town...I wanted so much to know that he was OK and yet I could not call/email. It was hard, but the first step.
I also told a few friends so I could at least vent to someone. It is funny- I did not tell my closest friends who knew him as I did not want them to think badly of him--crazy huh! Oh well...it will be hard not having him in my life anymore. I miss his friendship already-- but I know I would never think of him as just a friend.
tb

I know how hard that must have been, but it's my opinion that you did the right thing. You did what you had to do to keep your sanity. Being 'his friend' would only keep giving you that thread of hope that he would come to your level. If he really wanted to be with you, now would be the time since he is finally free. Sounds like he does value your friendship, but being in contact with him would just keep you from healing. I really can't figure out why men string us along like that. Kind of "keep us in their back pocket" and pull us out when they feel like it. But if you let him keep stringing you along, eventually you would get frustrated and angry, and the friendship would turn sour. Take care of you, get healed up, hold your head up high and build a new life for yourself. I'm going through the same situation as you with my very long-term friendship/relationship ending, but now it's been six weeks with no contact and I really do feel better about myself now that I'm not in a half-hearted relationship and walking on eggshells while he's trying to figure out what he wants. He will always have a place in your heart, and that's o.k. You will always hold a special place in his heart, too. But sometimes things just don't turn out the way we envisioned they would. It's a big chunk of your life that feels like it's been ripped out of you and you don't even feel quite whole, but it's time to cut your losses and make a new plan. You deserve to be with someone who will give all of themselves to you. Build a strong new relationship from the ground up. The foundation of the old one has crumbled away.
TB1004 - I wish you well. I hope every hour is better than the last. I imagine you're living each and every moment thinking the whatifs. You're constantly thinking of the good times and all that you had. It has to be difficult not calling him and not writing to him but you know it was the right decision. I hope you dont give in to your heart and at one point call him again but I couldnt say I would blame you if you did.
Goodluck with things over the next couple days. You've been a veteran to this love process so I am sure you know all the right things to do. I just hope you muster up the strength to actually do them...
I have told a few friends which helps ease my pain...but no one around here. That would be too hard. The strange thing is - he is dating another physician...and describes her the way he described me - strong, independent, smart, knows what she wants, caring etc...
This woman is divorced - her husband had multiple affairs before she finally left. When I asked my X how he would ever explain me to her-- he said he had not thought of that...he just did not want to lose our friendship. I knew at that point it would not work...and I had to be the one to say good-bye. It tears at my soul and I just try not to think about it...it is easier that way...just bury it.
please keep me in your prayers - I defintely could use them right now.
tb